October 1, 2001
Welcome back to Entertainment Police, gents and gentiles, I hope you came hungry for some
fresh whinin’ and opinin’. We’ve got a new batch of movies for you to ogle and unlike the
last batch, we promise these won’t turn out to be Gremlins. But before we get to that, let’s
take a moment for America’s favorite back-and-forth: Ask Roland!
Q. I recently watched the film “Hannibal” and have to admit that I was
troubled by the pigs who eat people. I live next-door to a pig farm and ever since I saw
that movie, I am afraid of those pigs. Sometimes, at night, I can see them looking at me
through the fence with their greedy little pig eyes, and I can only imagine that they’re
thinking that I’d be good to eat with some scrambled eggs and biscuits. Roland, can you
set the record straight? Do pigs really eat people?
Max Falcon, Corn Hole, Kansas
A. Thanks for your question Max. You should be able to sleep better at night knowing
that of course pigs don’t eat people! As a matter of fact, people eat pigs! It may surprise
you to know that they’re always screwing up little details like this in the movies. We have
eagle-eyed viewers like yourself to thank when Hollywood is called to the carpet for their
frequent oversights and blunders.
Q. Roland, what do you think of the recent death of Pauline Kael and what it will
mean to the future of film criticism?
Regina Lumley,
Newtons Curve, Vermont
A. That’s a great question, Regina. “Peppermint” Pauline has been a fixture in the
Peanuts world since I was a boy, and few will miss her more acutely than Roland McShyster.
It seems like just yesterday that she was calling Charlie Brown “Chuck” and goosing him
behind the water fountain. To be honest, if I’d been a Peanuts character (“Rolo”, perhaps?)
I would have been all over her. And she probably would have gone for me, too. Hell, she
didn’t even know Snoopy was a dog, so she probably could have really used some glasses. Her
loss? My gain! My friends always told me she played for the wrong team but to be honest I
don’t remember ever even seeing the team that the Peanuts gang was playing ball against all
those years, they could have been Smurfs for all I know. But to answer your question, Reg,
any day that they break Superman’s back or have “Peppermint” Pauline drown when the dam
goes out in Peanuttown just to boost readership is a dark day for all professions, film
criticism included.
Now for the movies!
In Theaters Now:
Hardballs
James Bond is back, and this time his nemesis is a customer service rep at BMW who
won’t give 007 any love when his tricked-out Z8 starts making a weird clunking noise when
he turns right. Not the most edge-of-your-seat Bond film to date, but for once I can
really relate to his predicament.
Heart’s in Atlantis
Following in the red-hot footsteps of last year’s Oscar nominees Gladiator and Traffic, this
year 70’s hair band Heart enters the band-movie races with their mystical underwater
adventure. Dubbed by some “The Not-So Little Mermaid”, this flick features a mix of
animation and live action, with plenty of Heart classics sang by fish, like “Barracuda”,
“All I Want to Do Is Make Love to Neptune” and “The Beautiful Briny Sea”.
The Others
Finally, the Professor and Mary Ann get their own movie. Too bad it’s a love story, I was
hoping for some clever cocoanut gadgets myself.
Planet of the Grape Apes
Nostalgia is big this month, and when I say big, I mean like 80-foot tall idiot gorilla
big. This summer’s special-effects blockbuster stars Mark Harmon as a cocksure astronaut
who’s interplanetary hot-dogging ends with him crash-landing on an uncharted planet in deep
space, and landing on a small dog to boot. Before Harmon knows it, he’s putting on a
Beegily Beagily suit and driving a Minibus around, trying not to get sat on by any gigantic
damn dirty purple apes and having comic misadventures in 22-minute bursts. This is
thinking-man’s sci-fi, with social overtones and dialogue that sticks with you for weeks,
like: “You Moron! You Sat on My Car! Goddamn You to Hell!” “Grape Ape, Grape Ape?”.
Watch out for the double-whammy ending where Harmon discovers that the Grape Apes love
grapes.
Now on Video:
Amorous Parrots
This sequel to the popular kidflick “Paulie” sees the wise-cracking Parrot (voiced by Woody
Allen) sold to a bird breeder who plans to use him as a stud to boost her reproductive
empire. But is the neurotic and self-doubting Paulie up to the task with a stable of
big-crested female Parrots who only know how to say “Braaaaak, I’ve got a headache!” and
who insist on being treated to dinner first? Finally, a sex comedy the whole family can
enjoy.
Blow
Something tells me Pamela Anderson forgot to secure veto rights for the name of this
sensationalized biography piece, and to be honest it’s a little light on the home video
footage. But still, American moviegoers should be happy they were spared a movie called
“Pamdemonium” this year.
Enemy at the Gates’
Stephen Seagal’s back and aiming for the techie crowd in his latest effort, where he
portrays Megagazillionaire Bill Gates in his ass-kicking, neck-snapping battle against the
US Justice Department. This one is a definite hit, and those of you out there who think
computers are boring obviously haven’t seen Seagal tenderize a courtroom full of DOJ thugs
with PC keyboard. Sensitive strongman Carl Weathers classes up the production three
notches with his turn as Judge Thomas “Action” Jackson.
Memento The Mexican
Loveable and hard-to-understand as ever, everyone’s favorite tortilla mascot finally
gets his own movie, and boy is it a doozie. Memento’s donkey is so lazy that one day
he has to pour hot sauce in the donkey’s water pail to get him going, only he puts too
much in and Mucho the Donkey runs away to the hills! I’m not even sure what Memento
is doing for the rest of the film’s 90 minute running time and most of it is in
Spanish, but it hardly matters. I love that little guy!
The Tailor of Panama
Leave it to documentaries to shine the spotlight upon the hidden heroes of today’s
culture. This gem focuses on Armand DeJesus, the brilliant costume designer from Van
Halen’s seminal “Panama” video. Few men’s greatness can be measured in Eddie Van
Halen’s pants, but Armand is the true exception in this case.
Alright folks, now that you’re a better informed consumer, go on out there and consume!
What are you waiting for, an interest rate cut? See you next month!
Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist
Free Virus Baggies
Take a Kitten, Please
the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
FAQ Shwartz |
Site Map's Somewhere in the Glovebox |
Search In Vain |
Contract Ick
Privacy Police |
Terms of Gary Busey |
Reprints & Persimmons |
Press Eject Now
2001 Oscars Special
What’s the haps, America? Well, you can forget about all of that crap because it’s
Oscar time!
January 2001
Almost Fabulous, Beboozled, The Legend of Bagger Vance, Requiem for a Dreamcast,
The Watcher, Committed, Drowning Boner, Reindeer Games, Snow Day, Terms of Engagement
May 2000
American Psycho, Emperor and the Assassin, Ghost Dog, High Fidelity, Mission to
Mars, Romero Must Die, The Whole Nine Yards, American Beauty, Anna and the King, Girl
Interrupted
January 2000
Being John Malkovich, Bicentennial Man, Man on the Moon, My Dog Skips, Sweet and
Lowdown, The Talented Mr Ripley, American Pie, The Iron Giant, The Red Violin, T with
Mussolini, Wild Wild West
June 1999
The Phantom Menace, The Mummy, Message in a Bottle, Deep End of the Ocean, Never
Been Kissed, 10 Things I Hate About You, Fanmail, Come On Over, No Limit Top Dogg,
Meet Joe Black, Gloria, The Waterboy
1999 Oscars Special
It’s Oscar time, America! And you know what that means: It’s time to assert our
inborn artistic superiority over every other country on the globe!
April 1999
Prince of Egypt, Star Trek: Ressurection, The Thin Red Line, Mask of Zorro,
The Truman Show, Buffalo 66, Womb Raider, Grimm Fandango
December 1998
Very Bad Things, Rugrats, Enemy of the State, SpiceWorld, The Parent Trap, Legend
of Zelda: Orinthal of Time