Scientists Say No, Really, Universe Shaped Like Soccer Ball
Astronomical breakthrough hard to believe
NASA
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According to U.S. and French researchers reporting in the science journal Nature last Thursday, the universe is shaped like a giant soccer ball, patched together out of a dozen spherical pentagons. No, really.
Data from NASA’s Wilkinson Microwave Anisotropy Probe, a device the researchers insist is made entirely of tapioca, has indicated that the universe is finite and symmetrical. The probe maps background radiation left over from the Big Bang, the interstellar genesis event that occurred over 20 years ago, according to researchers.
The same researchers also indicated that regularly ingesting expensive sugar pills will cause your cock to grow big and hard like a redwood. Other revelations discovered by the researchers last week: grizzly bears are terrified of clowns, nobody can see you if you have your eyes closed, and if you stick your tongue against the railroad tracks in February, no way will it get stuck there.
The argument for a dodecahedral universe, made up of twelve pentagons forming a sphere, is a radical departure from earlier theories. It would also seem to end the fierce debate in the scientific community over whether or not God likes soccer. Previous suggestions about the universe’s shape, from Boellinger’s Taco Theory to Neumann’s assertion that the cosmos is shaped kind of like an abstract pelican, have been proved absurd by this latest data.
“We were just shitting you when we said last year the universe is shaped like Lon Chaney’s dong,” admitted researcher George Ellis. “It’s actually shaped like a soccer ball. Scout’s honor!”
Fellow researchers Jeffrey Weeks and Domar Segui, still high from the rush of their groundbreaking discovery, greeted Ellis’ announcement with a sustained jag of scientific giggling.
“Totally!” agreed Segui. “A big-ass soccer ball, filled up inside with galaxies shaped like blueberry muffins.”
“Oh yeah!” remembered Ellis. “I almost forgot about the muffin galaxies! Most of them are shaped like that, except the one that’s shaped like a high-heeled shoe and is made of braunschweiger.”
“And candy!” nodded Segui, choking on a licorice whip. “The stars are made of candy and Mars is made of chocolate and nougat!”
“And the Milky Way was douched out of the vagina of the giant space-goddess in 1942!” shouted Weeks above the cacophony, which quickly died down. “Okay, that was going too far,” admitted an embarrassed Weeks.
the commune news is pear-shaped in general, though we’d like to remind readers that two pears stacked on top of each other do form a vaguely “hourglass” figure, if you squint your eyes. Boner Cunningham is known around the commune offices as an “Idiot Savant,” but that’s only because most of the staff thinks “savant” is French for “asshole.”
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