Flight Quarantined in Tokyo Obesity Scare
Overweight passengers mistaken for obese in big fat mix-up
IVAN NACUTCHACOKOV
Nobody thought to get a picture of the plane, but this reporter’s lunch was well-documented, and delicious
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An American Airlines flight from San Jose to Tokyo was quarantined on the tarmac at the Tokyo airport last week when five passengers aboard showed symptoms of being obese.
“I was sitting next to one of them,” claimed passenger Roger Mickle. “And he was going on and on about how he just couldn’t keep the weight off and didn’t want to get his fat ass laughed out of the gym. I’d heard about that kind of shit on the news and thought I should notify a stewardess. I hear it’s some kind of epidemic these days.”
Some observers have called the event an overreaction on the part of a Japanese government fearful of American obesity spreading to their relatively thin nation. Emergency vehicles met the plane on the runway in hopes of containing the threat, but all passengers were later released when it was discovered that the five were merely fat as hell.
“Oh yeah, they were pretty fat,” said Jim Roache, a passenger in first class. “One of them was even fat as fuck. But obese? I leave that for the doctors to decide. I’d hate to call somebody obese and have them go on some kind of cake-eating rampage when it was a misunderstanding and they were just ‘fucking fat’.”
Tokyo officials issued a statement after the incident, explaining Japan’s fear of American-style obesity. Though no conclusive scientific evidence has surfaced to suggest obesity is contagious, many researchers believe the American lifestyle and diet, major precursors for obesity, can be spread through direct exposure.
“These trans-pacific flights have to be watched very carefully,” explained Japan’s Health Minister Chikara Sakaguchi. “If you know what to look for, say the stain from a French fry on a blouse, or the glazed-yet-satiated look in a passenger’s eye, you can spot the warning signs before this epidemic is spread across the ocean.”
Asked if Japan was in danger of an obesity outbreak, US Surgeon General Richard H. Carmona scoffed.
“Japan? Obese? Please. They’re way too in love with fish to really ever weigh in with the big boys. Very few countries really have what it takes, you’d be surprised. There was that scare in Toronto, of course, but it was always just media hype. I’ve been to Toronto, and those baloney-eaters don’t know the first thing about being obese. They wouldn’t know obese if it sat down at their table and ate all the potato salad. Americans, we take them to school about being just disgustingly fat.”
Regardless, Minister Sakaguchi remains cautious.
“We love the Americans, and the many gifts they have bestowed upon our culture. This, however, they can keep. No thank you, so sorry. We honor you, proud Americans, your hearts exploding like Fourth of July fireworks, but people of Japan must eat vegetables sometimes. Is… is in religion. Yes. So thank you, but please keep your big rolls of blubbery fat over there like good neighbor. Sayonara.”
The commune news once caught a nasty bug, but it turned out to be a potato beetle. Ugly bugger though. Ivan Nacutchacokov cuts the tags off of smaller pairs of jeans and sews them onto his own, though nobody really believes his beerbellied ass has a size 22 waist.
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