Tom Cruise’s Shit Don’t Stink
American actor must be some kind of heavenly gift to earth
SLOE LORENZO
Pleasant-smelling possible gift to humanity Tom Cruise, seen here being admired from afar
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According to a troubling new study published today, Canadian scientists have found the shit of American actor Tom Cruise to be totally lacking in the offensive odor usually associated with common man-scat. The discovery raises a host of disturbing questions, not the least of which is what Canadian scientists were doing smelling Cruise’s shit in the first place.
“We’ve long suspected Mr. Cruise might have descended from a higher odor of stenchless man, and these findings have merely confirmed the innate superiority we’ve long gathered from Tom’s demeanor and public statements,” explained Dr. Remus Rooney of the Manitoba Center for Deep Thinking. The center, housed in a building once famously occupied by vice pioneer Brooks McNally’s “assembly-line” brothel during WWII, is known around the world for investigating questions of general scientific interest such as what those letters on zipper tabs mean and why some people insist on calling it “double-yew double-yew eye eye.”
“When Tom looks at you, you can just tell his shit doesn’t stink,” added Rooney. “And now we have the research to back it up.”
But how did this unusual study come about?
“Tom contacted us, actually,” elaborated Dr. Rooney. “He was concerned that the cigar boxes of shit he was mailing to a local rival might not be having the intended effect, and sure enough it turns out the guy was using the stuff to insulate his house.”
Rooney is careful to point out that Cruise’s fecal matter is not odorless, which would just be creepy, but rather carries the robust odor of roasted almonds, a scent most who come in contact with the shit find pleasing. Through a series of tests at the Manitoba Center, Cruise’s diet, lifestyle and religious practices are being examined as scientists attempt to probe the inner workings of the sweet-smelling actor.
“I hear he eats nothing but honeydew melons and bee larvae,” insisted local roughneck Denny Lopez. “No shit. Or whatever they make that bee jelly out of. That shit’s expensive. Damn but I’d like to get me some. My shit stink like death, yo.”
“The defining characteristic of shit is that it stinks,” explained leading fecalogist Roger Burns. “Which is what makes this case so unusual. If it doesn’t stink, is it still shit? Or is Mr. Cruise instead shitting out something else? And if this is the case, is he still shitting it out, or do we need to come up with another verb for defecating a substance through one’s anus? This is truly a heady day for science.”
“Just a sec, I gotta take a shit,” added Burns, excusing himself.
“Why don’t you leave one instead?” countered Dr. Rooney, in jest. Both doctors chuckled heartily.
“That one never gets old,” admitted Burns.
the commune news’ shit doth indeed stink, so much so in fact to warrant a recent local news report. Ramon Nootles is rarely singled out as the culprit in this matter, but only because of the overwhelming in-office opinion that commune columnist and resident alien Boris Utzov and his bizarre Eastern-European diet are to blame.
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