Bin Laden DVD Commentary Reveals
Al-Qaeda Secrets

Hi-fi release packed with extra threats, other bonuses  

CIA DVD RELEASE DEPT.
Why must they call it a “Special Edition” when it’s the only edition available?

The release of a new audio tape purported to be the latest statement by Osama bin Laden was released Tuesday, causing stock drops due to escalating fear of new terrorist attacks. The real story, however, was the Friday release of the video and DVD versions of the statement. The DVD contains a cornucopia of special features and a cast and crew commentary.

In the audio tape, which poor mono audio, bin Laden called for Muslims around the world to martyr themselves in the name of Allah. The Holy War, bin Laden stressed, was strictly in the name of Islamic principles, and not for Muslim governments or nations—bin Laden went on to criticize the Iraqi government, suggesting that socialists were as much infidels as Westerners, a blow to Saddam Hussein’s Arab Baath Socialist Party.

The DVD release, containing anamorphic widescreen 1.66:1 picture and DTS 5.1 stereo audio, contained the same basic release as the VHS with a much sharper picture. In addition to the improved presentation, including animated menus, CIA and FBI analysts were particularly looking forward to examining the special features. Included among the 3 hours of additional material were 15 minutes of deleted scenes, “blooper” outtakes, extended fatwa sequences, original production stills and Al-Jazeera press materials, biographies for bin Laden and leading Al-Qaeda leaders, “teaser” trailers for future terrorist attacks, original unreleased statements believed to be bin Laden’s first video statement work, and a “Find Osama!” DVD-Rom game.

The real prize, according to Intelligence experts, was the revealing commentary track with bin Laden, Producer Izat Al-Fatid, and Director Mike Conroy.

“We’ve learned more about Al-Qaeda and their methods from this DVD than any previous efforts,” said CIA Press Secretary Kel Mattthews. “And more importantly, I think we get valuable insight in what terrorism means to bin Laden. We’re finally seeing the man behind the dogmatic rants.”

Matthews suggests the commentary paints a picture of a hardline Muslim with dreams of making himself a tool for Allah, restoring Islam to its rightful place as the leading world religion; it dispels previous notions, according to Matthews, of bin Laden being an ego-maniacal sellout strictly in it for the money and the martyrdom.

“I am not out to make a name for myself,” bin Laden says in a recorded segment from the DVD passed on to reporters. “I’m out to make Allah famous. If you’re doing it just to kill or to make yourself notorious, then you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. I’m doing it strictly for the art. The art of religious terrorism.”

Besides giving some insight as to how Al-Qaeda potential terrorists are selected and screened, other inside information is revealed by the commentary. For example, bin Laden made the tape from a mansion in Saudi Arabia while on his vacation, and a nearby cave set from a Saudi television show was used to maintain the authentic “Al-Qaeda” feel. Producer Al-Fatid also reveals he and bin Laden had been up extremely late the night before and had head colds, and neither could keep a straight face as bin Laden continually mispronounced “infidels.”

Central Intelligence announced they believe, if the DVD and tape can be proven to be Osama bin Laden, it will aid in their efforts to capture the fugitive terrorist and reduce terrorism by Al-Qaeda. They hope before that happens, though, he will record commentary for his earlier, more popular tape releases for their DVD debut.

the commune news is now prepared to admit the laserdisc will not overtake the VHS cassette as they previously predicted. Ivan Nacutchacokov is the commune’s foreign correspondent and somehow managed to burn himself while covering this story on one of the only remaining Kuwaiti oil fires from the Gulf War.

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