Emmitt Smith Let Go in Wake of ALF Rumors
Cowboys release running back amid puppet gossip
WHIT PISTOL
Emmitt Smith, shortly after breaking Walter Payton’s rushing record in 2002, gives a thank-you gesture to a special cat-eating friend in the audience (inset).
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Sports fans were surprised by this week’s announcement that Emmitt Smith would not return to the Dallas Cowboys for another season. Cowboys management and affiliates were quick to say Smith’s talents were not diminishing, and the prime factor in their consideration was the running back’s $9.8 million salary. However, some are pointing a finger to Smith’s life off the field as the real cause.
“Everyone is more than a little curious about his relationship with ALF,” said an anonymous Cowboy, dressed as a cowboy. “We’re not suggesting there’s more to it than it seems, but c’mon—it’s weird. If it were that guy from Max Headroom or Morton Downey, Jr., it would be strange, but nobody would really think twice. Is it ‘80s nostalgia? What’s going on there?”
Others are also alluding to Emmitt Smith’s alleged friendship with ‘80s celebrity/puppet alien ALF as a trouble spot that turned Cowboys management against him. Smith and the puppet met on the set of a long-distance phone commercial last year and have reportedly been close friends since. Many close acquaintances of both insist the two share an innocent friendship, attending sporting events, barbecues, and enjoying movie rental marathons together; but as a high-profile sports celebrity in a country where human-puppet relationships are under close scrutiny, some say Smith has left too much unsaid for the comfort of many sports fans.
“Everybody’s wondering about Dallas Cowboy Emmitt Smith and 4-foot sitcom hairball ALF!” reported a recent gossip-column we copied word for word. “They claim it’s all just fun, but you can’t believe everything ALF says! When was the last time you saw a four-time All-Pro and Super Bowl MVP bar-hopping with a cat-eating Muppet? You can forgive our curiosity, I’m sure!”
While some would feel better with clarification from Smith or his felt cohort, others insist it isn’t public business.
“Whatever Emmitt and Grover do by themselves is their business,” said Cowboy quarterback Quincy Carter. “He’s a stand-up guy and one of the best players in the NFL. That thing he hangs out with gives me the creeps, yeah, and I want to punch its face in when it tells me to dial 10-10-321, but none of that makes a difference when you need a first-class running back. They never should have let him go.”
In a phone interview, someone claiming to be ALF attempted to set the record straight.
“This is ridiculous, and everyone knows it,” said the Melmackian. “Why would anyone sign up for one of those outrageous programs and be obligated to pay premium prices when they could dial 10-10-321 from anywhere and save major bucks on long-distance? All calls for 7 cents a minute, no weird schedules to remember, no hidden charges! That’s a lot of money you can save—and that’s a lot of cats!”
The phone was suddenly cut off after the sound of a door being broken open, and the heavy sound of punching ensued, leading us to believe Carter had broken in and made good on his threat to punch the puppet’s face in.
the commune news is the leader in rushing in our building, or perhaps the Russian leader… it’s hard to remember. Boner Cunningham covers teens and sports for the commune—if there’s ever breaking news on Sport Billy it goes to him without question.
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