“Sunfart” Wreaks
Havoc on Earth
Gust of ionized solar gas puts planet in a funk
NASA
Incriminating photograpic evidence of the embarrassing breech in solar etiquette
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A powerful stream of energized gas and particles ejected from the sun last Friday may have a lingering effect on satellites and communications devices this week, scientistic men announced this morning. The coronal mass ejection, or “sunfart” as it is popularly known in the scientific community, reached Earth Friday afternoon, immediately making it clear that something was rotten in the state of Denmark.
“Yo I was tryin’ to ring up my girl for a booty call you know?” lamented cell-phone user Tyrell Keck. “But then the sun farted right in my face and my call got dropped and shit! Bam! Can’t believe that. Happens all the time with this shitty prepaid phone I got, but this time I got the sun’s stanky ass to blame. Ain’t right.”
Thousands of cellular customers reported dropped calls, and drug dealers the world over lost important pages as Earth passed through the solar wind stream. Several major television satellites also went on the fritz, with YoungBloodZ’s Damn! video appearing briefly on the History Channel during a segment on Nazi propaganda head Joseph Goebbels.
According to men dressed like scientists, the sun occasionally unleashes powerful salvos of ionized gas that can cause beautiful aurora borealis as well as disrupt power grids and kill canaries if the gasses collide with Earth’s magnetic field. Sunfarts are classified on a scale of 1 to 5 like earthquakes or hurricanes, with a 1 meaning, “Is somebody cooking pork?” and a 5 being strong enough to curl hair and clear out a planet. Friday’s blast ranked a 3, which put it in the “God, Dad!” category.
“Coronal holes, or what we like to call ‘corn holes,’ can leak out strong gusts of solar wind from time to time,” explained lab-coat-wearer Mark Carter. “And if one of those gusts is headed your planet’s way—look out!”
Friday’s sunfart erupted rudely from a cluster of sunspots on the surface of the sun, and was rank like boiled cabbage. This giant dark patch, known as the solanus, had grown to the size of Jupiter in recent days as it slowly migrated across the face of the sun to a position where it faced Earth. Science fans stress that while it’s impossible to determine if the sunfart was aimed intentionally, the evidence doesn’t look good.
“Look, all I’m saying is if a G-type star cut a big old nasty fart on my planet, and then was like ‘Who, me? I’m just the sun!’ I wouldn’t stand for it,” confided Ngu Ryon, not trying to start anything. “I’m just sayin’. Where’s the respect?”
While seldom as ripe as the current solar air biscuit, sunfarts are not a rare occurrence. Airline navigational systems were temporarily knocked out when the sun cut the solar cheese in earth’s direction with eye-watering power in the year 2000. In 1989, one long, wet sunfart knocked out the power grid in Quebec, Canada, though the Canadian government initially blamed the power outage on a stray dog.
Data indicates that earth should exit from the solar wind stream by week’s end, restoring satellite function but possibly damaging sales of the popular “Who Farted?” tee shirts featuring a picture of the sun that began to pop up over the weekend.
the commune news has always adhered to a strict “Whomever smelt it, dealt it!” policy regarding space phenomena, so we think these “scientists” have some explaining to do. Bludney Pludd earned lifelong office ignominy on his first day as a commune reporter when he blamed his vile, desk-rattling gas passage on a nearby mannequin that Omar Bricks had smuggled out of a J.C. Penny’s retail store.
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