November 11, 2002
What’s the haps, America? Like all other entertainophiles out there I was glued to the TV for the Winona Ryder trial. Who could believe they would find her guilty, just because they had her on tape and caught her in a few lies? Let the message go out to all celebrities: If you are no longer on the A-list and try to get away with a misdemeanor crime, YOU WILL PAY.

There, sorry to get so serious on everybody. But now for the fun stuff—movie city, here we come!

In Theaters

8 Miles of M&Ms
If I’ve said it before, that’s one time I said it: I don’t watch documentaries. They’re always the same boring thing, some political message against CEOs of car and shoe companies or some film crew getting lost in the woods looking for a witch. But when a movie’s good, it’s good regardless, and 8 Miles of M&Ms is amazing! Allow me to get the obligatory quote for the commercial ball rolling by saying, “8 Miles of M&Ms is a sure-fire Oscar contender—no, winner! Winner! It does for rap music and M&Ms what E.T. & T. did for phone companies and Reese’s Pieces.” Wow, that kicked ass. I’ll expect my name to be included on the guest list for some of those Hollywood premieres from now on.

The Santa Clause 2
I was not a big fan of the first installment of this franchise, even though I love that Buzz Lightyear in almost anything. But this one is a big improvement. The whole premise of the movie—that Santa Claus spends his other 364 days as a trial lawyer in civil litigation suits—is pretty sketchy, but this one is livened up by a dramatic drinking problem as ol’ Santa Claus proves even though he’s a lawyer he can’t pass a bar. Donner and Blitzen’s intervention is a real tear-jerker, and not to ruin the ending or anything, but it’s all worth watching just to see what that curmudgeony old judge gets in his stocking.

Punch-Drunk Love
Why can’t everyone just leave Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston alone? Sure, she’s a crack addict with a darling voice and he’s a brutal, talentless lump who whips her ass like he’s paid to do it, but I wouldn’t want everybody sticking their nose into my private life if I married a more talented celebrity then started abusing her, driving her into drug abuse. As a film, the melodrama is in full effect, but you have to admit casting Adam Sandler was a brave choice, though I will always prefer Whitney’s version of “The Bodyguard Song” to his.

I Spy
I hope somebody got his ass handed to him for this clunker of a movie. Remember when I said I wish Hollywood would try something daring and different? Well, I take it back, they should stick to formulaic and proven. When they try to do something new it’s always crap like this, a 90-minute version of the famous car trip game. An hour and a half straight of a filmed trip to Wisconsin, and we’re all supposed to have fun pointing out things on the screen and hoping our seat neighbors can guess it from our clues. Bump that! The good news is that the dismal failure of this one has resulted in Hollywood scrapping its planned film version of “The License Plate Game.”

Femme Fatale
You know the Roland McShyster motto, “If it’s French, don’t see it”? I broke that rule of mine when I saw a poster for this one with that sexy Rebecca Romaine-Lettuce on it, and I’m glad I did. What a kick-ass movie! The French didn’t screw this one up, amazingly enough. Sexy Steve Buscemi is a cyber geek whose girlish throw gets him routinely pounded on by a bunch of frat guys, until a magic genie (Rebecca whosits) turns things around. Now Steve can kill whoever gives him any backtalk, and he becomes an inspiring role model for all the geeks around him. I love it when jocks get the tables turned on them and creepy weirdoes end up with superhot model chicks.

That’s a bag of movies, collected and finely crushed into powder by yours truly for your entertainment pleasure. But don’t leave me to have all the fun, America! Get out there and see some movies of your own, or make them, if you have a friend. Just don’t show them to me.

October 28, 2002
Auto Focus, Formula 51, Ghost Ship, Jackass: The Movie, The Truth About Charlie, Waking Up in Reno With Billy Bob Thornton

October 14, 2002
Abandon Katie Holmes, Brown Sugar, My Big Fat Geek Website, The Trainspotter, White Oldtimer

September 30, 2002
Moonlight Miles, Red Dragon, Sweet Homo Alabama, The Tuxedo

September 16, 2002
Ask Roland, The Bang Your Sisters, Barbieshop, Igby Goes Down, Trapped

September 2, 2002
Ask Roland, City by the Sea, fear dot com, Swimfan

August 19, 2002
Adventures of Pluto Nash, One Hour Photo, Serving Sara, Simone, Undisputed

August 5, 2002
Blood Work, Full Frontal, Love and a Ballet, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio of Disguise, Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Diaries, XXX

July 22, 2002
Blue Crush, The Country Bears, Eight Legged Freaks, Halloween: Resuscitation, Signs

Summer Movie Preview Part Two
Austin Powers in Goldmember, The Crocodile Hunter: The Main Course, K-19: The Widowmaker, Like Mike, Men in Black Tubes, Milo & Stitch, Minority Depot, The Powerpuff Girls, Rain of Fire, Road to Perdition, Stuart Little 2

Summer Movie Preview Part One
Bad Company, The Bourne Dentist, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, Enough, Harvard Man, The Importance of Being Ernest, Insomnia, Scooby, Don’t!, Spirit: Stallion of the Cinnamon, The Sumbitch on All Fours, Undercover Brother, Windtalkers