Shooting Turns Comic When Bumbling Teens Shoot Each Other in Hilarious Double-Homicide Hi-Jinks Witnesses: "(It was) just too
damn funny." BYIVAN NAKUTCHACOKOV Mattawusk, ME
JUNIOR BACON for the commune
The teens involved were once breastfed
A high school lunch room in Mattawusk, Maine got downright
goofy Monday when two teen-agers killed each other in an
accidental double-homicide called by witnesses, "Just too
damn funny."
The
two teenagers, Rupert Harvey and D. Johnny Watkins, two seniors
described as "Prime wedgie material" by athletes across
the school, were popular victims of practical jokes and teasing
for being so unpopular. As convoluted as that statement may
sound, one thing was clear--with Harvey and Watkins, sooner or
later, something was going to break. Who knew it would be our
funny bones?
"They
came in and Watkins told everybody, 'Get down!'" said senior
and witness Glenda Berman. "At which point Harvey just
started to dance, doing the Running Man and then
Cabbage-patching. It was so fucking funny I nearly choked. Then
Watkins smacked him with his sailor hat."
Watkins,
apparently the smarter of the duo, then told everybody they would
die for their cruelty, at which point Watkins tried to fire the
gun but the safety was on. He looked down the barrel, according
to junior Darryl Hardin, who said he could barely contain his
laughter since he could guess what would happen next.
"Sure
enough," Hardin said, "Watkins blew his own damn head
off. That shit was hilarious, I was howling for minutes. It was
like Looney Tunes or something. I halfway expected the gun to say
'Acme' on it."
It
was at that point, witnesses said, Harvey began to fire his
machine gun in fear. The repeating weapon, aimed at the ground,
was powerful enough to levitate him feet off the floor as he
tried in vain to control it, much to the bemusement of the
onlooking not-quite-terrified student body.
"Eventually,
Harvey just shot himself in the foot," Principal Don Stewart
said. "He was howling and bouncing up and down when--"
Stewart took several minutes to keep from crying as he laughed
even harder. "He shot Watkins again, in the balls, and
Watkins, with his dying breath, tightened his grip on the trigger
finger and blew Harvey's head off."
No
longer able to restrain his tears, Stewart wept openly. "It
was so fucking funny I shit my pants! I swear."
School
shootings have steadily been on the increase since 1990, but this
was by far the most hilarious incident reported. Hollywood has
taken notice as well, already planning a wacky sitcom tentatively
titled "Shoot the Mooks" and famed teen scribe John
Hughes has reportedly been asking how old Anthony Michael Hall is
now, since he would "make a perfect Watkins."
the commune News would like to know if you're going to finish that, dude?
Ivan Nakutchacokov can be split open and several smaller
versions are found within, leading to his office nickname,
"Matruschka."
Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist
Free Virus Baggies
Take a Kitten, Please
the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
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