December, 1998
The holiday season is upon us and the media-related choices we now face in our everyday
lives are near crippling! Where can we turn for solid, reliable information on and
reviews of big-name movies, books, video games and sex toys? Well, we all know what
happened two months ago with this column so you'd best look somewhere else for your
sex toys, but as for the rest of it, I'm here for you! No more renting that
brightly-colored video only to find out it has -yecch- subtitles! No more buying that
glossy-covered book to find out it contains nothing but pictures of Madonna and oiled
alpacas! I'll give you the straight skinny with none of that Hollywood double-talk you
get with Cisco and Eberhardt or that Joel Spiegel guy. What's up with those
"thumbs up", anyway? As if I'm going to trust movie reviews coming from a couple of
hitchhiking gigolos! It's time to cut to the chaser, America!
Video:
SpiceWorld
Kevin Costner's latest attempt to cash in on the whole "spices from the orient" fad, this
weak follow-up to WaterWorld follows the life of Pete, a half-man, half-spice-weevil
mutant as he navigates an oregano-tinged post-apocalyptic wasteland and plays a game of
pepper with Chili Davis during the highly predictable closing musical number. Wait for
it on video.
The Parent Trap
Yet another shameless "tragedy of the month" cash-in, this time starring Macauley Caulkin
and Johnathan Taylor Thomas as the Menendez brothers plotting their zany caper to up
their weekly allowance. Cheech Marin is memorable in a minor role as the bumbling
gardener who can never seem to warn the parents in time because of his loose bowels, but
all in all this is another of Disney's failed attempts to capture that critical 11 to
13 yr old audience.
Video Games:
The Legend of Zelda: Orinthal of Time
Revered author F. Scott Fitzgerald comes screaming out of the "where-are-they-now" file
with this pot-boiler of a video game adventure centered around rescuing his psychotic
wife from the clutches of O.J. Simpson. Topical and poignant, with plenty of
turtle-kicking fun for the whole family.
Delta Force
I suppose it could be useful for training new stewardess recruits, but I found it more
boring than an in-flight movie until you get to the level where the fuse for the
seatbelt light burns out and the whole roof of the plane tears off mid-flight. Then
it's a frolicking ride to the bottom of the Pacific, with plenty of spills and thrills.
Especially spills.
Movies:
Very Bad Things
A few years late and a few rock stars short, this "The People Vs Larry Flynt" look-alike
chronicles the grody life of porn magnate Larry Flynt, including a JFK-like segment
that seems to suggest Flynt was shot by coco the talking chimp while in the employ of
the CIA. Some mysteries may never be solved, but without the tension of seeing Courtney
Love play a woman who didn't kill her husband, this is one biography pic that comes up
short.
Rugrats
That Stephen King is one sick motherfucker.
Enemy of the State
Jim Varney is back in form at last as Ernest P Warrell, a junior college drop-out who
insists on attending the State University's football games with a toilet on his head.
When did they forget to write comedies like this? This is an open challenge to the
Hollywood big-wigs: Back to Basics, ya Morons! Let Ernest show you how it's done.
Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist
Free Virus Baggies
Take a Kitten, Please
the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
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December 1998
Very Bad Things, Rugrats, Enemy of the State, SpiceWorld, The Parent Trap, Legend
of Zelda: Orinthal of Time