WHIT PISTOL Bush describes harrowing loneliness of 8-hour ordeal

It started as an evacuation of the White House after a lost pilot, flying a private Cessna, flew through White House airspace. Heightened precautions called for the White House staff and administration to leave the building until the potential threat was abated, and somehow in the confusion, the president was left unsupervised.

“I thought [secret service operative] Larry had him, Larry thought I had him,” said secret service operative Todd Henry. “I guess the little bugger got away from us. It happens.”

When it was discovered everyone had vacated the White House except for the president, secret service commander Dick Gautier immediately ordered agents to return for the president. It was upon their return they found the White House doors locked and the windows sealed shut.

“It’s not uncommon for the president to lock us out of rooms inside the White House,” admitted Gautier. “Either intentionally or by lack of understanding of the door locking mechanism. But this was the first time the entire secret service, indeed everyone in the White House, had been locked outside with the president inside.”

White House officials took quick steps to keep the information silent, but White House press had already noticed the president missing from his outside emergency pen and suspected something was amiss. commune correspondent Lil Duncan broke the story with privileged information obtained from some masculine insider source who allegedly resembles Richard Grieco. With little other recourse, White House spokesperson Ari Fleischer informed the press.

“At this time, the president is believed to be alone in the White House,” said Fleischer, refusing to take any questions. “He will not come to the door and does not answer the phone, but it is possible he can’t hear us knocking or ringing. Keep in mind, it is a big house. We suspect right now he is watching TV in the presidential den.”

Initially the secret service offered no explanation if the president had been left inside by someone locking the door on their way out or if the president had locked the doors and windows himself intentionally. The president could be seen walking briefly past an east side window, pausing, holding a hand up to his ear, and shrugging his shoulders before leaving view, a beer in his hand.

The anxious waiting ended at 7:25 p.m. when a secret service agent returned from home with a wire coathanger. The back door of the White House was then jimmied open and the secret service led the return into the house. The president was found playing Grand Theft Auto 3 in the presidential game room, apparently oblivious to the evacuation.

An angry nation will no doubt demand attention to this situation for weeks to come, as long as the networks are showing repeats. It is expected that secret service and other government agencies will take steps to prevent the president being left unsupervised in the future. There is talk of hiding an extra key to the White House somewhere on the grounds, though for the sake of national security no one is saying where. the commune has it on good information that on top of a high window shudder or taped under the mailbox are leading good secret key spots as of press time.

the commune news would never be caught dead in a suit, though we wouldn’t be adverse to being found dead nude in a bathtub. Lil Duncan is the commune’s Washington correspondent and is on top of the news when it happens. Don’t snicker, she’ll get pissed at us.

Couple Share Love Hot Enough to Destroy Colorado Wilderness
True romance burns out of control through forest

Vicious Murder Now Quickest Path to Instant Celebrity
Right brutal act can make anyone a household name

Clinton Administration Trashed White House
Report confirms frat house antics

Junk E-Mail Almost Drives Ted Ted Apeshit
Mailbox clutter seriously close to unhinging reporter

Popular ‘80s Trend of Fearing Nuclear Annihilation Back
Atomic death scare no longer out of style

Stock Market Takes a Major Shit
Rich jerks run for cover

Gilbert Gottfried Cloned in Stem Cell Mishap
Researchers site ‘Wrath of God’

McDonald’s Settles Case Over Nasty Food
Gives $10 million to watchdog groups for labeling mistakes

Friends Cast Members Change Legal Names
Actors assume one-name identities of popular show characters