Osama bin Laden Captured After Rubber Band Connecting Torso to Legs Snaps Long national news-watch finally over BYIVAN NACUTCHACOKOV Washington, DC
RALF MOOK/AP
Osama bin Laden, when he was whole
Finally bringing to an end weeks of guano-infested cave searching by American
marines, along with weeks of slightly anxious channel surfing by the American
public, Osama bin Laden was captured by U.S. forces on Saturday. After months of
successfully dodging U.S. military efforts and covert-ops “snatch and grab”
missions, bin Laden was ultimately done in by a faulty rubber band in his
midsection, which snapped, causing his torso and legs to separate. Escape was
then near impossible for the Saudi militant.
Reports differ as to the reason behind the failure of bin Laden’s rubber band.
American military personnel claim to have witnessed and awesome battle to the
death between bin Laden and anti-terrorist ranger Beachhead, a former Advisor
at the Covert Ops School in Central America. According to eyewitness accounts,
Beachhead found bin Laden’s secret sandbox base, and caught him off guard with
the butt of Sci-Fi’s laser rifle, which he’d been carrying ever since Sci-Fi’s
legs got chewed off by a dog. (Ed. note: Sci-Fi is currently carrying Spirit’s arrowhead
gun, since Spirit never came back from a sleep-over and Joey Dombrowsi’s house
and nobody really understands how that gun is supposed to work anyway.) After
stunning the terrorist mastermind, Beachhead reportedly scissorlocked bin Laden’s head and
flipped him over onto a rock, the resultant stress snapping bin Laden’s rubber
band and reducing him to a separate torso, pair of legs attached by a little
hook, and a free-floating crotch segment. Some eyewitnesses claim that a
Beachhead pile driver was actually the culprit, but these reports are in the
minority.
Taliban supporters have taken great issue with the U.S. reports,
however, and are unified in their claims that bin Laden’s rubber band snappage
was the direct result of “the weight of the monstrously awe-inspiring Arab
donger that Allah saw fit to bestow on him as a reward for his courage in facing
the infidels.” Preliminary coroner’s reports have made no mention of such a
donger, though part of bin Laden’s free-floating crotch segment is said to have
resembled a moderately-sized donger, according to some witnesses.
Yet another opinion is held by the American Red Cross, who’s workers have gone on
record saying that this tragedy could have been averted with proper rest, a
little oil and far less sandbox duty for bin Laden himself.
Regardless of the cause, U.N. medical personnel are working around the clock to
reattach bin Laden’s legs, and may have to resort to an elasticy hair thingy or twist-tie if
an appropriate replacement band cannot be found in time. A panel of impartial
Arab doctors are overseeing the operation as well, to make sure that bin Laden’s
crotch segment is not mistakenly left out of the reconstruction process.
In a speech carried live by all major networks Sunday afternoon, President Bush
called development a major victory in the war against terrorism, and added a
personal message for Cobra Commander himself:
“We know you’re out there, you lisping freak of nature. The American people will
stand for your aggression no longer. You may have brainwashed Stormshadow, but
now we have one of yours as well. You can only hide behind that weird bald guy
for so long. We’re going to kick you in the ass so hard you poop kidneys. You
heard me. Give up now and we’ll see about digging up some magic spores to turn
you back into a dude, or if that fails, we’ll get you into the reptile house of
a nice zoo. If I have to fly out there and pull that tea cozy off your head
myself the deal won’t be nearly as sweet, I guarantee you. Sleep tight on your
heating rock, jerkballs.”
the commune's Ivan Nacutchacokov wants everyone to know that in the spirit of
American unity, he is donating a sizeable portion of his income this month to
the Red Crotch. No one here is quite sure if he meant to say the Red Cross, or
if he's just been spending a lot of money at a Russian porno wholesaler lately.
Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist
Free Virus Baggies
Take a Kitten, Please
the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
FAQ Shwartz |
Site Map's Somewhere in the Glovebox |
Search In Vain |
Contract Ick
Privacy Police |
Terms of Gary Busey |
Reprints & Persimmons |
Press Eject Now