JUNIOR BACON Collectors vie for the chance to purchase expired Grape Nuts

“While the market for more traditional items, like home computers or appliances, is still weak, new markets for products like misprinted dog food bags and celebrity nerf ball fuzz have been driving the economy for months. A nation shaken by terrorism has been economically buoyed by its passion for truly useless shit,” commented Rosenblum on Monday.

Useless collectables have long been a factor in the national economy, with a strong demand for Thomas Kincade paintings, beanie babies and dot-com stocks helping to pull America through the recession in the early 90’s. But the recent surge has been unlike anything this country has seen before.

“Americans have realized that any new computer they buy is just going to seem as slow at their old one in two months, and a new Chevy’s going to break down just as often as their old one, but original mint-condition promotional materials from the short-lived Wintergreen Nerds candy line are going to be something they can pass on to their grandchildren,” said Frank Nettle, editor of Trendy Obsession magazine.

In spite of numerous public statements from the Franklin Mint reminding the public that if it’s not hand-numbered and cast in pewter, it’s not a collectable, the current collecting trend has moved beyond the traditional “bullshit painted on plates” market, branching out beyond porcelain figurines and glass elephants into the unknown realm beyond. The latest frontier of collecting is as varied as the American people themselves, whose collections range from the intensely personal to the just plain bizarre.

Asked why he began collecting caps from different brands of ranch dressing over fifteen years ago, Arlo Turtle of Angel Falls, TX replied: “it seemed as good as the next thing.” Angie DuBank of Peoria, IL collects pictures of places where Annette Benning has had her hair cut, while Ted Middlebaum owns over 35 ticket stubs from the original screening of Porky’s in Las Vegas. Beatrice Fraumbalt, who collects address labels from old TV guides, explains: “It’s not about what something means to you, or where it came from. Or even what it costs. Or if your grandchildren look forward to inheriting your collection when you die. It’s about keeping the Space Invaders from finding out where you live and laying eggs in your preserves.”

Modern collectors range from a budget-conscious gatherer of little green army figures like Tank Reynolds (“I’ve got a soldier in every position except the one where the guy’s tip-toeing, presumably into a Hamburg cat show, which is thought to be a crawling figure who was miscast in the molding process during the factory fire in 1971”) to a high-roller like Chelton McNesh, who owns an extensive collection of Visa cards with low account numbers. Though the collection is his pride and joy, McNesh still peppers every conversation with bitter references to “the Honus Wagner of all Visa collectables, card number 4500-0000-0000-0001” thought to be owned by a Saudi collector. Though just how many Saudis the man owns can only be guessed at this time.

“A person’s collection reflects a bit of who they are and where their passions lie,” said Lillith Barnes, owner of the world’s largest collection of things that have been pulled out of Ted Kennedy’s ass. “Obviously I’m a political junkie at heart,” explained Barnes, gesturing toward a display case containing an electric toothbrush, one improbably large shoehorn, a Holly Hobby Doll, a bicycle inner tube and a set of three matching Happy Apples.

Oftentimes terrible miscues by major manufacturers are offset by the profits gleaned from marketing aborted runs of products as limited-edition collectables. “Sure, I know they make a lot of jokes about New Coke and how it flopped. But what nobody ever tells you is that we’re still making the stuff and selling it on eBay,” confided Bernard Manhouse, head of Research and Development for Coca-Cola. That same collector’s mentality has allowed Chevrolet to turn a profit on the ill-fated Looney Tunes Corvette, and helped cut the losses related to the similarly misguided Muppets-endorsed Wok-a-Wok-a-Wok from Kitchenade.

The collecting trend which has gripped the nation has spread even to the commune offices, where repeated attempts have been made to steal Rok Finger’s shoes, the same pair he has been wearing nonstop since 1953.

the commune news is proud to announce a limited-edition run of collectable commune back issues, presented on a handsome display monitor and hand-typed by Red Bagel while wearing fine pewter jewelry. Send cash or money orders for $10, $20 or $30 (preferably $30) to SUCKER BUS c/o the commune. Ramrod Hurley has been buying them up like there’s no tomorrow, so act fast! Get on the sucker bus!™

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