Hot fun in the cinematime, ooh-la! Yep, America, summer’s all up in us and Hollywood again backs its dump truck full of big-budget money-magnets right into our collective lap! If you’re wondering where all the good movies went to before May, they were hoarded away like nuts for the winter, only in this case for the summer, since it’s statistically proven a fool and his money part a lot easier when it’s hot and sweaty outside. But I’d like to see any fools unhappy with this bunch of blockbust-o-tainment!

In Theaters

The Matrix Rebooted
I really loved the first Matrix (officially episode 7 in the Matrix timeline) and, like everyone else in the country, waited with high hopes for the sequel, and it does not disappoint! Keanu “What kind of name is Keanu?” Reeves reprises his role as the Matrix, and gives us twice the leaping, twice the kung fu, twice the sort-of-deep philosophy! Oh, yeah, this is why we go to the movies, this and the air conditioning. X2 may be off to a big start and the first hit of the summer, but The Matrix Rebooted (number 4 in the Matrix timeline) is the best bet for king of the year. However, those easily confused or from Texas may want to wait until all 13 Matrixes are released and try watching them in order.

Finding Remo
Pop quiz: You’re a director hired to make a sequel to the multimillion dollar Remo Williams franchise, and you can’t afford $20 million megastar Fred Ward to come back as the main character—what do you do? If you said get cheap replacement stars and have them look for the missing lead in a fun-filled action romp, you’re right. If you said animate the whole thing with bang-up CGI, you’re right. If you suggested doing both at once, you’re a self-destructive moron and should be pink-slipped immediately. I wouldn’t count on any more sequels to the Remo Williams movies after this; after this disaster, they’ll be lucky if Joel Gray returned even to lend his voice. Christian Slater does a passable voice job as Zeppo Williams, Remo’s nephew, but don’t expect it to save this bear trap of a movie.

Bruised Almighty
No summer blockbuster fest would be complete without Jim Carrey kicking God’s ass. Trying the explain the plot would only insult us both, suffice to say that the special effects are whammy and Carrey gives us more of that trademark martial arts power that won him a Golden Globe in Crouching Liar, Hidden Dragon. Jetson Lee is the most formidable opponent Carrey has had in a long time, and his portrayal of God rates only after that one famous actor, you know, the one who really likes guns.

The Hoke
For the most interesting story behind the screen this year, check this out. Apparently director/Hollywood joke name enthusiast Ang Lee is “anglee” at Marvel comics for their breakout success with Spiderman last year, and decided to get back at them by taking another big character, the Hoke, and giving him awful cartoon animation that looks like some footage cut by drunken Monsters, Inc. animators. Casting flaming Rex Banion as bookworm Dr. Bruce was adding insult to injury. You’ll eventually look forward to when he’s replaced by a 2-D cartoon booger with Crayola color. Between the success of their Malcolm X comic movie X2 and this, Marvel might break even, but not much more.

Downey with Love
This? This is what I get served up to me for summer? I suppose people who dislike humanity need to see movies, too, but I wish they would stick to DVDs instead of cluttering up the theaters with crap like this. Robert Downey, Jr. and Courtney Love star in a romantic comedy so bad they didn’t even bother to title it. I hear their agents didn’t even know about the contracts to do the movie, it was arranged through a mutual dealer. It’s hard to develop real chemistry when only one of your stars is awake in any given scene. I wouldn’t put any Oscar stock in this one, but if they give out awards for getting the most people into detox programs, here’s your winner.

Fear not, America. It’s not even full-on into the summer yet, and I haven’t heard nor smelt the familiar fart of the Farrelly brothers, so we could be in store for even more prime summer stock. Until then, I’ll be tanning on the back porch and cooking franks on the grill by working it with my feet. Hungry, anyone?

April 28, 2003
Anger Management, Bulletproof Monkey, Holes, House of 1000 Islands, Identity

April 14, 2003
Bend it Like Beck’s Ham, The Core, Head of State, A Man Apartment, Phone Booth

March 31, 2003
Ass! Ass! National Tango!, Bringing Down the House, Dreamcatcher, The Hunted, Piglet’s Big Movement, Tears of the Sun, Willard

2003 Oscars Special!
Oscar fever is upon us, ladies and gentlemen, and fear not: that puss-like discharge is a completely normal symptom.

March 3, 2003
Dark Blue, Old School, Spider, Studyhall Junkies, The Time-Life Christmas of David Gale

February 17, 2003
Cherdevil, How to Lose a Gut in 10 Days, The Jungle Book 2

February 3, 2003
Final Destination 2, The Recut, Shanghai Knights

January 20, 2003
Darkness Falls, A Guy Thing, Kangaroo Jack, The Hours, National Security

January 6, 2003
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Just Married Ashton Kutcher, Love Liza, The Pianist

December 23, 2002
25th Hour, Catch Me if You Can, Gays of New York, Lords of the Ring: The Out-of-Towners, Max

December 9, 2002
About Shit, Cannibalize That, The Hot Chick, Maid in Manhattan, Star Trek: Eminemisis

November 25, 2002
Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nuts, Diet Another Day, Extreme P.O.S., The Friday After Next Friday, Wes Craven Presents: They...

November 11, 2002
8 Miles of M&Ms, The Santa Clause 2, Punch-Drunk Love, I Spy, Femme Fatale

October 28, 2002
Auto Focus, Formula 51, Ghost Ship, Jackass: The Movie, The Truth About Charlie, Waking Up in Reno With Billy Bob Thornton