GRAPHS AFTER DARK Financial data is often represented by some kind of graph, like the one above

Day traders could be heard pissing and moaning loudly up and down Wall Street all day, and the world’s tiniest violin played just for them as little orphaned children brought them steaming cups of hot chicken noodle soup.

The NASDAQ closed down 53.17 points, at its lowest close since the last time those mama’s boys took it on the chin and their counterparts, the man-dressing woman traders, were kicked in the cock-socket.

Trading volume was so-so, with stuffed shirts milling around restlessly all day, slapping each other’s asses and trying to get a rally started to save their precious timeshares in the Hamptons.

After an ass-dragging start, stock prices got a momentary boost from data released early Monday that showed a great sale going on at a nearby Mercedes-Benz dealership, exciting the day traders and convincing them that this was their lucky day and they should buy anything that smelled like a stock.

But the early rally crapped out by lunchtime when traders received a dispiriting report of dour financial news, casting a shadow over the market. Tyco International Chief Executive L. Dennis Kozlowski announced that he had a paper cut, and everybody stopped trading for at least a half an hour while they made wincing faces and told stories of other times when they’d had paper cuts. It was announced that John Fort, Tyco’s CEO from 1982 to 1992, will take control of the whole shebang until Kozlowski gets out of the hospital.

Tyco’s stock price plunged while everyone was farting around and getting donuts or whatever, and other stocks began to plummet as traders who hadn’t been paying attention began a selling frenzy to make it look like they were on top of the ball. Overall stocks slumped 26.9 percent in the next hour until the heads of two investment firms got into a heated argument over whose turn it was with the remote and if it was okay to watch the 1985 Oliver Stone film Wall Street on the Big Board.

Kent Engelke, markets strategist at Burntwhistle & Limey, said the strong sell-off was due to confusion among traders about data on the nation’s economic recovery. That afternoon’s agricultural report sparked arguments over whether peanuts grow on bushes or on trees, and data from the manufacturing sector confused traders who assumed that toasters were made in the back of the toaster store. Traders also could not agree on what Mexican money was called, if it was pesos or guapos, he added.

“We were hit with some big shocks today, that’s for sure. Like, did you know they have people working in factories nowadays? Actually putting together toys and cars and what have you. It’s not all robots like you’d think. Talk about some poor bastards,” Engelke said after having the silver spoon slapped out of his mouth.

the commune news wants to know if hiring more women will get them us glass ceiling we’ve been hearing so much about. Sounds nice. Omar Bricks is a longtime columnist for the commune and the only person on staff who’s actually seen Wall Street, hence his first and hopefully only appearance as a reporter.

Gilbert Gottfried Cloned in Stem Cell Mishap
Researchers site ‘Wrath of God’

McDonald’s Settles Case Over Nasty Food
Gives $10 million to watchdog groups for labeling mistakes

Friends Cast Members Change Legal Names
Actors assume one-name identities of popular show characters

U.S. Government Continues Strategy of Releasing Horrific Truth Bit by Bit
Policy of leaking alarming information slowly still working

World Cup to Destroy Japan
Berserk fans to riot, maybe watch soccer

Cocky Shit-Heel Wins Lottery
Total dick walks away with $25 million Powerball prize

Chandra Levy Case One Step Closer to Being Trivia
Personal, political tragedy becoming solid pop culture

Twin Peaks DVD Box Set A Complete Rip-Off
Pilot episode absent from "complete first season" collection