December 10, 2001
What it is, America? Entertainment Police is back and on the attack with another
two-weeks’ worth of tips and whatnot as to the goings-on in the Entertainment world.
And what a crazy world it is these days, what with the economy on recess and everyone
getting Amway in the mail and all. Look, I know you came here for the reviews, to find
out what to do with that Jefferson that’s been burning a hole in your pocket, so I
won’t delay any further. On to the movies!
In Theaters Now:
Not Another Ween Movie
Ha! Those musically irreverent Ween brothers are back in their fifth film, regardless of what the title might lead you to believe. This time they’re taking on the smash hit Titanic with this lampooning (or is it serious? or are they crazy?) musical full of memorable song-and-dance numbers like “My Heart Will Go On Sale”, “Hey Iceburg (Shithead)”, “Go Pull a Nickel Out Your Ass, Steve” and “Somebody Please Fish My Icy Nuts Out of the Atlantic”.
Ocean’s 11
The sad tale of the last remaining Phoenix brother, who was incinerated this past July in a Bar-be-cue gone bad on his eleventh birthday. Like his brother River and his sister Delta before him, he lived too fast, too young, and left a good-looking pre-pubescent corpse. This tribute is a fine send-off as he sulks his way up to the big detox in the sky.
The Royal Tennis Bums
Every king and queen’s worst nightmare is to have their progeny grow up to be nothing but long-haired polycarbonalium racquet-wielding tennis bums, cruising the courts looking for the cheap thrill of a pick-up match and taking pictures with their scofflaw Rebel SLR cameras. But just that is the lot for the rulers of the conveniently-created kingdom of Bumcock, who send their kids to a strict uppity tennis camp for the summer, thinking the regimentation will sap their love of the game. Instead, the royal shits beat the tennis slobs at the camp across the lake and learn something valuable about themselves in the process: they’re rich.
Vanilla Sky
Only a lumpy-skulled nut-tugger like Vanilla Ice would have the grotesquely swollen balls to write himself into the history of the space program in this supposedly autobiographical picture about his childhood dream of launching a rocket and his later top-level work for NASA. Not to mention that the theme song is just Elton John’s “Rocket Man” with a tambourine line added. Almost as disgusting as his last two films: “A Dream With Wings: The Orville and Vanilla Wright Story” and “Yo, I Wrote the Star-Spangled Banner”.
Now on Video:
Karen Carpenter’s Ghosts of Mars
If you thought last season of Allie McBeal was scary, wait until you witness this harrowing tale of anorexia, bulimia and gas-station candy bar sales. Beat to the punch by “The Karen Carpenter Story” a few years back, but I hear this one has vampires and shit, so it’s probably a better popcorn anorexia movie.
Maid
That meaty dude you loved so much for Swingers and Deep Throat, Jon Favorite, is back in this hilarious lark about a hapless palooka who has to go to New York and dress up as a sexy French maid to win the girl of his dreams. It turns out that impersonating the maid at his belle-to-be’s mansion is harder than it looks, and many explosively comedic situations result. Probably my favorite scene is the New Year’s Eve party where no less than a half-dozen male guests try to take Jon back to the servants’ quarters for some deep cleaning, and he discovers that the maid who he knocked out and put on a bus to Florida had been shining more than a few knobs around the mansion.
Pearl Harbor
Finally a WWII film that tells the real story of how we took on the Japanese at Pearl Harbor and kicked their skinny little tails, heaving bombs up into the trunks of their planes when they weren’t looking. Man, I would have loved to see the looks on their faces when those bombs went off. Some irresponsible networks actually played the film footage of the attack backwards, leading many Americans to believe that Japan actually tried to bomb us on that fateful day. Right, like they’d try to bomb us! Think about it people: they’re just a tiny little island. We could just go over there and blow over all their little rice paper houses with a big fan or something. Don’t be so naïve.
Television:
Woolf Lake (CBS)
As always, CBS takes the high road in its effort to keep its audience (average age 92) thrilled with
the most boring programming available. This particular time, you’ve got to respect their literary
credentials. Each week members of the Woolf Lake book club get together and discuss how much
they enjoyed their latest reading assignment. No stars, per se, unless you count Virginia Woolf
(the show’s namesake), Henry James, Mark Twain, or Agatha Christie. And of course, nobody
does.
The Agency (CBS)
The black eye network continues to make its 21st century comeback with this hot new sitcom
adapted from that infomercial about the ad agency with the new IBM computers. Who can blame
them? Few television network shows had such well-developed characters as the fat guy from
accounting and that old guy who was afraid of getting on the internet. Some advice from Roland
M: Drop that boring soccer mom who keeps whining about sending out e-mail memos, that pony
won’t play ball more than one episode.
Maybe it's Me (WB)
Give up now, Survivor! The ultimate reality show is here, and who would have thought the
WB would have it? Six horrible hack stand-up comedians are put onto a set where each week they
throw out the script and try to ad-lib each other out of the spotlight! The gag: They’ve all been told
they’re starring in a new sitcom, while the truth is that when it’s over, only one of them can go on to
star in a third-rate WB sitcom with lousy writing next season! Unless the other five get put into their
own ABC shows or something.
Video Games:
The Sims Hot Date (PC)
Call me a whacko with no sense of humor, but paying $30 just to get a box with a rubber glove
and Jergens lotion in it doesn’t sit well with me, folks at Electronic Arts. I bet you assholes are the
ones who unscrew the salt shaker at KFC whenever I’m dining in. Fuckers.
Metallica Solitude (PS2)
Everyone who knows games (and I do) has been waiting forever for this huge arrival for the
Playstation 2, and it finally arrives, about ten years too late. I’ve never been a big fan of Metallica
or their lead singer Snake, so maybe it’s my fault this computerized version of their biggest video is
a let down. Not bad, but playing as a crumpled old man digging your way out of some futuristic
prison while morbid arpeggio music plays in the background isn’t my idea of high-speed gaming.
Alone in the Dark 4 (DC)
Those fuckers at Electronic Arts are making “games” for Dreamcast now. Fool me once, shame on
you. Fool me twice, I come after you with a goddamn shotgun, you butt-humping jerkwipes. May
you rot in hell. In the meantime, I’ve got a nice set of dish gloves and more Jergens lotion than
anybody needs. Electronic Arts can lick my salty parts.
Well, I hope that all turned your world upside-down, I know it did mine. We’ll be
back in six days short of a fortnight to rain entertainment manna down on your
unsuspecting heads one more time. Watch for it.
Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist
Free Virus Baggies
Take a Kitten, Please
the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
FAQ Shwartz |
Site Map's Somewhere in the Glovebox |
Search In Vain |
Contract Ick
Privacy Police |
Terms of Gary Busey |
Reprints & Persimmons |
Press Eject Now
November 26, 2001
Beneath Enemy Lies, Black Guy, Out Cold, Spy Game, Texas Rangers, America's Sweathogs, Apocalypse Now Re-do, Gay Relative, How the Gooch Stole Christmas, Joey and the Pussy Hats, Osama Jones, Bob Packwood's Son, Men Women & Dogs, The Yellin' Show, Lucy's Mansion, Pikmin, Jimmy Neutron Boy Genius
November 12, 2001
Domestic Disturbance, Mobsters Inc, Shallow Hal, The Animal, Baby Boyscouts, The Golden Bowl, Alias, Crossing Jordan, The Big Mac Show, Kabuki Warriors, SEX Tricky, Tony Hawk’s Prosecutor Tux, NFL Prime Time 2002
October 29, 2001
From Hell, Iron Monkey, Mulholland Drive, Riding in Cars with Boys, About Adam, Along Came a Spider, Freddie Got Fingered, With a Friend Like Harry, Scrubs, Philly, Accordion Jim, Tony Hawk Prosecutor 2, Devil May Cry, Final Fantasy Tac Tics
October 15, 2001
Don't Say a Word, Jeepers Creepers, Meggido: The Omega Code II, The Princess Diaries, Training Day, Exit Wounds, Heartbreakers, One Night at McDonalds, Twenty-Four, Smallville, Inside Schwartz, Silent Hill 2, ICO, Crazy Taxi 2
October 1, 2001
Hardballs, Heart’s in Atlantis, The Others, Planet of the Grape Apes, Amorous Parrots, Blow, Enemy at the Gates’, Memento the Mexican, The Tailor of Panama
2001 Oscars Special
What’s the haps, America? Well, you can forget about all of that crap because it’s
Oscar time!
January 2001
Almost Fabulous, Beboozled, The Legend of Bagger Vance, Requiem for a Dreamcast,
The Watcher, Committed, Drowning Boner, Reindeer Games, Snow Day, Terms of Engagement
May 2000
American Psycho, Emperor and the Assassin, Ghost Dog, High Fidelity, Mission to
Mars, Romero Must Die, The Whole Nine Yards, American Beauty, Anna and the King, Girl
Interrupted
January 2000
Being John Malkovich, Bicentennial Man, Man on the Moon, My Dog Skips, Sweet and
Lowdown, The Talented Mr Ripley, American Pie, The Iron Giant, The Red Violin, T with
Mussolini, Wild Wild West
June 1999
The Phantom Menace, The Mummy, Message in a Bottle, Deep End of the Ocean, Never
Been Kissed, 10 Things I Hate About You, Fanmail, Come On Over, No Limit Top Dogg,
Meet Joe Black, Gloria, The Waterboy
1999 Oscars Special
It’s Oscar time, America! And you know what that means: It’s time to assert our
inborn artistic superiority over every other country on the globe!
April 1999
Prince of Egypt, Star Trek: Ressurection, The Thin Red Line, Mask of Zorro,
The Truman Show, Buffalo 66, Womb Raider, Grimm Fandango
December 1998
Very Bad Things, Rugrats, Enemy of the State, SpiceWorld, The Parent Trap, Legend
of Zelda: Orinthal of Time