December 24, 2001
Ho ho ho, America! Season’s greetings and welcome to a special Christmas edition of
“Entertainment Police”. What makes it special, you ask? I’m not sure, but it’s Christmas
Eve so why the hell don’t you step off my balls, alright? Damn. If I’d known you were
going to be like this I wouldn’t have worn my new shirt. Why don’t we just skip straight
ahead to the “Ask Roland” before somebody blows a snot rocket in my eggnog, alright?
Q. Hey Roland, man, what have you been smoking? They must have some powerful
drugs up there in commune land, because you forgot to review the greatest movie of all
time: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone! You been living under a rock or something,
man? This thing’s bigger than Mama Cass retaining water! They should send some Magicals
and Muggles and some shit over to your place to give you a wake-up call. Fuck you, dude!
Marty Ramart, Luger, Oregon
A. Nice try, Marty. This reminds me of that “You should review E.T.” joke that was
going around several years back. Right, like they’d name a big-shot movie “E.T.” What’s
that supposed to stand for? Evil Turkeys? Sounds like a bomb to me. If that was going to
be a hit it would have to stand for “Enormous Tits” and it’s not like we’re in Europe
here. Here in America we like our sex classy, like in “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” or
“Showgirls”. I give you points for creativity in making up a title though, what’s your
movie supposed to be about? A wizard trying to pass his gallstones? Bombs away, Marty!
Q. Hey Roland. I just got done watching the second season of The Sopranos on DVD
and I have to admit that I was surprised by the death of Salvatore “Big Pussy”
Bompensiero. But even more than that, I’m curious as to how you get to be a big mob guy
with a nickname like “Big Pussy”. The last time I checked, that wasn’t a compliment. I
called an Italian guy “Big Pussy” at a bar one time and he hit me with a table. Is this
just bad writing or is this some La Cosa Nostra secret that I don’t know about?
Mersh Lauben, Ripe Grove, Wisconsin
A. Good question, Mersh. While many of us have watched this show faithfully,
riveted by the exploits of these big fat singing Italians, few know the behind-the-scenes
stories of how the characters came to be. Everyone knows that the lead character of Tony
Soprano is based on rough-and-tumble opera bad-boy Lucky Pavoratti, who once beat up a
small child for a candy bar during a layover at a train station in Europe. But what few
know is that the character of “Big Pussy” Bompensiero is based on real-life opera fatass
Flaccid “Big Pussy” Domino, who opens his mouth so wide when he sings that a cat once
jumped down his throat after the tuna sandwich he’d eaten for lunch. Hence the nickname,
and the occasional weak meows while he’s singing. Personally, I can’t wait for them to
base a Soprano character on the third member of their trio, the certifiably hot Tia
Carerra, who sings pretty good for a skinny chick.
Now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk movies!
In Theaters Now:
ALI
Listen, I looked the other way when the religious right got fed up with the current state of insipid, bumbling, amoral Hollywood movies and started making their own insipid, bumbling, moral films. Apparently “Super Jesus Christ Brothers” and “The Last Temptation Island of Christ” weren’t enough for them, but that’s fine, let them throw their money into making films that only the heavily stoned or alarmingly elderly will pay to see. But now that lawyers nationwide have decided that they should cut out the middleman and make courtroom dramas themselves, I have to ask: Where do you draw the line? Who’s going to want their own movies next? Women? Black people? Fatties? Anyway, that’s all beside the point, since whoever thought the American Law Institute was a good subject for a movie needs to be held in contempt of entertainment.
Jimmy Nimrod, Boy Genius
Okay, now I’ll be the first one to admit that this, and any other, comedy about a retarded kid who thinks he’s an inventor and super-spy is in bad taste. But you can punch my one-way Amtrak ticket to hell because this is the funniest movie of the year. You’ll laugh until you need head restraints and a drool cup yourself when Jimmy unveils inventions like the dumpling gun and the magic “poop-to-pudding beam”, or when Jimmy’s secret spy pictures of the Russian operatives turn out to be just out-of-focus shots of his privates. I only hope the massive karmic debt wracked up by this film falls on the filmmakers themselves for making it, and not us for laughing because I plan on seeing it twice more this weekend.
The Lords of the Ring: The Fellowship in the Ring
I don’t think I’m going too far out on a limb when I say this has got to be the most heavily anticipated gay boxing movie, ever. Finally a filmmaker has the cajones to address the obvious sexual tension that ensues when two men in their shorts pound each other’s asses for an hour in front of thousands of spectators. Most boxing films to date (except the notable lesbian opus “Raging Bull”) have drawn the line at hugging in the ring, but this brave film shatters that barrier with passionate open-mouth kissing during the fight’s dramatic climax. Certainly more satisfying than the usual “beat ‘em up” ending. Sensitive direction, fabulous costumes and Hector “Macho” Camacho’s first inside-the-ring kiss make this a gay boxing film for the ages.
Now on Video:
Mule in Rouge
Scoot over Francis, there’s a new mule in the spotlight! Loveable Moonie Margot Kidder stars in this hilarious farce produced by hubby, Mr. “Mission: Important” himself, Tom Cruise. Margot’s brother Vlasik from Croatia needs a green card to stay in the country, so with the help of a farmer with a heart of gold, they dress up a mule like a woman to fool the immigration officials and pose as Vlasik’s wife. The only thing is, Vlasik doesn’t realize she’s a mule! You can just imagine the comedy that comes shooting out that hole.
The Center of the World
Once again, those megalomaniacs in Omaha, Nebraska have tipped their hand and wildly overstated their case for tourism for yet another year. To hear these people talk you’d think that Omaha was the fashion, culture and banking capital of the free world. Every year they put out a new movie trying to rope suckers into visiting the Cornhusker state. This one is about on par with last year’s “Omaha Spring Break” and “Nebraska: The Wet T-Shirt State” from the year before, but none can compare with their audacious 1992 entry: “Omaha: Everyone Gets a Blowjob”.
Scary Movie 2
Generic-brand movies are all the rage this year, and why not? Their plain-text posters are easy to read, the admissions are cheap, and who’s to say that once you get inside, they’re not the same as the more expensive brand-name pictures? Who wants to pay for all of that expensive packaging and advertising anyway?
Television:
The Amazing Racist (CBS)
The network that brought you hilarious bigot Archie Bunker is hoping lightning strikes
twice with this hour-long drama about a loveable Louisiana state legislator who always
says the wrong thing, to the horror of his politcally correct spin doctors.
The Tick (Fox)
The terrifying Edgar Allen Poe story about a clock that won’t let its owner forget the
murder he committed doesn’t exactly make for hit sitcom material. The star power of
Tom Wopat is wasted and the show is neither funny nor scary. What a huge disappointment
from the network that shook things up with groundbreaking shows like Married to
Children and The Tex-Mex Files.
The Garbageman (CBS)
CBS turns to the tried and true formula for success again with this show about an amateur
sleuth. In this case, a smart trash-talking garbage man (James Earl Jones) finds a dead
body in a dumpster every week which leads him on a brand new mystery to find out
whodunnit. Predictable? Maybe. Successful? Sure ‘nuff! I’m predicting the biggest hit
for CBS since Murder She Dead.
Video Games:
Forever Kingdom (PS2)
This game is, of course, based on that syndicated show about a guy who’s a cop by day
and a king of a small mediterranean country by night. Not bad, some fun moments, but the
fact the show was canceled years ago doesn’t get me very excited to play it. Just shows
how long it takes to program stuff for that Playstation 2.
Blood Wake (XB)
Nauseating game where you’re a teen-ager trying to find out why there’s so much blood in
your nocturnal emissions. I’ve never been into that zombie-fighting role player game crap in
the first place, but this one hit a little too close to home for me. Trust me, dude, just cut
down to three or four times a week and everything ought to be fine.
NBA Inside Driver 2002 (XB)
For all of you people who say there’s never been a successful game playing as Shaquille
O’Neil’s chauffeur… you keep on saying it. This dillhole game is as boring as driving games
get. Where to next, Mr. O’Neil? Nike endorsement deal? Kazaam sequel
negotiations? Recording studio for another rap album? Yessir, your 10-foot-tall holiness.
What a biter.
Okay, America. May you sleep tight tonight with visions of sugarbeets dancing in your
head, and I hope Santa brings you everything you’ve ever dreamed of. Unless you’ve been
dreaming of writing entertainment reviews for the commune. If that’s the case, then fuck
right off. And Merry Christmas.
Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist
Free Virus Baggies
Take a Kitten, Please
the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
FAQ Shwartz |
Site Map's Somewhere in the Glovebox |
Search In Vain |
Contract Ick
Privacy Police |
Terms of Gary Busey |
Reprints & Persimmons |
Press Eject Now
December 10, 2001
Not Another Ween Movie, Ocean's 11, The Royal Tennis Bums, Vanilla Sky, Karen Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars, Maid, Pearl Harbor, Woolf Lake, The Agency, Maybe it's Me, The Sims Hot Date, Metallica Solitude, Alone in the Dark 4
November 26, 2001
Beneath Enemy Lies, Black Guy, Out Cold, Spy Game, Texas Rangers, America's Sweathogs, Apocalypse Now Re-do, Gay Relative, How the Gooch Stole Christmas, Joey and the Pussy Hats, Osama Jones, Bob Packwood's Son, Men Women & Dogs, The Yellin' Show, Lucy's Mansion, Pikmin, Jimmy Neutron Boy Genius
November 12, 2001
Domestic Disturbance, Mobsters Inc, Shallow Hal, The Animal, Baby Boyscouts, The Golden Bowl, Alias, Crossing Jordan, The Big Mac Show, Kabuki Warriors, SEX Tricky, Tony Hawk’s Prosecutor Tux, NFL Prime Time 2002
October 29, 2001
From Hell, Iron Monkey, Mulholland Drive, Riding in Cars with Boys, About Adam, Along Came a Spider, Freddie Got Fingered, With a Friend Like Harry, Scrubs, Philly, Accordion Jim, Tony Hawk Prosecutor 2, Devil May Cry, Final Fantasy Tac Tics
October 15, 2001
Don't Say a Word, Jeepers Creepers, Meggido: The Omega Code II, The Princess Diaries, Training Day, Exit Wounds, Heartbreakers, One Night at McDonalds, Twenty-Four, Smallville, Inside Schwartz, Silent Hill 2, ICO, Crazy Taxi 2
October 1, 2001
Hardballs, Heart’s in Atlantis, The Others, Planet of the Grape Apes, Amorous Parrots, Blow, Enemy at the Gates’, Memento the Mexican, The Tailor of Panama
2001 Oscars Special
What’s the haps, America? Well, you can forget about all of that crap because it’s
Oscar time!
January 2001
Almost Fabulous, Beboozled, The Legend of Bagger Vance, Requiem for a Dreamcast,
The Watcher, Committed, Drowning Boner, Reindeer Games, Snow Day, Terms of Engagement
May 2000
American Psycho, Emperor and the Assassin, Ghost Dog, High Fidelity, Mission to
Mars, Romero Must Die, The Whole Nine Yards, American Beauty, Anna and the King, Girl
Interrupted
January 2000
Being John Malkovich, Bicentennial Man, Man on the Moon, My Dog Skips, Sweet and
Lowdown, The Talented Mr Ripley, American Pie, The Iron Giant, The Red Violin, T with
Mussolini, Wild Wild West
June 1999
The Phantom Menace, The Mummy, Message in a Bottle, Deep End of the Ocean, Never
Been Kissed, 10 Things I Hate About You, Fanmail, Come On Over, No Limit Top Dogg,
Meet Joe Black, Gloria, The Waterboy
1999 Oscars Special
It’s Oscar time, America! And you know what that means: It’s time to assert our
inborn artistic superiority over every other country on the globe!
April 1999
Prince of Egypt, Star Trek: Ressurection, The Thin Red Line, Mask of Zorro,
The Truman Show, Buffalo 66, Womb Raider, Grimm Fandango
December 1998
Very Bad Things, Rugrats, Enemy of the State, SpiceWorld, The Parent Trap, Legend
of Zelda: Orinthal of Time