Local Crackpot Lobbies For Unisex Restrooms
Dozens entertained for minutes BYTED TED New Orleans, LA
SHAKIE STAIRS for the commune
Abenheimer Sludd galvanizes passersby
Vowing to take his crusade all the way to the Michigan Militia if necessary, local
crackpot Abenheimer Sludd announced his plans today for a countrywide switch to unisex
restrooms in all public buildings. Lavatory reformers from all points along the
political spectrum were galvanized by Sludd’s proposal, and his lighted trousers
which flashed in sequence, apparently powered by a large car battery strapped to his
hip.
“The time has come for America to lead the Europeans out of the dark ages of puritanical
shithouse politics,” said Sludd, wiping his brow with a rubber snake.
“In an age where
your neighbor in the next stall over could be...” Sludd paused as a crow
worked its way out of his coat pocket and flew away. “Anyone from Maryann
Manson to Hillary Rodman Clinton, it’s time to let arbitrary distinctions such as ‘sex’
fall by the wayside. The uncounted abundance of different sexual orientations making
themselves known in society today, in addition to the unprecedented fashion sense of
our young people, makes it nearly impossible for restroom segregation to fulfill its
intended purpose!”
Sludd grabbed his leg like a machine gun and farted before continuing.
“In the days of
our four fathers, one could be reasonably sure that the gent standing at the next
urinal over wasn’t contemplating asking you out on a date while casting a sly glance
at your Ben Johnson. Or that the ‘lass’ in the next stall down wouldn’t mosey on in
and take a drippey-doo standing up! We live in some baffling times, and it’s time to
acknowledge this in the area by which any civilization is judged, its water closets.
It’s time to tell the world that America knows what’s up! Therefore I propose simple,
unisex restrooms uniformly placed across the land. Restroom construction, which
hampered America’s growth in the last fiscal year and caused much of the deficit, will
be cut in half.
“Now I’m no restroom architect, not by far. Or at least the state licensing board
doesn’t think so. But I don’t see how we could go wrong with a classic restroom design
consisting of a simple round trough in the middle of the room, where everybody can just
get it all out in the open and say ‘This is who I am! Live with it!’ I’d even
go so far as to say this might solve some of our greater social ills, you never can
tell. Vote Gypsy!” Sludd shouted as a finale, before climbing onto a tricycle with an
enormous front wheel and very slowly and unsteadily riding away.
Ted Ted lives in the cabinet where we keep the xerox paper and will do most anything for a Wheat Thin.
Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist
Free Virus Baggies
Take a Kitten, Please
the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
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Groundhobo’s Day
Reports from the field indicate that local hobo “Pukeshitonme” Phil has seen
his own vomit, guaranteeing another six weeks of discount liquor sales.
Clinton Strikes Back
The 45-minute speech consisted mainly of a long riff on comedian Jeff Foxworthy’s
popular “You Might Be a Redneck...” comedy routine, skewed to address Clinton’s Republican
detractors.