JUNIOR BACON Convicted Rep. James Traficant, who can surely afford a better suit.

Upon hearing the guilty of verdict, Traficant, who represented himself, stated, “I accept your verdict.” On the steps of the courthouse, despite his attorney’s counsel, Traficant vowed to appeal the verdict.

“I refuse to accept a verdict of this nature,” Traficant told the commune. “This decision, indeed these charges, have all been politically motivated. I suspect everybody involved in this trial, from the prosecution to the judge to the defense attorney to the jury is out to ruin my good name. I reject this attempt to oust me from office. I’ll see to it these charges are acquitted and my attorney is disbarred.”

House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt (D-Missouri) called for Traficant’s resignation. Upon being told Traficant was convicted of the charges, Gephardt was unswayed and still called for his resignation.

“Mr. Traficant puts a foul mark on all congressman everywhere,” said Gephardt. “His conviction on bribery charges seals the deal. He cannot be trusted to represent the people of Ohio anymore. He is exactly why people hate politicians, and has been found legally guilty of doing what everyone else is only suspected of doing.”

“I might also add,” continued Gephardt, “that Mr. Traficant has, in recent months, been supporting Rep. Dennis Hastert as speaker of the House. You know, Hastert? The Republican? You put it all together, eh?”

When confronted with Gephardt’s statements, Traficant was resilient about keeping his seat.

“I have convictions I will not turn away from. And by convictions, I don’t mean yesterday’s convictions, I mean my original convictions that brought me to office.” Traficant accepted an envelope from a dark-suited man which he quickly pocketed. “They have tried to convict me on these charges before, when I first began my political career. They failed then and I believe they ultimately will fail again. These are my deeply-held convictions. Once again, I mean my personal convictions, not criminal.”

When questioned about the charges, Traficant spoke vaguely. “Mistakes were made. Let’s just say that and nobody gets hurt.”

“My only regret,” continued Traficant, “was that I didn’t hire bigger and burlier aides. Somebody with a little farm hand experience. At the end of the day I could’ve gotten twice as much done. Or hell, maybe even just hired a couple of guys to run the farm without having to pretend they work in the office. It’s not like I’m running short on cash, with all the bribes and underreporting on the tax forms. But that’s not a confession—I mean, that’s not to say I—aw, forget it. Talk to my attorney.”

the commune news pleads to be taken out to the ballgame, where hopefully we won’t care if we ever get back. Ohio? Ramon Nootles is from Ohio! What an incredible coincidence! Ohio! Or Iowa or something like that anyway.

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