Limbaugh Insists Media Playing Up ‘White Drug Addict’ Angle
Liberal media loves a chunky junkie, claims conservative
SNAPPER McGEE
Talk show host Limbaugh, addressing allegations at Philadelphia broadcaster’s convention, falls for reporter’s old “who wants free speed?” trick.
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Charming conservative hard-ass Rush Limbaugh is angry with the American media’s harping on his admission of painkiller abuse this week, claiming the focus on his addiction stems from the media’s attempt to promote a white Republican drug addict.
Limbaugh answered accusations from reporters with his trademark, “You know how liberals are…” before launching into his defense. Addressing reporters by telephone from a minimum-security rehab facility, the talk show host and political pundit, irrelevantly 52, claimed the story was exaggerated.
“You know how liberals are. They run the media, of course, we all know this, and there’s nothing they love more than bringing down white people. They were behind such evil as the Clinton presidency, the success of Donovan McNabb, and my leaving ESPN. Though, frankly, those SportsCenter guys were starting to get on my nerves,” announced Rush, following quickly with the proclamation he had lost 5 pounds during the statement alone.
The revelation of illegal substance abuse, or let’s say misappropriation of not-quite-legal pep pills, come at a bad time for Limbaugh, who quit sports network ESPN after statements he made about the unearned success of quarterback Donovan McNabb sparked controversy. The media, the tubby conservative claimed, engineered his exit by blowing his words out of proportion, stupid as they might be, and they were trying to further humiliate him by taking his usage of thousands of Oxycontin and Lorcet pills over the years out of context.
“You know how liberals are,” said the husky speed addict. “Common sense allows us to put things into perspective. These are prescription pills, they’re just not prescribed to me. It’s not like I’m doing blow or shooting heroin into my eyeballs. I’m not some ghetto crackhead. I’m a popular Republican talk show host, and the media loves to see conservative white guys get the book thrown at them for trivial infractions. If I was not famous and just a regular white guy, like a federal judge or CEO of a major multinational, I would just have this reduced to a fine and no one would care. But because I’m outspoken and everyone knows me and I’m always right, the liberal media wants to stick it to me, just to erase stereotypes.”
Limbaugh, a former fat man now in a modestly chunky man’s body, did not find much support with former colleagues at ESPN following the leak of the investigation.
“We are all shocked, it’s as best as we can put it,” said ESPN spokesperson Robert Fulgham. “We hired Rush three weeks ago. Knowing his history of working in talk radio and making light of liberals, democrats, feminists, radicals, and basically all non-white people, we thought him to be a terrific sports analyst and commentator who would make broadcasts more lively. The last thing any of us at ESPN ever expected was this kind of insensitivity. When it comes to a quarterback in the year 2003, color is simply not an issue.”
Fulgham was politely reminded the issue at hand was actually concerning Limbaugh’s use of prescription pills before continuing.
“Oh, yeah,” said Fulgham. “Everybody knew he was a big fat pill popper. Did you think he was exercising to kick that ass into shape? C’mon. He would chew handfuls of hydrocone in between five or six Baby Ruths. He had intravenous coffee intake. It’s not really a secret if you work with the guy. You don’t want to get me started on those SportsCenter guys and what they do around the place.”
the commune news is happy to wish Rush Limbaugh a speedy rehabilitation, and looks forward to the great tell-all book it’ll lead to. Bludney Pludd is some kind of correspondent, and frankly, we thought we had gotten rid of him, but we’re not like pissed or anything to see him still around. Not really pissed or anything.
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