Jesus Wants to Keep Birthday Small This Year
Son of God doesn't want to make a big thing out of it 
BY IVAN NACUTCHACOKOV Whereabouts Unknown

LITTLE BILLY CUNDIFF for the commune Artistic representation of last year's heavenly bash

Savior of millions Jesus Christ told friends and loved ones this year he would rather keep his birthday low-key rather than make a big deal out of it.

“I mean, I’m not embarrassed about turning 2031 or anything this year. Nothing like that,” stated our Lord, “but you know, I’m just not in the mood to have everybody get together for this huge thing. I just want to celebrate in a small way, you know? A small dinner or something.”

Some report Jesus has been feeling a little Christmas depression, as bills mount and all the stress of visiting relatives and millions of friends asking favors adds up. Jesus initially wanted to spend his birthday in the Bahamas, but the trip fell through as God laid a guilt trip on him about spending time with His only son.

“Of course I want to spend time with my dad,” said Jesus, “it’s just that I thought I could do something a little crazy and out there for my birthday this year. Just hang with some friends on the beach, go wild, turn the whole ocean into wine if I wanted. Now I got this thing with dad hanging over me. Like I needed that.”

All in all, stated Christ, it hasn’t been a bad year for him.

“Yeah, I was outraged about the terrorism and such, but I have to admit a small part of me was like, ‘Whew! Glad they’re not using my name at all.’ I’m still waiting for some anti-abortion nutjob to start blowing up places or killing people. It’s like, “Thanks, really, but all you needed to get me was a K-Mart sweater or something, jerk.’”

When asked if he planned on returning any time soon for Judgment Day, Jesus rolled his eyes and shook his head furiously.

“That’s the last thing I need to worry about at this point. I’ve had enough pains in the ass lately without worrying about that craziness toward the end of the year. Don’t be in such a rush. When it happens, it happens. I just hope I get a little time off before then.”

At press time, though Jesus was unaware, friend Judas was organizing a small get-together at Chi-Chi’s with many of Jesus friends, where they would all enjoy a supper.

the commune news always forgets to check diagonally to see if they’ve connected four. Ivan Nacutchacokov can’t be trusted until we know for sure he’s not been killed and cloned by that alien pod.