April 29, 2002
Hey there, America the beautiful! Ready for another go at the bucking bronco that is this month’s batch of new releases? I didn’t think so. Thankfully for you I’m getting paid to write the column and deal with this crap so you can just sit back, relax, and feel the entertainment love. But before we get into all of that, how about a healthy dose of Ask Roland?

Q. Roland, what do you think of the resistance by American audiences to the obviously superior world of French cinema? Will American “film-goers” ever tire of the endless parade exploding buildings and anti-gravity bosoms and recognize the work of the true masters: Godard, Truffaut and Chabrol? Also, if you were doin’ Elle Macpherson and Reese Witherspoon at the same time, who would you pour the hot fudge all over first?
Steve Thomas, Winding Oaks, VA

A. That’s a good question, Steve. And the answer is simple: Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Q. Are you as sick as I am of the reprehensible practice of studios doctoring film critics’ reviews in order to market their movies? It seems that one can judge the quality of a film to a high degree of accuracy by averaging the number of words in the review quotes they flash during the television commercials. The better films tend to quote entire sentences from a review, while most of the obvious stinkbombs distill a review down to a single word that is taken out of context and could mean anything. A film critic can write that the latest teen toilet-fest is “An astounding display of poor acting, poor directing, and a script that may very well have been squeezed out of a tube,” only to be quoted in the commercial as saying the film was “…ASTOUNDING!!”As a film critic yourself, how does it feel to have your work regularly manipulated into misleading sound-bites?
Ted Fanly, Beer Grove, KY

A. …EXPLOSIVE!! –Roland McShyster, the commune

And now for the reason you put up with all of the snide comments about your wardrobe, the movie reviews!

In Theaters

Murder by Numbnuts
Sandra Bullock is on the trail of Jude Law, an idiot who may have killed someone accidentally while cleaning a crossbow he found in the trash. Or is he really a diabolically crafty killer hiding behind the mask of a buffoon? Nope. He’s the real McCoy, but Bullock still has her hands full trying to outguess a killer who’s next move is always ten times stupider than what she’d thought he would do. The film is successful as a comedy-thriller that keeps you guessing and raises the interesting point: could a total dipwad be the perfect killer?

National Lampoon’s Gene Wilder
Following in the footsteps of other National Lampoon classics like Animal House, Vacation and Airwolf, this rather formless comedy attempts to mine comedic gold from the everyday bumblings and fumblings of frizzy-haired funnyman Gene Wilder. A script would have been nice, as would have been some pants for Mr. Wilder himself, but I guess that was supposed to be the big joke, everyone reacting to him not wearing any pants. Whatever. I thought Airwolf was funnier.

The Scorpion King
Easily the most poorly-informed Jim Morrison biography picture to date, trumping even past disgraces like Jim Morrison and the Hell’s Angels Save Christmas and Drrrruuuuuuggss Ayeeeaaaaaghh!!! for sheer grave-spinning velocity, a feat which many thought impossible. But, if you’re twelve and are willing to believe that Morrison spent his free time freeing the slaves in Egypt and twirling a battle-axe around when he wasn’t busy dropping a mork onstage, then I guess you can find some kicks here. Especially if you’ve got a thing for highly-detailed codpieces and mansweat.

Star Wars 2: Attack of the Blondes
Most people scoffed when they announced the title of the latest Star Wars film, but I for one was glad to hear that the series had finally got back to it’s big-haired bimbo roots. The recent films had really been way too full of space muppets and little kids to be of any use to anyone other than kindergarteners and the heavily stoned. Any filmmaker worth his weight in salt knows that the future’s greatest gift to us will be form-fitting spandex outfits, and here Lugosi finally gets it right.

On Video:

Band-its
Camouflaged as an ensemble comedy about life’s little cuts and bruises, this clever indie scam is actually a product-placement smorgasbord for the adhesive bandage also-ran brand Band-its. This kind of thing is getting so common lately I wonder if Hollywood directors are ever going to turn the tables and start sneaking movies into commercials.

Life is in tha House
The producers would have you believe this is the feel-good urban movie of the year, which really isn’t a crowded race since the only competition in that grouping has been Thug Parade and Stone Cole Baby Killaz, but it still manages to fail, unless for you “feeling good” involves retching while you chew up broken glass. Don’t get me wrong here, it’s not that I think every urban movie should be about drugs and mayhem, but no movie should be such a smarmy wad of platitudes that you spend the film’s entire running time hoping for a drive-by. And I don’t mean in the movie, I’m talking about in the theater.

The Man Who Wasn’t There
It’s long been inevitable that Guns ‘N’ Roses videos would eventually get so long and bloated that they’d have to be released theatrically as feature-length films, so the appearance of this picture didn’t exactly surprise me. What I didn’t realize was that to this day, Axl is still obsessing over rhythm guitarist Izzy Stradlin leaving the band, as he spends this entire film pondering if he somehow drove Izzy away, either through a lack of communication, halitosis or that one time he set Stradlin on fire. While the films psychoanalytical undertones allow for clever movie review titles like Welcome to the Jung-le, they film really isn’t worth much beyond that.

Original Sink
Look folks, just because Bob Vila can act and Bob Vila can produce, and maybe he can swing a hammer pretty good too, that doesn’t mean he can write or direct. It’s the same mistake they made with Bob Ross, and I don’t think anyone who saw Snow Falling on Cedars would ever take that chance again.

Television:

The Has-Beens (M-TV)
Who’d have thought the best mid-season show would be on a channel that once showed music videos? M-TV brings us the bold reality series where a “family” of has-beens are grouped together under one roof to see who can make the big comeback to television, while the losers are headed straight toward infomercial hell. Erik Estrada, Florence Henderson, Todd Bridges, and Soleil Moon Frye are a rich mix of fun and wisdom, proving again the old adage, “United we stand, divided we collect unemployment.”

Ali McBeal
Instead of highlighting the new shows on the air, all of which should be gone by the time I finish this paragraph, I’m taking this spot to say adios to the unexpected underground hit with women 18-35 with severe emotional problems or developmental disabilities. Something about this trash-talking rail-thin female lawyer touched a nerve with the nation, and just won’t quit touching it. But now, thankfully, it’s about to rest in peace as the flavor of the month changes to talking babies and M-TV reality shows. Goodbye, show—I’m sure everybody who watched you will miss you.

Video Games:

FIFA World Cup Soccer (Sexbox)
Before you rush in thinking this is a great soccer game, you should be warned that “Fifa” is Scottish slang for “fairy”. Accordingly, the game designers follow that spirit in making some of the goofiest, gayest-dressed soccer players this side of real soccer players. Whether you enjoy soccer or think it should be pantsed and humiliated by real sports ought to determine what you think of this game. I’m indifferent since my Sexbox is broke and I can’t play anything.

Chessmaster 5500 (PC)
From the people who brought you “Wine Taster 2002” and “Extreme Book Club” comes another venture trying to sucker the stuffed shirts and fancypantses of the world into the video game arena. Unfortunately, the game revolves not around real chess, but around trying to disguise the fact you’re a champion chess player of your high school until you can get out at 3 o’clock, or else the bullies will run your underwear up a flag pole, with you in them.

And that’s an Entertainment Police! No more, no less. It’s a Zen kind of a thing, really, like the sound of a stagehand getting the clap or a tree falling on James Woods. I’ll let you ponder that on into the afterlife, or at least until next month when we’ll be back like an ex-girlfriend boomerang. Until then!

April 1, 2002
All About the Berenstains, Ice Age, Mentident Evil, Picnic Room, Pig Trouble, Joy Ride, K-PAX, Sexy Bees

2002 Oscars Special Edition
Holy washed-up franchise, Batman! It’s Oscar season and no lisping game bird is going to convince Roland McShyster otherwise. Pay no heed to the lies about Christmastime, the most magical time of the year is truly upon us.

February 18, 2002
Crossroads, Big Fat Liar, Dragonfly, Peter Pan 2: Return to Nevermind, Queen of the Damned, 13 Ghosts, Bones, J.Lo and Silent Bob Strike Back, Winter Olympics, Simpson's Road Rage, Jonny Moseley: Bad Trix, Drakin' II

February 4, 2002
A Beautiful Mime, Big Fat Liar, Collateral Damage, I Am Sam, Rollerball, Captain Correlli's Man-dolphin, The Curse of the Sade Scorpion, Ghost World, Kiss of the Drag Queen

January 21, 2002
Black Hawk Down, The Count in Monty's Crisco, Orange County, Snow Dogs, The Fat and the Furious, Glass House, Rush: Hour 2, Two Can Play that Game, What's the Worst That Could Happen, Imagine That, The Chamber, Worst Monday, Sponging Bob, Final Fantasy X, Eternal Darkness

Ask Roland Hollywood Legends Special Edition
The time has come for the first ever “Ask Roland Special Edition,” and if that doesn’t put exciting lumps in your oatmeal, I don’t know what will.

December 24, 2001
ALI, Jimmy Nimrod Boy Genius, The Lords of the Ring: The Fellowship in the Ring, Mule in Rouge, The Center of the World, Scary Movie 2, The Amazing Racist, The Tick, The Garbageman, Forever Kingdom, Blood Wake, NBA Inside Driver 2002

December 10, 2001
Not Another Ween Movie, Ocean's 11, The Royal Tennis Bums, Vanilla Sky, Karen Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars, Maid, Pearl Harbor, Woolf Lake, The Agency, Maybe it's Me, The Sims Hot Date, Metallica Solitude, Alone in the Dark 4

November 26, 2001
Beneath Enemy Lies, Black Guy, Out Cold, Spy Game, Texas Rangers, America's Sweathogs, Apocalypse Now Re-do, Gay Relative, How the Gooch Stole Christmas, Joey and the Pussy Hats, Osama Jones, Bob Packwood's Son, Men Women & Dogs, The Yellin' Show, Lucy's Mansion, Pikmin, Jimmy Neutron Boy Genius

November 12, 2001
Domestic Disturbance, Mobsters Inc, Shallow Hal, The Animal, Baby Boyscouts, The Golden Bowl, Alias, Crossing Jordan, The Big Mac Show, Kabuki Warriors, SEX Tricky, Tony Hawk’s Prosecutor Tux, NFL Prime Time 2002

October 29, 2001
From Hell, Iron Monkey, Mulholland Drive, Riding in Cars with Boys, About Adam, Along Came a Spider, Freddie Got Fingered, With a Friend Like Harry, Scrubs, Philly, Accordion Jim, Tony Hawk Prosecutor 2, Devil May Cry, Final Fantasy Tac Tics

October 15, 2001
Don't Say a Word, Jeepers Creepers, Meggido: The Omega Code II, The Princess Diaries, Training Day, Exit Wounds, Heartbreakers, One Night at McDonalds, Twenty-Four, Smallville, Inside Schwartz, Silent Hill 2, ICO, Crazy Taxi 2

October 1, 2001
Hardballs, Heart’s in Atlantis, The Others, Planet of the Grape Apes, Amorous Parrots, Blow, Enemy at the Gates’, Memento the Mexican, The Tailor of Panama

2001 Oscars Special
What’s the haps, America? Well, you can forget about all of that crap because it’s Oscar time!

January 2001
Almost Fabulous, Beboozled, The Legend of Bagger Vance, Requiem for a Dreamcast, The Watcher, Committed, Drowning Boner, Reindeer Games, Snow Day, Terms of Engagement

May 2000
American Psycho, Emperor and the Assassin, Ghost Dog, High Fidelity, Mission to Mars, Romero Must Die, The Whole Nine Yards, American Beauty, Anna and the King, Girl Interrupted

January 2000
Being John Malkovich, Bicentennial Man, Man on the Moon, My Dog Skips, Sweet and Lowdown, The Talented Mr Ripley, American Pie, The Iron Giant, The Red Violin, T with Mussolini, Wild Wild West

June 1999
The Phantom Menace, The Mummy, Message in a Bottle, Deep End of the Ocean, Never Been Kissed, 10 Things I Hate About You, Fanmail, Come On Over, No Limit Top Dogg, Meet Joe Black, Gloria, The Waterboy

1999 Oscars Special
It’s Oscar time, America! And you know what that means: It’s time to assert our inborn artistic superiority over every other country on the globe!