Chess Master Kasparov Beaten by Level 2 Cleric
Dungeons & Dragons-skilled teen unseats leading chess player
WHIT PISTOL
Kasparov's losing match against Deep Junior/Ronald Wolsey/Magioto the Cleric.
|  |
The humiliation continues for human chess king Garry Kasparov this week, who lost Friday’s game after continually tying computer chess master Deep Junior, a disappointing end to the “Man Vs. Machine” chess series, 16-year-old D&D enthusiast Ronald Wolsey stepped forward Saturday to reveal he had been playing for the computer.
“My conscience has forced me to announce that I have been playing the ‘Deep Junior’ side of the recent chess matches,” Wolsey stated in a written e-mail containing numerous spelling errors. “The deceit was not intended at first, but I wish I had gone public with the truth sooner. I will surely loose some character points for this subterfuge.”
Match observers speculate Deep Junior creators at IBM worried about the computer losing and proving inferior to its predecessor Deep Blue after the first game, which Kasparov dominated and judged to offer a draw rather than pursue it to a possible loss. The idea likely occurred to route the chess-playing program of Deep Blue through to the newer model, the original computer that beat Kasparov in 1997 and now owned by chess master Karl Wolsey.
The plot was estimated that with Wolsey’s help and an Internet connection, Deep Blue would best Kasparov again and demonstrate the computer’s superiority. However, the wrong computer was connected to the match and Karl Wolsey’s son Ronald, a Dungeons & Dragon fanatic and occasional chess player, matched the world’s greatest chess mind move for move.
Until Friday afternoon, when the junior Wolsey put Kasparov in check with his knight in 43 moves.
Upon the surprising move, Kasparov flipped up the chess board and swore in Russian to the effect of, “I don’t believe this bullshit!” When told of the true identity of the computer, the sport’s leading player insisted Ronald Wolsey is a future chess genius in the making. Wolsey, who is repeating the tenth grade and has recently flunked his driver’s test, would neither confirm nor deny the assessment.
“Chess is fun,” said Wolsey, popping a zit near the corner of his eye, “but I have more important things on my mind. In addition to my growing cleric character, I plan on introducing a new wizard character later this year, the first time I’ve used multiple characters since moving to Advanced D&D. If things are looking better around summer—i.e., I get my license and dad gets off my back—I’m considering writing my own adventure and being GM for it.”
Though chess aficionados are calling for a re-match, face to face, between Kasparov and Wolsey, the young opponent is somewhat agoraphobic and says he would not feel comfortable in front of the large audience of 10 or 12 that would come to watch. In addition, Wolsey doubts his chess ability would be at its peak if there were girls in the room.
the commune news is not much on chess, but we’re throwing the checkers gauntlet on the table right now—we take ‘em, all sizes. Raoul Dunkin is all misty-eyed about the loss of his level 4 Elf with all this gaming talk.
Tampa Bay Pirates Keelhaul Oakland Pirates
Geriatric Californians no match for Floridian Uruk-Hai on speed
Oakland Beats Tampa Bay
Raider Nation claims moral victory over wussy-baby Tampa Bay
Cambodian Football Fans Riot, Burn Thai Embassy
Distraught Raiders fans vandalize Phnom Penh
State of the Union Speech a Repeat
Presidential address to the nation all previously-aired material
North Korea to Nuke South Korea, Themselves
Mutural annihilation to prove Kim means business