State Department: Don’t Nuke the State Department
Robertson’s inane rants taken seriously again
JUNIOR BACON
Is it live, or is it Ramon Nootles’ hilarious Pat Robertson Halloween mask? Too close to call
|  |
Televangelist and all-around Christian doorknob Pat Robertson was on the defensive again this week, claiming that his recent quote “We should blow up the State Department” was taken out of context by the media to indicate that he thought we should blow up the State Department.
“Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up like Newt Gingrich wants to do,” Robertson said during a “700 Club” interview with journalist Joel Mowbray.
“I can’t state strongly enough how much I disagree with this idea,” said emphatic department spokesperson Richard Boucher. “I think the very idea is despicable. I feel very strongly about this. No. I vote ‘No’.”
“It’s just a terrible idea,” added spokesperson Ron Lilly. “I mean, good luck getting your hands on a nuke that small.”
“When I suggested previously that we nuke the State Department, many took this to mean I advocate the destruction of the U.S. State Department by way of planting a nuclear device in their Foggy Bottom headquarters,” stated Robertson in his public retraction. “Nothing could be further from the tr—No, wait, that’s right. What is everybody so upset about again?”
While State Department officials are nearly unanimous in their opposition to the plan, the American public thus far seems largely indifferent.
“The State Department? What do they make, license plates?” questioned hairdresser Roger Darland. “Fuck it, nuke ‘em!”
Military experts find Robertson’s plan intriguing, but not without its share of flaws.
“It would be exceedingly difficult to nuke the State Department without causing significant collateral damage to other parts of the government, given their geographical proximity,” observed military strategist and gaming nut Noam Stewart. “Not that I’d be opposed to just nuking that whole circus, mind you.”
Stewart also pointed out that Robertson’s suggestion that “maybe we should cut off all of their dicks and put them in a blender,” would likely be vetoed by the president and any other empathetic penis-havers in higher government.
The State Department, which oversees U.S. foreign policy, has come under fire from conservatives in recent months for coddling authoritarian governments in the Middle East and proving to be too lax in its visa program with Saudi Arabia.
“Robertson’s comments were despicable, and irresponsible,” lisped department spokesman Boucher. “Especially considering the highly-impressionable nature of our president. He doesn’t always know when you’re joking, even if it may seem obvious to us. President Bush is much like a Golden Retriever in that way.”
the commune news thinks we should save those nukes for the Department of Interior Decorating, because Jesus, did you see those drapes? Lil Duncan has had an axe to grind with the State Department for years, ever since coming down with a case of Foggy Bottom so nasty a nuke would have only provoked it.
Scientists Say No, Really, Universe Shaped Like Soccer Ball
Astronomical breakthrough hard to believe
Democrat Debate Provides Bounty of Catchphrases
Slogan lovers clear winner in Thursday’s face-off
Hamas Leader Demands One True Ring
Injured Yassin outlines radical new Mideast peace plan
Schwarzenegger Adds Bust of Reagan to Campaign
Bronze representation of ex-president given prominent position
Dateline NBC Blows Up Bridge to Prove Point
Federal authorities weigh charges in bloody test of homeland security
U.K. Earns Most-Hammered Nation Status
Drunken juggernaut overtakes Sweden, Germany