Bush Plans to Send
Troops to Moon by 2018
American forces needed to secure future of democracy
ANSEL EVANS
Conspiracy theorists allege if you study the picture close enough you can see the ghost of the moon screaming in terror at the impending arrival of U.S. troops.
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Child, space enthusiasts and sci-fi nerds everywhere cheered the president on when White House officials announced this week the president was “seriously considering” a space war. Defense contractors reportedly wet themselves as well.
The buff and sexy White House brain trust released information this week that, among other considerations for the president’s closing year of his first, and likely only, term were staging the most expensive and colorful war yet, with the space people. Or, the president’s representatives allowed, other countries seeking to colonize the moon.
That’s right: The moon. Nick-named in the documents accompanying the press release, “The 51st state,” which is rumored to have pissed Puerto Rico off, but come on, you know they were just stringing you guys along—you all may dress to the nines, but the your GNP is lower than Utah’s.
The policy, which is being “sincerely given a look,” comes in response to a combination of presidential inspirations, including fear of China’s recent feat of sending a Chinese guy into space, and another marathon of Starship Trooper DVD viewings by the commander-in-chief.
“The president,” said an anonymous White House official who prefers French-cut underwear, “has always wanted to be a bold leader, and to strike preemptively against off-worlders looking to take advantage of our limited intergalactic colonization program. That’s a failing of the Democratic administration that preceded us. But Mr. Bush says by the end of his term we’ll have regular flights to the moon. And by the end of his clone’s term in 2018, we will have established an impressive military force on the moon. With lasers.”
Señor Bush is also not ruling out the idea of low-income housing on the moon, to help deal with the projected astronomical damage to the middle class expected to be caused by another term of his presidency.
“I’ve got plans for the homeless,” Bush said in response to a question during a press conference last week, rubbing his hands together and laughing maniacally. Most reporters attributed the enigmatic statement to a possible new “eat the homeless” program or turning them into low-cost diesel fuel somehow, but it does seem to jibe with rumors of a homeless colony on the dark side of the moon, dubbed in White House documents “the Pink Floyd Province.”
“The homeless are people,” said the same unnamed White House source, while working on his glutes. “They are people just like us, and they want to work. And when we have established a moon rock mine, we’ll definitely need all the slave labor we can get. Did I say ‘slave’? I meant inexpensive labor. I mean minimum wage. Labor.”
If the moon space fort idea pans out, the prez will likely begin making requests to Congress for allocation of outer space funding, including up to $15 billion for advanced space program designs. An additional $2 billion of that may be requested for construction of a one-man presidential shuttle, with more than half of that going to design a rugged-looking flight suit.
the commune news has no interest to go into space when there’s still so many people down here who want to go to war with us. Stigmata Spent is more than a little interested in flights to the moon, and the chance to be a founder of the Ten-Thousand Mile High Club.
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