Crock ‘a shitty-shit, America. Welcome back to Entertainment Police as we continue our wincing appraisal of this summer’s ball-busting Hollywood lineup. Why the glum look? Have you been to the movies lately? This is the time of the year when the big Hollywood chicken is supposed to be taking a big golden shit on our faces, and instead we’re getting a grunt and a shrug. Where’s the summer love? Sure, X2 was an emancipating good time, but I’ve already forgotten everything that happened in that movie. The Matrix Rebooted? Yeah, I’ll admit I loved it at first. That was before I realized it was the exact same movie as Cannonball Run 2. Nice try guys, you almost had us fooled there. But that bit of excitement went sour like egg salad left in the trunk all weekend. Now what have we got to wax filmic about? And where the hell is Bruce Willis hiding these days? Somebody fire up the bat signal, we need some bald fury over here pronto!

In Theaters

28 Days Later
Finally somebody’s had the balls to make a movie about what a major pain in the ass it is to get a rebate check when you buy something at an electronics store. You buy a printer or some floppy disks or Barbie Dress-Up software or something you don’t really need because with the seven rebates together the thing ends up being free or they even owe you five bucks for hauling that crap away. Then you get all the junk home and you’ve got to write your whole life story fifteen times on pieces of paper each the size of a postage stamp, provide fourteen original receipts postmarked by October of 1982, then put several dozen stickers in the right boxes, find in the picture where they hid the teapot and the pair of scissors, bake a shrinky-dink and send the whole shebang to Guam. Then if you did everything perfect, six months later they cut you check or mail you a roll of pennies, whatever it is. I wouldn’t know, I always screw up and draw the pirate instead of the turtle and they reject my application. Understandably they had to Hollywoodize the whole thing and make it twenty-eight days instead of six months, but that’s understandable since nobody wants to go to the movies to be reminded of just how much their lives suck. Foreigners, maybe, but not Americans.

Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle
Leave it to Hollywood to take the sweet natured Peanuts gang and turn them into violent ass-kicking crime fighters. Now I love action as much as anybody, well maybe less than the president, but still more than most people, and I still thought it was weird to see Lucy, Sally and Peppermint Patty putting the smackdown on rogue blockheads left and right. Just didn’t feel right, kind of like seeing Big Bird break a dude’s neck. Plus there’s the believability factor. I know girls are supposed to be tough and all these days, but how can you avoid getting your face punched in during a fight when your head’s the size of a medicine ball? You’d think the bad guys could just tip them over and roll them down the street, their undersized Peanutsland bodies flopping helplessly to one side like the stem of a balloon. But whatever, the stunts and wirework were pretty good, and the Moby remix of the Peanuts theme was pretty righteous, I have to say.

Jet Lag
To tell the truth I’m getting kind of tired of Jet Li. He needs to kick an elephant’s ass or something at this point to get my attention. Trying to pull off an unlikely romantic comedy with Helen Hunt definitely is not what Dr. Roland ordered. As a result this is one of those ironic film titles that is all too fitting, like Knock-Off or Waste of Money. Maybe the ladies know something I don’t, and Lee’s actually Brad Pitt or Luis Guzman-level good-looking or something, but for me he’s only as good as the number of guys he can fold into a suitcase in 90 minutes. And even if you try to sneak that stuff into a romantic comedy, it’s hard to justify after you’ve ass-kicked a few rude bellhops and stuffed a redneck truck driver into a pizza oven.

When Harry Met Lloyd: Dumb and Dumberer
Everybody knows Harry Houdini and Lloyd Bridges were great childhood friends; now that they’ve both kicked the toilet their story can finally be told without having to pretend like they were a couple of astrophysicists. While the title may be a little over the top, most eyewitness accounts confirm that these two were about as bright as the moon glare of off of Houdini’s hairy ass. Unfortunately for viewers, the truth isn’t always pretty, or particularly funny, and the film has one too many “I ate a King Don out of your ass while you were sleeping” jokes for its own good. And the fact that they went to the trouble to grow a freakish Jim Carrey clone in a petri dish to play Lloyd Bridges is just plain creepy.

We hope you enjoyed this trip down future-memory lane, I’m your host Roland McShyster and on behalf of Entertainment Police I’d like to wish you an enjoyable rest of your vacation and ask that you not fall into the water like a big idiot when you’re getting off the boat. Ta ta!

June 9, 2003
2 Fast 2 Furious, Daniel Day-Car, Hollywood Homicide, The In-Laws, The Italian Job, Love the Hard Way, Rugrats Gone Wild

May 26, 2003
The Matrix Rebooted, Finding Remo, Bruised Almighty, The Hoke, Downey with Love

May 12, 2003
The Lizzie McGuire Movie, Owning Mahowny, The Real Cancun, Whale Rider, X2: X-Men United

April 28, 2003
Anger Management, Bulletproof Monkey, Holes, House of 1000 Islands, Identity

April 14, 2003
Bend it Like Beck’s Ham, The Core, Head of State, A Man Apartment, Phone Booth

March 31, 2003
Ass! Ass! National Tango!, Bringing Down the House, Dreamcatcher, The Hunted, Piglet’s Big Movement, Tears of the Sun, Willard

2003 Oscars Special!
Oscar fever is upon us, ladies and gentlemen, and fear not: that puss-like discharge is a completely normal symptom.

March 3, 2003
Dark Blue, Old School, Spider, Studyhall Junkies, The Time-Life Christmas of David Gale

February 17, 2003
Cherdevil, How to Lose a Gut in 10 Days, The Jungle Book 2

February 3, 2003
Final Destination 2, The Recut, Shanghai Knights

January 20, 2003
Darkness Falls, A Guy Thing, Kangaroo Jack, The Hours, National Security

January 6, 2003
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Just Married Ashton Kutcher, Love Liza, The Pianist

December 23, 2002
25th Hour, Catch Me if You Can, Gays of New York, Lords of the Ring: The Out-of-Towners, Max

December 9, 2002
About Shit, Cannibalize That, The Hot Chick, Maid in Manhattan, Star Trek: Eminemisis

November 25, 2002
Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nuts, Diet Another Day, Extreme P.O.S., The Friday After Next Friday, Wes Craven Presents: They...