Paltrow a Hollywood Pariah After Weight-Gain Roller Coaster of Shallow Hal Hollywood stands behind strict "No Fatties" policy BYRAMROD HURLEY Hollywood, CA
RAMROD HURLEY for the commune
Actress Paltrow, pudgy and proud
Hidden away in the dark corners of her ranch-style Hollywood home, where thick
oaken blinds strain the noontime sunlight to a dull trickle, former A-list actress
Gwyneth Paltrow stares out over the rim of a vodka-and-tonic.
"I don't know what's going on," sighs Paltrow in barely a whisper. "It's like
I've got the clap or something. Nobody calls, the doorbell doesn't ring... I
haven't heard from my agent in weeks."
Such is the fate of a once in-demand star who dared to play the fat girl.
"Honestly, I'm surprised nobody has tried to hollow out her chest to hole up
for the winter. My God. I mean, what was she thinking?" gossiped Hollywood
producer Mart Wixle.
Paltrow's star seemed to be unstoppably on the rise until her fatal miscue of
accepting a role in the Farrelly brothers' recent Shallow Hal, in which
Paltrow plays a morbidly obese North Carolina woman. During the film's
production, rumors began to surface about Paltrow's out-of-control weight
fluctuations, with various sources placing her anywhere between 110 and 350
pounds on any given day.
"It was insane," stated former co-star Ben Affleck. "One day I'd see her and
she'd be the same old Gwyneth, and then the next she looked like she ate a
boyscout troup. It was kind of creepy. You think she got into Metabolife or
something?"
"Do you think it's that rumor that I'm really a dude?" asked Paltrow during a
recent interview. "That went around for a while after I did Shakespeare in
Love but I thought it had died down. You never can be too sure with the
internet, though. My sister seems to think it's about Shallow Hal but that
doesn't make any sense. Everybody knows that was just a fat suit, right?"
"Yeah, we've all heard the fat suit line," quipped Wixle. "That one's older
than Bob Hope. Eleanor Roosevelt tried to pull that once, and it was old even
back then. A Hydrox cookie suit is more like it, heh."
Few are showing sympathy for Paltrow, who many claim should have taken a hint
from the overwhelming public disgust shown when actress Renee Zellweger
ballooned up to a corpulent 120 lbs for her role in the limey farce Bridget
Jones' Diary. Starlet Julia Roberts also took a public-relations tumble when she
was shown eating an entire cracker in the summer comedy America's Sweethearts.
"I mean, get with the program," continued Wixle. "Nobody goes to the movies to
see fat people. Walmart's closer and they don't charge admission. People don't
want to be confronted with the tubby realities of everyday life when they go to
the theater. Did you see Renee in Bridget Jones? Good God, I thought she was
going to reach through the screen and eat my popcorn. Somebody get me a lipo
tube and a bone saw, we'd better take out some ribs. She must have force-fed
herself three meals a day to bulk up like that. Talk about sick."
Paltrow's upcoming film deals appear to be in limbo as no one in Hollywood
seems to be willing to share a phone line with her, thanks to rumors around
town that fat might be contagious. Her fax machine is still ringing off the
hook, however all recent offers have been from talk shows and companies selling
miracle weight-loss herbs. Additionally, Paltrow reports that her gardener
recently discovered a nest of tabloid photographers living in the azaleas in
her front yard. Spraying commences on Wednesday.
the commune's Ramrod Hurley takes 'em as he can get 'em... up to 110lbs. Sorry
ladies, Ramrod doesn't deal in bulk.
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