U.N. Pledges Swear Jar Money to Rebuilding Iraq
Profanity penalty fund comes to the rescue of U.S.
ANSEL EVANS
A rare photograph of the swear jar overspill, which should also be allocated toward the rebuilding of Iraq’s infrastructure. Or, perhaps, just a pile of coins our lazy photographer staged.
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Efforts to rebuild Iraq achieved a success Friday when U.N. officials, voiced by Secretary-General Kofi Annan, pledged funding for the reconstruction from the official United Nations “swear jar.”
The swear jar, instituted in the 1960s during initial squabbles between Israel and surrounding Islamic nations, became a staple of public negotiations at the U.N. building in New York. Familiar statements such as, “Please, ambassador—there are ladies present,” or, “Does the Prime Minister kiss his mother with that mouth?” became outlets for relief of tension with the high-strung representatives of many nations.
The legacy of the swear jar since its inception has spawned many rumors with U.N. fans, or “Unies,” as they are called behind their backs. In 1967 the popular story was the swear jar had accumulated $432,000, all of which would be used for a hootenanny-slash-barbecue that summer, until Cold War relations worsened and the jar was put aside for possible war reparations to the eventual winning side. In 1978, after years of U.N. members dipping in for candy bars and vending machine sodas, the swear jar funds were down to $1.3 million, despite accruing an estimated $3.9 million in the time since public discussion of its allocation, and popular sentiment at that time was to use the bounty to build a new recreation room with new pool tables, a 27-inch TV, and a sofa with its upholstry intact. In 1990, during the first Gulf War crisis, the U.N. elected to move the swear jar money to a ceramic Mickey Mouse bank so everyone would be less likely to replenish other funds from swear-earned income.
At Friday’s donor dinner, which is fun to say, U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell addressed attendees from the United Nations and requested approximately $35.8 billion through 2007 or “best offer” for the rebuilding of war torn Iraq, in which we did most of the tearing.
Angry nations and their angrier representatives expressed disinterest in springing for rebuilding out of their own pockets after explicitly making their aversion to the war public. Miniature squabbles resulted in the aftermath, adding an estimated $43 to the swear jar before lunchtime, but U.N. executives managed to chill out the crowd with a copy of Bob Marley’s Legend album.
With the uproar squashed, Secretary General Kofi Annan sparked a quiet hush in the room when he turned to Treasury Secretary Candy and asked, “How much is in the swear jar?” After conferring privately with the secretary, Annan nodded and turned back toward the microphone, pronouncing, “I think we can swing it.”
Most countries found the pledge agreeable, but the allocation of the swear jar funding did have its opponents. French ambassador Henrí Bois-Bois was quick to voice his dissent.
“If the U.S. expects the rest of the Western world to step in and pay to make its repairs when it gives us no voice in preventing a war, we are setting a dangerous precedent by agreeing to do so,” stated the dignitary. “Also, there are many of us who had not given up hope on getting jackets with our names on the back done up. Those are not going to pay for themselves. Does the U.S. propose to pay for those in exchange? This is so unfair.”
The swear jar allocation, if it happens, could be the largest expenditure of U.N. community bank since financing a pizza party to settle the Falkland Islands dispute with money found in the rec room couch cushions.
the commune news originally kept its own swear jars, but when you make bupkiss in revenue and swear like we do, let’s just say it’s not a wise investment. Ramon Nootles is keeping a sex jar, if anyone is interested in contributing—he hasn’t said exactly what it’s for, but swears it’s a good cause.
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