Comic Relief Sends 10,000 Tons of Onions to Africa
Comedians bring healing gift of laughter to famished continent
COMIC RELIEF
Comic Relief hosts Billy Crystal, Whoopi Goldberg and Robin Williams are busy planning the organization’s next benefit: Guns for Seniors
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After years of providing fart-powder-drenched meals for the homeless, the humanitarian organization Comic Relief completed its latest drive this month by sending huge quantities of useless onions and garnish to starving families in Africa, in what is believed to be the largest-ever gag gift in the history of charitable donations.
Comic Relief’s gift is thought to be the funniest aid Africa has received since the USA for Africa fundraiser in 1985 collected over $60 million to pay for mayonnaise and other highly-perishable foodstuffs to taunt the hungry of that famine-plagued continent.
“I remember seeing USA for Africa on the news back in 1985 and thinking ‘That’s fucking hilarious! Why didn’t we think of that?’” remembers comedian and Comic Relief host Robin Williams. “They got all these people to call in and pledge money, did the song and everything, and then they spent it all on shit that went bad in like twenty minutes! Then the real stroke of genius is when they put it trucks with bald tires and set them loose all over Africa to get stuck in the mud and capsize, and then the drivers ate most of the food. Too funny! I only hope we’re remembered as well.”
Comic Relief, founded in 1986 by comedian Bob Zmuda as a gut-busting way to help the homeless, sought in its 17th year to make a new splash by taking their “leave ‘em laughing” credo to an international level. Early indications are that this giving spirit is spreading, as Comedy Central has already pledged to match Comic Relief’s donations dollar-for-dollar, providing impoverished Africans with ketchup and A-1 sauce to go with their hilariously inedible feast of onions and garnish.
“At first we were thinking of sending them some really nasty food, like liver or something, but then we realized that would just be mean,” explained comedian and Comic Relief regular Billy Crystal, whose humanitarian work has been funnier than his movies for years. “They could actually eat that crap, and that wouldn’t be funny, just sad. I mean, how would you like it if you were starving to death and some wiseass acts like he’s being all generous, then gives you something gross your mom used to make you eat? Blech.”
“It was way funnier to just give them a shitload of onions, because what are they going to do with those? They’re pretty good for seasoning other food, but what other food?” Crystal chuckled, shrugging his shoulders in a “Who knows?” gesture. “You should have seen those guys when the trucks pulled up and all those onions came tumbling out the back! They kept waiting expectantly as each new truck pulled up, thinking one of them had to be the steak or French fries truck, but then each one would open up and it was ‘Nope! More onions!’ Ha ha. Ah… well, maybe you had to be there.”
The presidents of Ethiopia, Zimbabwe and Nigeria issued a public thank you to Comic Relief last Thursday, praising the group for their giving hearts and strong sense of starvation-themed humor. The statement was followed by an expectant pause, as if the African leaders were each expecting Comic Relief to recognize their ability to appreciate a good joke and in turn reveal where the actual food was. All three were still waiting on stage when the Comic Relief representative in attendace sounded off an electric fart box, then in the ensuing commotion ducked out a back fire escape, leaving the building.
the commune news knows what its like to be hungry, which is why we keep starving people out of our staff pantry, since we’ve learned the hard way that you can’t trust a dying man around your Cheetos. Ivan Nacutchacokov has been sensitive to the plight of the hungry ever since his exposure to the game Hungry Hungry Hippos as a child, and as a result he always carries giant gumballs with him whenever he’s on safari.
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