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February 18, 2002
What it is, America? Welcome back to the long and lonely road of Entertainment Policing. You’ve probably heard about most of what’s gone down since the last installment of this column, including the restraining order placed against yours truly by Saul Worthington of the Bronx, New York. Sometimes the path to the truth can be littered with hardship and legal fees, that’s all I have to say about that. But the important thing is that we’re back, and ready with another two-weeks’ worth of vital editorial nuggets pertaining to the entertainment choices you, the valued reader, must make on a regular basis. But before we get to that, how about we set the mood with a tall, cool glass of Ask Roland? No? Alright, but don't come crying to me when you wake up in the middle of the night hungry for Ask Roland! You made your bed, now on to the reviews!
In Theaters Now:
Crossroads
As part of the deal that Hollywood struck with a devil on a moonlit
night back in 1927, every ten years or so they’re required to put
out a movie called Crossroads.
And over the years they’ve delivered, starting with the 1929 French
truffle of the same name, continuing with the 1931 Ruskie animated
flop, then the 1942 Basil Rathbone picture that succeeded solely on
the merits of having an actor with a very cool name on the marquee,
then there were the famously forgettable “Crossroads” films of 1955
and 1957, Bruce Conner’s revival of the genre in 1976 (notice that
there was no “Crossroads” film during the 60’s, and look at what
happened then), then after that it was ten years on the nose until
Ralph Macchio’s 1986 film about a blues guitarist who definitely
doesn’t know karate, and finally the 1996 version about a man tying
his shoe that was released to only one theater in Missouri, merely
to keep up the bargain.
Well, the Hollywood big-wigs are trying to make sure that doesn’t
happen again, and are jumping the gun early in releasing this
decade’s version of a lousy movie called Crossroads. This time it
stars Britney Spears, everyone’s favorite virgin, who I’m beginning
to suspect may have made some kind of deal with the devil herself.
How else can you explain the legions of 13 year-old Britney clones
that clog our shopping malls and amusement parks like the backwash
of brine shrimp out of a whale’s ass? Sorry honey, but I think it’s
time to side-step your creaky old tush out of the limelight to make
room for some fresh young talent. I hear there’s a singing 10
year-old from West Virginia who can put her legs behind her head,
you know.
Big Fat Liar
What’s funnier than Jim Carrey running around like he’s retarded and not being able to tell a lie? You guessed it, a 300 pound Jim Carrey running around like he’s retarded and not being able to tell a lie. They promised the sequel would be bigger than the original, but none of us dared to think they were talking about Carrey’s drooping leg fat. And yeah, it’s pretty funny, but I have to admit it’s the ultimate insult when Hollywood would rather dress up attractive people in fat suits than hire one of the many genuinely fat people available for the role.
Dragonfly
Strange new Kevin Costner flick about a doctor who’s wife dies and
is reincarnated as a dragonfly. Costner’s character tries every kind
of new-age chicanery to contact his dead wife, not knowing that she
was the slightly greenish discoloration on the windshield of his
Beemer all along.
Peter Pan 2: Return to Nevermind
Man, when Disney cuts a budget, they cut a budget. Not only did they
shamelessly rehash one of their all-time classics by re-arranging
the original footage and inserting a computer-animated wisecracking
bedpan, they didn’t even spring for an original score for the film.
Instead, Disney’s latest effort is set to Nirvana’s 1991
breakthrough album, Nevermind. A great album, but talk about your
bizarre creative choices! You can bet there are going to be some
tykes choking on their Cow Tails when they come to the theater
expecting to hear “You Can Fly!” and instead they get “Territorial
Pissings.” It really makes me wonder if there’s anyone manning the
big magic flying ship over there at Disney. If there is, they must
have slept through their alarm because I think the magic boat just
crashed into a Kmart.
Queen of the Damned
I’ve always assumed that when you walk through the gates of Hades,
they’ll have Queen playing at an uncomfortable volume. Apparently
I’m not the only one who felt this way, since the band’s first
exploitation film has them booked on a sold-out tour of hell.
Spankingly gay frontman Freddie Prinz Jr. eats up the screen in his
musical film debut, and gets some of it stuck in his mustache. They
didn’t really say either way in the movie, but I’ve always imagined
Queen would have the Village People opening for them on their tour
of hell. Partly because I’ve long suspected they’re actually the
same band.
Now on Video:
13 Ghosts
What’s scarier than a dozen ghosts but not quite as scary as
fourteen? That’s right, F. Murray Abraham. Striking the same perfect
balance of creepy menace he found in Scarface, without going
overboard by being hysterically, pants-shittingly scary, Abraham
turns in his best performance since he played himself in The Phantom
Emancipation Proclamation.
Bones
Is space-doctor turned gangsta-rapper D-Forest Kelley ready for the
transition to big-screen leading man? I don’t know, you might have
to ask him yourself, but he sucked in this one. Even with Pam
“Foxy-Boxing” Grier getting his back, I still wasn’t able to believe
in him as an action stud, and the attempted turns on his trademark
catchphrase (“I’m not a role model, I’m a space-doctor.”) ranged
from the unintentionally funny to the downright pathetic.
J.Lo and Silent Bob Strike Back
They really need to beef up security on Hollywood movie sets these
days, because I’m starting to feel like you can’t see a movie
anymore that doesn’t have some clueless pop star wandering in front
of the camera and gumming up the works. Sometimes they even play
along like they’re actually in the movie, it’s pathetic. Here we
have what would have been a fun family film that’s totally spoiled
by J.Lo and her pottymouthed antics. What kind of nickname is J.Lo,
anyway? Can I get that with fruit in it?
Television:
It's nice to know even when the movies whip it out and piss all over
you there's still trust old television and it's top shows to turn to.
Except for the Olympics have taken a dump on my TV. So, covered in
every kind of bodily waste, I sum up the highlights of the Olympics.
Marguerita Mixing
Ice sculpting is fun, but what do you do when it's done? A giant ice
squirrel is about as useful as... no, stop that snide comment, there's
absolutely nothing else more useless. Anyway, the Olympics have done
good this year, getting the world's top lushes to come in and see how
fast they can pound down the sculptures into a fine drink cooler.
Roland M. will be playing along at home.
100-Meter Slip-N-Fall
Usually instead of professional athletes this competition is made up
of political prisoners and dissidents. They give them two minutes to
get across an icy tundra with greased feet and if they make it, they
get a commuted sentence. I watch it not so much for the rousing
Olympic spirit and athletic prowess as the funny falling down and
busting of asses.
Ice Diving
Anybody can execute a perfect slice into water, but it takes one
major bad-ass to cut through solid ice. In fact, it's never actually
done. Most countries don't participate in this rare event, but the
ones who do definitely have dedicated athletes. The highlight for me
was China's Ting Wa Noon, who actually broke the ice. He'll probably
be awarded the bronze, posthumously.
Video Games:
Simpson's Road Rage (GC, PS2, XB)
Shows how anything is funny, given a few years. The craziest racing
games out there features you as O.J. Simpson circa 1994, running
from the law with a gun to your head, driven by loyal buddy A.C.
You have to escape the law so you can prove your innocence and
catch the real killers.
Jonny Moseley: Bad Trix (GBA)
What luck is that? That stupid rabbit spends years trying to get a
hold of the cereal just to find out it's poison for rabbits. Now
you've got 24 game hours to find a vet and get fixed. Not a real
blast, but it was interesting to find out the rabbit was named Jonny.
You think they could've made that more obvious in the commercials.
Drackin' II
Nauseating game about a skateboarder who got a hold of a bad Jack in
the Box burger and has his tricks and jumps interrupted by violent
bouts of vomiting. Can't decide whether it wants to be a skateboarding
or a vomiting game, but neither one is very good. Reminded me of my
own visits to Tainted Burger, though.
Well, faithful readers, according to USDA regulations that’s all I
can give you for this week. Be sure to tune back in a few weeks from
now for more of your beloved entertainment vittles. Until then!
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Milestones
1988: Red Bagel's screenplay based on the cover up of the Challenger disaster is rejected for production and accused of being plagiarized from Tootsie.
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Now Hiring
Rib Sandwich. Tasty barbecue rib sandwich, no experience required, must be available noon today. If position works out, could invite you back every week and some weekends. Please contact Ned Nedmiller at the commune.
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Top-Selling Software
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Windows XPlodes
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Norton's Anti-Social
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The Sims Hot Threesome
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Doom: Columbine Commemorative Edition
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Mavis Beacon XTreme Typing
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Copyright © 2002 the.commune Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is likely to piss off her dad big-time.
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February 4, 2002
A Beautiful Mime, Big Fat Liar, Collateral Damage, I Am Sam, Rollerball, Captain Correlli's Man-dolphin, The Curse of the Sade Scorpion, Ghost World, Kiss of the Drag Queen
January 21, 2002
Black Hawk Down, The Count in Monty's Crisco, Orange County, Snow Dogs, The Fat and the Furious, Glass House, Rush: Hour 2, Two Can Play that Game, What's the Worst That Could Happen, Imagine That, The Chamber, Worst Monday, Sponging Bob, Final Fantasy X, Eternal Darkness
Ask Roland Hollywood Legends Special Edition
The time has come for the first ever “Ask Roland Special Edition,” and if that doesn’t put exciting lumps in your oatmeal, I don’t know what will.
December 24, 2001
ALI, Jimmy Nimrod Boy Genius, The Lords of the Ring: The Fellowship in the Ring, Mule in Rouge, The Center of the World, Scary Movie 2, The Amazing Racist, The Tick, The Garbageman, Forever Kingdom, Blood Wake, NBA Inside Driver 2002
December 10, 2001
Not Another Ween Movie, Ocean's 11, The Royal Tennis Bums, Vanilla Sky, Karen Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars, Maid, Pearl Harbor, Woolf Lake, The Agency, Maybe it's Me, The Sims Hot Date, Metallica Solitude, Alone in the Dark 4
November 26, 2001
Beneath Enemy Lies, Black Guy, Out Cold, Spy Game, Texas Rangers, America's Sweathogs, Apocalypse Now Re-do, Gay Relative, How the Gooch Stole Christmas, Joey and the Pussy Hats, Osama Jones, Bob Packwood's Son, Men Women & Dogs, The Yellin' Show, Lucy's Mansion, Pikmin, Jimmy Neutron Boy Genius
November 12, 2001
Domestic Disturbance, Mobsters Inc, Shallow Hal, The Animal, Baby Boyscouts, The Golden Bowl, Alias, Crossing Jordan, The Big Mac Show, Kabuki Warriors, SEX Tricky, Tony Hawk’s Prosecutor Tux, NFL Prime Time 2002
October 29, 2001
From Hell, Iron Monkey, Mulholland Drive, Riding in Cars with Boys, About Adam, Along Came a Spider, Freddie Got Fingered, With a Friend Like Harry, Scrubs, Philly, Accordion Jim, Tony Hawk Prosecutor 2, Devil May Cry, Final Fantasy Tac Tics
October 15, 2001
Don't Say a Word, Jeepers Creepers, Meggido: The Omega Code II, The Princess Diaries, Training Day, Exit Wounds, Heartbreakers, One Night at McDonalds, Twenty-Four, Smallville, Inside Schwartz, Silent Hill 2, ICO, Crazy Taxi 2
October 1, 2001
Hardballs, Heart’s in Atlantis, The Others, Planet of the Grape Apes, Amorous Parrots, Blow, Enemy at the Gates’, Memento the Mexican, The Tailor of Panama
2001 Oscars Special
What’s the haps, America? Well, you can forget about all of that crap because it’s
Oscar time!
January 2001
Almost Fabulous, Beboozled, The Legend of Bagger Vance, Requiem for a Dreamcast,
The Watcher, Committed, Drowning Boner, Reindeer Games, Snow Day, Terms of Engagement
May 2000
American Psycho, Emperor and the Assassin, Ghost Dog, High Fidelity, Mission to
Mars, Romero Must Die, The Whole Nine Yards, American Beauty, Anna and the King, Girl
Interrupted
January 2000
Being John Malkovich, Bicentennial Man, Man on the Moon, My Dog Skips, Sweet and
Lowdown, The Talented Mr Ripley, American Pie, The Iron Giant, The Red Violin, T with
Mussolini, Wild Wild West
June 1999
The Phantom Menace, The Mummy, Message in a Bottle, Deep End of the Ocean, Never
Been Kissed, 10 Things I Hate About You, Fanmail, Come On Over, No Limit Top Dogg,
Meet Joe Black, Gloria, The Waterboy
1999 Oscars Special
It’s Oscar time, America! And you know what that means: It’s time to assert our
inborn artistic superiority over every other country on the globe!
April 1999
Prince of Egypt, Star Trek: Ressurection, The Thin Red Line, Mask of Zorro,
The Truman Show, Buffalo 66, Womb Raider, Grimm Fandango
December 1998
Very Bad Things, Rugrats, Enemy of the State, SpiceWorld, The Parent Trap, Legend
of Zelda: Orinthal of Time
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U IGNORANT
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Handimaster 3000
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Miniver Cheevy's 1000-Watt Television Paradise
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UPC Television Network
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