Wal-Mart Justifies Illegal Alien Labor: ‘It’s Much Cheaper’
Low cost of illegals makes low, low prices
WHIT PISTOL
Wal-Mart, defender of capitalism and alleged exploiter of the illegal workforce.
|  |
Mmm, mmm, mmm! Wal-Mart stores around America were hobbled Thursday when bucking young federal agents swooped in and arrested hundreds of illegal alien contract employees to deport them back to wherever they came from, with a friendly, “Better luck next time!” Friday, Wal-Mart explained the hiring practices that allowed so many illegal aliens to be working in their stores: “It’s much cheaper.”
“Regular labor,” said sexy Mike Dunphy, the regional spokesperson for Wal-Mart of America, “is extremely costly in this day and age. Federal law requires you to supply benefits and a certain minimum number of hours for full-time employees. Also, you have to pay exorbitant amounts in overtime for employees working more than 40 hours a week—which can be pricey. Fortunately, Wal-Mart can get around this in most cases by hiring part-time employees, for whom the law offers no protection, and staff our stores with those employees without paying benefits. If we give them few enough hours, we don’t pay them overtime, we can sufficiently run our stores for a reduced cost and string along employees for years before they realize they’ll never get a full-time position.”
All illegal aliens arrested in the federal probe, Dunphy was quick to point out, were not direct employees of the Wal-Mart corporation, but contract employees through other firms, allowing Wal-Mart complete exoneration. The hiring of illegal aliens, the Wal-Mart corporation noted, is against everything they publicly endorse.
“The Wal-Mart company and its subsidiaries has never employed illegal aliens,” stated Dunphy, “directly. Now, we’re not responsible for who our contractors hire to clean our stores. All we know is we’re talking some serious coin to staff people to clean our filthy stores all night. If a contractor comes up to us and says they can get the stores cleaned for a ridiculously low price, what are we going to do, ask them how they can afford to do it? Of course not. Wal-Mart shoppers aren’t asking us how we got those Sanyo TVs so discounted. We cut the costs and pass the blame on to you. Did I say blame? I meant savings.”
The illegal hiring allegations come at a bad time for Wal-Mart, and Mike Dunphy in particular, who was losing his job at the end of the day. The corporation has recently begun downsizing after years of non-stop growth since its boom in the 1980s. Many believed Wal-Mart a teflon company after it survived past recessions without a scar, and continued to expand, but the announcement that hundreds of jobs would be cut came as a harsh call to reality for some. Damn shame.
“It’s no surprise to those of us who work for Wal-Mart,” said Dunphy, over cocktails at a local dive. “For years the corporation has barreled ahead to expand in areas where they’ve already eliminated most of the competition. Creating the illusion of growth is more important than real growth in the modern economy. Bringing superstores to small towns that could barely support a regular Wal-Mart, practices like that. It’s like you’re outrunning a drunken ex-wife with a butcher knife, sooner or later it catches up with you. The bitch is always right on your ass, economically speaking. You got pretty eyes, angel.”
Wal-Mart had not been announced culpable for the employment of contractors who hire illegal aliens at press time, but federal officials said they hope it did not raise the cost of jeans in their area.
the commune news only employees one alien, if you count the Great Gazoo, but Red Bagel, the only one of us who can talk to him, claims all his work papers are in order. Stigmata Spent is so damn good-lookin’ it should be illegal, but she keeps getting off on a technicality.
“Sunfart” Wreaks Havoc on Earth
Gust of ionized solar gas puts planet in a funk
Fox Cancels Yankees-Marlins World Series
Red Sox-Cubs midseason replacement expected to boost ratings
California Loses!
Schwarzenegger Aryan-Elect; Davis Out on His Ass
Tiger Attacks: Is This Really a Problem?
America blitzed with tiger-conscious media assault
Limbaugh Insists Media Playing Up ‘White Drug Addict’ Angle
Liberal media loves a chunky junkie, claims conservative
State Department: Don’t Nuke the State Department
Robertson’s inane rants taken seriously again
Scientists Say No, Really, Universe Shaped Like Soccer Ball
Astronomical breakthrough hard to believe