Curse of DiCaprio Spreads Through Hollywood
Young actresses at risk BYIVAN NACUTCHACOKOV Hollywood, CA
PAM STELITE/AP
Leonardo DiCaprio may be exuding
With the Tuesday release of actress Claire Danes’ book, My So-Called Sex Life a new
wave of attention has been focused on the damage young actor and possible space
creature Leonardo DiCaprio is doing to the lives of Hollywood’s young actresses. When
this reporter spoke recently with Danes, she was in a near-catatonic state.
“I just want everybody to know that Leo and I didn’t DO anything on the set of
Romeo and Juliet. We were just in the same movie together. Hell, most of our scenes
were filmed separately, it was all camera tricks that made it seem like we were in bed
together, I swear! Somebody, please sleep with me!” said Danes, bursting into tears.
This pitiful scene is being repeated all across Tinseltown as young actresses who’ve
shared the screen with DiCaprio find that men now fear to touch them. Some even cross
the street to avoid them, sometimes against swift traffic. This reaction seems to be
genetically ingrained in the male sex, an unspoken knowledge that something is not quite
right with the young actor, and that even the slightest contact with him leaves a woman
strictly undateable. This Curse has extended even to girls who sat in the same classroom
with DiCaprio in grade school and singer Alanis Morissette, who once stated in an
interview that her astrological sign was Leo.
Most women seem to be strangely immune to DiCaprio’s nauseating effects. Some even
claim to find him attractive, a tendency that baffles psychologists and medical doctors
alike.
“It is my professional opinion that DiCaprio exudes toxic pheromones from tiny ducts
behind his ears,” noted neurologist P. William Clydesdale commented on the phenomenon. “These pheromones act to confuse the female’s neurological systems,
resulting in a dizzy sense of confusion and impaired reasoning. As to why these
pheromones do not effect the males of the species, my educated guess is that the average
male's desire to pop DiCaprio's head like a blister results in increased levels of
endorphins in the blood stream, which counteracts the pheromones.”
An accurate assessment of how many young careers have been ruined by the Curse of
DiCaprio cannot be made, since County health officials have been unable to find any
male subjects who can name any films other than Titanic in which DiCaprio has appeared.
DiCaprio's co-star in Titanic, actress Kate Winslet, was very direct when asked how
the Curse has effected her career: “No talk. Eat now.”
There is a bright hope on the horizon, however. Recent reports have indicated that
actress Chloe Svengali is the first documented female to be immune to DiCaprio’s
insidious pheromones. She has vowed publicly to track down all actresses in upcoming
DiCaprio projects, in an effort to warn them before they make any terrible mistakes.
the commune news would like to thank Henry Ford for setting the
global-warming ball in motion, members of the commune Winter
Volleyball League send their regards. Ivan Nakutchacokov was
recently hired away from The Apathetic Gazette, and
doesn’t look the least bit Russian to any of us.
Milestones
the commune's scratch ‘n sniff look at last year’s office potluck
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the commune’s Bear in Rearview
the commune’s Big Book of Duke
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the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
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