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January 7, 2002
Hello hello, America and welcome to a very special Entertainment Police with
which to ring in the New Year! The time has come for the first ever “Ask Roland
Special Edition,” and if that doesn’t put exciting lumps in your oatmeal, I
don’t know what will. As I’m sure you all know, your old friend Roland gets all
kinds of letters, faxes and emails here at the commune and under the windshield
wipers of my car and I do my best to answer them in the semi-regular feature that
you’ve come to know and love as… “Ask Roland!” But sometimes due to space
considerations, I just can’t get to every last letter and they start to pile up
around here. When that happens, I sort them into different piles based on the
kind of question being asked and whether or not any naked pictures came in the
envelope with the letter. Seeing as there’s squat in the theaters right now
that’s interesting to write about, I figured this was a perfect time to address
my biggest pile, which is all letters asking about famous Hollywood legends and
rumors. So sit back, relax, and drink in the “Ask Roland Hollywood Legends
Special Edition!”
Q. Yo, Roland, I was hangin’ over at my buddy Steve’s house and we were,
like watching some TV and the Wizard of Oz comes on and Steve says to me, he says
“Dude, you know if you play some Floyd or some shit while you’re watching this
movie, it’ll like totally fuck up your life, right?” and I said no way Steve, and
I pissed in his aquarium. But anyway, I asked this other dude down at the head
shop about it and he says it’s totally true, that if you watch the Wizard of Oz
at the same time as you’re playing Dark Side, you’ll trip into some alternate
dimension or some shit. No way! So what’s the deal Roland, are they totally
yanking my shank or what?
Chuck Meadley, Hangrow, Vermont
A. It’s totally true, Chuck. Except your drug-addled friends seem to have
mixed up a few basic details in that what you actually have to do is listen to
Nick Drake’s 1972 classic “Pink Moon” while you’re watching The Wizard of Oz,
preferably on Betamax. The album is like a perfect soundtrack to the film, even
though you have to restart it four times during the course of the movie and
there’s no dialogue so you never know quite what the hell is going on. But you’ll
be shocked out of your socks when “Which Will” plays right when the wicked witch
is shaking her broom at Dorothy and again when “Things Behind the Sun” plays
during the scene when Dorothy gives the Wizard a knob-job behind that big fake
sun prop.
Also, if you play the album backwards, while fast-forwarding through the film, a
small elf will come out of your television set and give you a kiss on the nose.
You heard it here first. And this isn’t the only album-movie synchronicity that
you should check out. Hip listeners have known for years that Elton John’s
“Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” forms a perfect counterpoint to the 1980 classic
“Herbie Goes Bananas,” and some folks say “The Graduate” is pretty cool if you
watch it while listening to some Simon & Garfunkel, too.
Q. Hey Roland, is it true that a bunch of hicks were watching “Twister” at
the Drive-In when the Drive-In itself was hit by a tornado? Man, talk about your
special effects!
Meryl Dunkle, Pitchwater, VA
A. Don’t quit your day job, Meryl. This is another example of a true story
that gets blown way out of proportion in the telling. What really happened was
that some out-of-work fish-hook bender in Alabama was watching Twister on video
in his trailer home when a tornado hit the trailer park, picked up his trailer,
and dumped it right in front of the drive-thru of a nearby Rax. The guy didn’t
realize there’d been a tornado, even though a live pig was blown in his bedroom
window and had sex with his sleeping wife. He just thought someone had built a
Rax on his property, so he went nuts and shot a bunch of kids or something.
Business as usual in Alabama, I’m afraid. So even though it would be really cool
if your Drive-In story was true, Meryl, real life just isn’t that strange.
Q. Roland. Is true Three Men Baby? Nastenk tell dead boy of movie. In
window! Tell of apartment boy dead of shotgun. I do not of belief. You drunking,
Nastenk! You get out from my window! Roland, you think? Is true?
Marfushka Khvylya, Bronx, New York
A. Well Marfushka, I’m going to run with the idea that you’re asking about
the infamous “Three Men and a Baby” suicide rumor, because otherwise I don’t know
what in the hell you’re talking about. Ever since the video release of “Three Men
and a Baby,” people have been saying that they see the ghostly image of a boy
with a shotgun standing in a window in the background of one of the apartment
scenes. Rumor has it that the boy committed suicide with a shotgun in that very
apartment, which was later rented by the studio for use in the film. Pretty
creepy, huh? Even creepier is the true story!
In fact, the ghostly figure is not a boy at all, but rather the infamous suicidal
munchkin who hanged himself on-camera during the filming of The Wizard of Oz.
“Three Men and a Baby” wasn’t filmed in a real apartment, but rather on a
Hollywood soundstage, and one known to be haunted by the munchkin’s ghost, no
less. It’s been known around Hollywood for years that the munchkin’s ghost has
been sneaking into dozens of films and hamming it up for the camera, appearing
in the background of such diverse movies as “Breakin’ 2,” “Cannonball Run,” and
“Young Einstein.” Creepier still is the fact that when you watch the Wizard of
Oz while listening to Nick Drake’s “Pink Moon,” during the Tin Woodsman scene,
the munchkin suicide coincides perfectly with Drake singing the line “I’m hung
up on little things,” no fooling!
Q. Greetings, Roland. I’m curious as to your take on the old Hollywood
legend of James Dean’s Death Car, and the rumors that several of the car’s
subsequent owners met with untimely ends as well, like in that one episode of
Alf. Should we place any stock in these stories of “Little Bastard” and it’s
legacy of woe?
Sterling Bosnich, Santa Fe, New Mexico
A. Interesting question, Sterling. For years people seem to have been
intoxicated by the lore surrounding James Dean’s car. And although Dean himself
considered his car to be cursed, the rumors that have surfaced in the years since
his death have been totally unfounded. Few doubt that Dean’s car was remarkable:
a remarkable piece of shit. Many have understandably turned to the supernatural
to explain the behavior of this rusted-out shitbox El Camino that wouldn’t roll
down a hill unless the parking brake was on. No one knows how great Dean’s film
legacy could have been if he’d had more reliable transportation. He was
considered a shoe-in to play the starring role in “Gone with the Wind,” but the
car’s air conditioner exploded on the way to the audition, spraying mosquito-egg
infested water all over the interior of the car. When Dean pulled over to inspect
the damage, the engine caught on fire and this shitty Herb Albert 8-track that he
was only borrowing to appease a pushy buddy of his melted permanently into the
radio. The knobs even melted solid but the radio continued to work, blasting Herb
Albert and the Tijuana Brass at full volume every time he started the car from
then on. Even after this incident, the car continued to run, though just enough
to piss Dean off and to keep him from buying a newer car. The windshield leaked,
the entire front end was held on by a bungee cord, there was a spring that poked
up through the driver’s seat and the windshield wipers only worked when it was
warm out, at which time they ran constantly and couldn’t be turned off.
The car
didn’t earn the nickname “Little Bastard,” however, until the night of Dean’s
infamous arrest when he ran over an aluminum can while driving behind a police
car. Little Bastard, as if on cue, simultaneously lost it’s muffler and the horn
began to blare constantly, which it continued to do for two whole days until
someone took an axe to the hood of the car in a police impound lot. Dean was
arrested for embarrassing the police officers, who thought they had driven onto
the railroad tracks and bailed out of their squad car in the middle of Hollywood
Boulevard. However, remarkable as this car may have been, the rumors of its
subsequent owners meeting with suspicious ends are untrue. After Dean owned the
car, it was sold to a Puerto Rican man named Henry, and it spent the better part
of the next two years up on blocks on his front lawn. Never able to get it to
run, Henry opted to have the car towed away, only to have his plan foiled when
the rear axle broke during the attempted towing. Henry later pushed the car off
a cliff in desperation, but it got caught up in some trees halfway down the
cliff face and Henry was arrested for endangering a nest of baby condors. No
one is quite sure where the car went to after that, but the consensus is that
wherever it is now, it’s most likely pissing somebody off.
And that’s a wrap! I hope it was informative, enlightening, and
deadline-fulfilling for you, too. Be sure to check back in two more weeks for a
return to your favorite movie, video and electronic game reviews, and keep those
letters waltzing in!
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Milestones
1983: Red Bagel is thrown out of a casino for counting cards. He is not cheating, merely trying to settle a bet
with a friend on how many decks the casino uses.
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Now Hiring
James Bondian Action Hero. Must be proficient in fire arms and small mechanical gadgets with
ridiculous capabilities. Responsibilities include killing unnamed lackeys and doing battle with bizarre supervillians
of non-distinct European origin. Good benefits, adventure, and pussy galore.
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Best Sellers
1. |
The Bridges of Macon County, Georgia
Bobby Ray Poker
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2. |
The Lord of the Tacky Pimp Rings
J.Z.Z.Z. Toolking
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3. |
Mary Contrary, Are You on the Rag Today?
Dr. Soobst
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4. |
Oprah's Book Club Can Eat Me
Jonathan Franzen
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5. |
I Sure Miss the Cold War
Tom Clancy
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Copyright © 2002 the.commune Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is likely to piss off her dad big-time.
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December 24, 2001
ALI, Jimmy Nimrod Boy Genius, The Lords of the Ring: The Fellowship in the Ring, Mule in Rouge, The Center of the World, Scary Movie 2, The Amazing Racist, The Tick, The Garbageman, Forever Kingdom, Blood Wake, NBA Inside Driver 2002
December 10, 2001
Not Another Ween Movie, Ocean's 11, The Royal Tennis Bums, Vanilla Sky, Karen Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars, Maid, Pearl Harbor, Woolf Lake, The Agency, Maybe it's Me, The Sims Hot Date, Metallica Solitude, Alone in the Dark 4
November 26, 2001
Beneath Enemy Lies, Black Guy, Out Cold, Spy Game, Texas Rangers, America's Sweathogs, Apocalypse Now Re-do, Gay Relative, How the Gooch Stole Christmas, Joey and the Pussy Hats, Osama Jones, Bob Packwood's Son, Men Women & Dogs, The Yellin' Show, Lucy's Mansion, Pikmin, Jimmy Neutron Boy Genius
November 12, 2001
Domestic Disturbance, Mobsters Inc, Shallow Hal, The Animal, Baby Boyscouts, The Golden Bowl, Alias, Crossing Jordan, The Big Mac Show, Kabuki Warriors, SEX Tricky, Tony Hawk’s Prosecutor Tux, NFL Prime Time 2002
October 29, 2001
From Hell, Iron Monkey, Mulholland Drive, Riding in Cars with Boys, About Adam, Along Came a Spider, Freddie Got Fingered, With a Friend Like Harry, Scrubs, Philly, Accordion Jim, Tony Hawk Prosecutor 2, Devil May Cry, Final Fantasy Tac Tics
October 15, 2001
Don't Say a Word, Jeepers Creepers, Meggido: The Omega Code II, The Princess Diaries, Training Day, Exit Wounds, Heartbreakers, One Night at McDonalds, Twenty-Four, Smallville, Inside Schwartz, Silent Hill 2, ICO, Crazy Taxi 2
October 1, 2001
Hardballs, Heart’s in Atlantis, The Others, Planet of the Grape Apes, Amorous Parrots, Blow, Enemy at the Gates’, Memento the Mexican, The Tailor of Panama
2001 Oscars Special
What’s the haps, America? Well, you can forget about all of that crap because it’s
Oscar time!
January 2001
Almost Fabulous, Beboozled, The Legend of Bagger Vance, Requiem for a Dreamcast,
The Watcher, Committed, Drowning Boner, Reindeer Games, Snow Day, Terms of Engagement
May 2000
American Psycho, Emperor and the Assassin, Ghost Dog, High Fidelity, Mission to
Mars, Romero Must Die, The Whole Nine Yards, American Beauty, Anna and the King, Girl
Interrupted
January 2000
Being John Malkovich, Bicentennial Man, Man on the Moon, My Dog Skips, Sweet and
Lowdown, The Talented Mr Ripley, American Pie, The Iron Giant, The Red Violin, T with
Mussolini, Wild Wild West
June 1999
The Phantom Menace, The Mummy, Message in a Bottle, Deep End of the Ocean, Never
Been Kissed, 10 Things I Hate About You, Fanmail, Come On Over, No Limit Top Dogg,
Meet Joe Black, Gloria, The Waterboy
1999 Oscars Special
It’s Oscar time, America! And you know what that means: It’s time to assert our
inborn artistic superiority over every other country on the globe!
April 1999
Prince of Egypt, Star Trek: Ressurection, The Thin Red Line, Mask of Zorro,
The Truman Show, Buffalo 66, Womb Raider, Grimm Fandango
December 1998
Very Bad Things, Rugrats, Enemy of the State, SpiceWorld, The Parent Trap, Legend
of Zelda: Orinthal of Time
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U IGNORANT
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Handimaster 3000
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Miniver Cheevy's 1000-Watt Television Paradise
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UPC Television Network
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