NRA Wages Court Battle Against Reality
Mythical transformation to boost “silly” influence to “berserk”
SLOE LORENZO
NRA mouthpiece Wayne LaPierre shares his hilarious impression of a deer caught in an NRA member’s sights
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Apparently feeling that the current national climate is as ripe a time as any for a complete break from any recognizable form of reality, the National Rifle Association is attempting to buy a television or radio station this week, in hopes of declaring itself a news organization exempt from spending restrictions in the campaign finance law.
“We’re looking at bringing a court case that we’re as legitimate a media outlet as Disney or Viacom or Time-Warner or any of those places,” explained Wayne LaPierre, the NRA’s own version of commune whale tampon Raoul Dunkin. An uncomfortable silence followed after this reporter stopped laughing.
According to LaPierre, the NRA is one of the biggest magazine publishers in the United States, with an impressive stable of nearly a dozen publications, including “American Rifleman,” “Patriotic American Hunter,” “Gun Nut,” and “Buck-Naked Beer-Swilling Bitches.”
Since the NRA has such extensive experience bringing news to the mullet-wearing portion of America’s magazine-buying public, LaPierre argues that the NRA should enjoy the same political benefits enjoyed by organizations with less-embarrassing member ranks.
“I defy you to convince me that the NRA is any different from those organizations, just because they actually have news departments and wear pants around the office,” said LaPierre, himself clad in pajama bottoms adorned with a machine-gun pattern. “We’re just as legitimate a news source as any of them are, even more so when you consider the way they ignore the obvious gun angle in everyday stories.” LaPierre further argued that paranoid gun freaks have as much a right as anyone to be represented in the media, but this reporter can’t be sure of the exact quote as my notes just contain a doodle of a cow shitting on a scale for this part of the story.
The NRA’s latest moves can be seen as a sign of the times, as there have been few periods in history when a lobbying group would so boldly admit to circumventing campaign reform legislation in hopes of buying influence in next year’s elections.
Historically one of Washington’s most powerful and twitchy lobbies, the 4 million-member NRA has spent millions over the years supporting pro-gun candidates. Since the organization is financed with corporate money, under the campaign finance law of 2002 it is currently banned from running ads mentioning candidates by name during the two months preceding a general election. News organizations are exempt from such restrictions, allowing them to cover the news and follow elections without being accused of shilling for political candidates.
Convinced that the NRA is capable of such impartial and unbiased political coverage, LaPierre promises that the NRA and its lawyers will continue to fight this attack on their “First Amendment rights,” possibly even going so far as to broadcast pro-gun ads from ships anchored in international waters at election time. Another uncomfortable silence followed after this reporter stopped laughing.
the commune news has also brought several of its own lawsuits in an effort to be considered a media organization, but thus far the orderly connotations of the term "organization" have been a difficult sticking point. Ivana Folger-Balzac isn't a card-carrying member of the NRA, but as a gun-carrying card she is often mistaken for the same.
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