ZIP BAKER Fans clamor to see the Eagles’ coveted new tight end

Player personnel assistant Weeb Tittle discussed the choice with reporters. “We’ve always liked her here, we just think she’s a fabulous talent. We especially liked her roles in the movies Office Space and Rock Star, where she really held her own going up against the dynamic Mark Wahlberg.”

Tittle went on to give a few clues as to the reasoning behind the controversial choice. “First of all, we looked at lots of film. Hours and hours of film. Of all the Friends, we thought she was far and away the most macho, the one that exhibited the most pure testosterone. The guys on that show must all be on estrogen treatments or something. I mean, take David Schwimmer, for instance. That guy is just a whiny wienie, a total wuss. Can you imagine asking him to blitz? He’d probably start crying. Matthew Perry, sheesh, that guy does more coke than the president. We don’t need that on this team, we’ve had our share of cokeheads here in the past. And Matt LeBlanc... did you see that movie he made with the chimpanzee? He made that chimp look like a rocket scientist, like that guy, what’s his name, Norman Einstein. No thank you.”

“Lisa Kudrow, now,” Tittle continued, “we gave her some thought, but we were afraid that her sister, the gal that played Ursula the waitress on Mad About You might want to be included in some kind of a package deal, and we didn’t want that. And Courteney Cox-Arquette got some serious consideration, because we think she could probably kick some major ass, but do you know how difficult it would be to get ‘Cox-Arquette’ across the back of a jersey? Besides, no one can stand David Arquette, her husband. Have you seen that guy? He’s almost as annoying as Carrot Top.”

Asked what position they envisioned the rather-small-by-NFL-standards Aniston playing, Tittle mused, “Well, the offensive coordinator thinks she’s a natural Tight End, and I tend to agree with him on that. But we both want to see what she can do with the pump fake, and how she handles play action. And our Quarterback, Donovan McNabb, would love to see her line up at center, but not if we’re going to use the Shotgun formation. We also think she might be good at covering receivers, and we’re all anxious to see her go up the middle. Of course it goes without saying that most of the guys are excited about getting a few one-on-one drills with her, and seeing her take that post-game shower, too.”

“All in all,” he concluded, “we think she’ll be a big draw here, and will help put people in the stands. And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? I mean that and winning games.”

Tittle dismissed as simply a “publicity ploy” and “copycatting” the subsequent sixth-round drafting of actress Jane Leeves, who portrays Daphne Moon on NBC’s long-running series Frasier, by the Seattle Seahawks. “What’s up with that?” Tittle wondered, his voice filled with scorn. “I mean, she’s British, isn’t she? Football to her means soccer. Those guys don’t have a clue. I used to respect Coach Holmgren and his organization out there, but a move like that, well, that’s just silly.”

Football to the commune means a Fall Sunday spending 14 hours on the couch with all the chips and beer we can afford, burning up the batteries in the remote trying to catch every play in every game on every channel the satellite offers. Bludney Plud wishes that someone would explain the meaning of betting the “over-under”to him.

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