Hundreds Potentially Killed by Theoretical Bombing
“Possible peace” accords marred by virtual terrorist
JUNIOR BACON
The site where pretend peace was shattered by a phony bomb, henceforth dubbed “hypothetical ground zero.”
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An unconfirmed number of individuals were hypothetically killed while many more, in theory, were wounded by a speculative terrorist attending Geneva accords Friday. The accords were held to design a potential peace plan to settle disputes between Israel and Palestine, though no representatives of either side attended the purely masturbatory debate.
According to the abstract bomber, who unofficially represented the terrorist group Hamas, his pretend bombs were smuggled into the event under his real jacket, and were not detected by authentic security guards using actual equipment. Amidst a question-and-answer session during the questionably-viable peace accords, the alleged imaginary terrorist, who described himself as Carl Al-Viddig but says he was supposedly impossible to identify from hypothetical dental records, stood up and announced he had set off a potential bomb.
“Everyone at the podium and those representing both sides, as well as everyone in a one-thousand-foot radius of myself has been blown to bits, in my mind,” announced Al-Viddig.
The pretend peace talks came to an abrupt halt, and security instituted an immediate make-believe lockdown to prevent further attacks or imagined panic.
“This is a nightmare, not only for those of us who have been virtually killed, but all unofficial peacemakers out there,” claimed former Palestinian official Yasser Abed Rabbo, one of the architects of the unofficial peace initiative. He could have been dead at 67.
The accords, held to debate the finer points of a potential peace solution to the age-old Israeli-Palestine conflict, and vehemently denounced by both actual governments involved in the dispute, was largely finished when they were practically ended in simulated catastrophe.
commune columnist Omar Bricks, acting as a bogus President Bush of the United States of Fantasy America, expressed deep regrets.
“This has been most uncool, and a tragedy we won’t soon believe,” said the stand-in leader of the free world. “Peace would have been kick-ass, I shit you not. Like my teachers used to tell me, it’s a shame one fuck-up has to ruin it for everyone else.” The acting Bush then fell to his knees and screamed they did it, they finally did it, damn them all to hell.
Not everyone was so quick to accept the fake peace process’s defeat. Particularly, representatives of Geneva security lodged an official protest with the event holders and claimed there is no way Al-Viddig could have smuggled hypothetical weapons into the conference.
“He’s always doing this, the fink,” alleged Geneva Head of Security Stalton Humbladt. “Last year, when we had the speculative non-violent solution to the Iraq situation, he came in here carrying thirty pounds of imaginary plutonium, and we caught him. We locked him up in a holding cell and he then said he used a tiny microscopic laser hidden in his teeth, in theory, to cut through the bars and carry out his attack. We were like, ‘Give it up, you’re full of shit, Carl. Just accept defeat.’”
The peace accord architects, Rabbo and Israel’s Yossie Beilin, agreed to hear both sides argue the issue and then decide whether or not the case could go on to a kangaroo court.
the commune news has visualized a better future, where our news is the fastest, most reliable, and most profitable news source ever, but in the scenario none of us were working here, so we dropped it quick. Raoul Dunkin loves pumpkin.
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