SKEETER BARNES Reverend Jerry Falwell on-air plugging www.jerryfalwellhasnodick.com

In addition to those names, he has also put money down to prevent such sites as jerryfalwelljerksoffgoats.com, jerryfalwelltakesituptheass.com and jerryfalwellisafuckingignorantshithead.com from becoming highly-visible web pages that might get hundreds of hits a day from well-meaning Christians seeking more information about him.

“I’m snapping those puppies up as fast as I can,” Reverend Falwell was quoted as saying. “Right now I’ve got dozens more waiting in the wings. Just this morning, I sent checks to cover jerryfalwelltonguesmyanus.com, jerryfalwelleatsshitanddies.com, and one that I thought was really disturbing, jerryfalwellswallowshyenaspunk.com.”

He went on to lament that “Good Christians everywhere have a right to be spared from this sort of filth. What do you think would happen if some innocent young person got on the Internet and, in trying to find out something about one of my pronouncements that God is going to punish America with a meteor or a severe hurricane because it allows homosexuals and abortionists to live, that young person accidentally clicked on jerryfalwellsuckedafartoutofmyass.com? Why, the whole moral fiber of this great country is at stake.”

The most recent domain names purchased by Reverend Falwell have included jerryfalwellisafascistmotherfucker.com, jerryfalwellblowshimself.com, jerryfalwelldrownsinmenstrualjuices.com, and jerryfalwelllikesdaffodils.com.

Asked about that last name, Reverend Falwell explained, “Well, I do like daffodils, especially the yellow and white kind. I thought, since I’m buying a bunch of domain names anyway, why not get one that I like? I mean, have you ever seen how a big bunch of white and yellow daffodils can brighten up a room? I just love them. Them and sweetpeas. Oh, you should see what the room looks like when you get a bunch of white and yellow daffodils and mix in some sweetpeas that are all different colors. It’s a glory to God, I’m telling you.”

There was no word on whether Reverend Falwell’s compatriot Pat Robertson would be purchasing any similar domain names in the near future, though this reporter did discover that an unkown person paid money recently for the rights to use patrobertsonisafuckingdickheadliar.com.

Here at the commune, we subscribe to the “one single, perfect, long-stemmed rose” theory of flower arranging, but that’s mostly just because we’re cheap. Or, as we like to say, “on a budget.” Boner Cunningham has never once paid for flowers for anyone in his life. Why should he, when you can always find some growing in someone’s yard somewhere?

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