COMMUNE IMAGING DEPT. Possibly coming soon to everything near you.

Nothing quite summed up the ‘80s to those who remember it like L.A. Law, Richard Marx songs on the radio, the ever-looming threat of atomic destruction. With the fall of the Soviet Union and the end of the Reagan administration, however, the Cold War and the madness of nuclear annihilation passed into history, like razor-thin ties and Nia Peeples. Until now!

War on Terror, Sept. 11th, Al Qaeda, Terror Alert, India, Pakistan—all words that add up to a big return for atomic Armageddon. A whole new generation is experiencing the icy fear that, at any moment, the sky could turn red and rain death from above. A feeling most baby-boomers thought they would never live to feel again.

“I knew all the Reagan kids were communists or homos,” said ‘80s nostalgia-lover and General Foods employee Ruby Tuesday. “Who knew there were more Bushes out there, even dumber and more terrifying than Reagan himself?”

But giving all the credit to one man for the resurgence in possible nuclear retaliation might be morally satisfying, but would be overlooking the heightened animosity throughout the world. Religious-based hate, intolerance, imagine or assumed grievances by the dozens, and we can’t forget the re-emergence of decades-old historical-based conflicts.

The current heated debate between India and Pakistan over the disputed territory of Kashmir provides the biggest potential for nuclear destruction since the Bay of Pigs. Perhaps encouraged by the paranoia in the air following the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks, old territorial arguments over which country has claim to Kashmir sparked talk of nuclear war with the newly-nuclear capable countries.

But nuclear destruction fans aren’t pinning their hopes on that bad blood alone; Osama bin Laden and his Al Qaeda group are possibly still out there, very active, and possibly capable of a nuclear assault of their own, and the likely target is on the continental United States.

“It’s a fantastic new century for us ‘80s buffs,” said ‘80s Preservation Society President Rold Hansard. “First there was that Laverne and Shirley reunion movie, then that Facts of Life reunion movie. Alf is back, even if it’s just for commercials, but now that ultimate hallmark of the ‘80s—the threat of nuclear Armageddon—is back, and I couldn’t be more pleased, as well as terrified.”

the commune news thrives on the thrill of the hunt, or perhaps just Hunt’s ketchup. Ramon Nootles is now available in duck flavor.

Stock Market Takes a Major Shit
Rich jerks run for cover

Gilbert Gottfried Cloned in Stem Cell Mishap
Researchers site ‘Wrath of God’

McDonald’s Settles Case Over Nasty Food
Gives $10 million to watchdog groups for labeling mistakes

Friends Cast Members Change Legal Names
Actors assume one-name identities of popular show characters

U.S. Government Continues Strategy of Releasing Horrific Truth Bit by Bit
Policy of leaking alarming information slowly still working

World Cup to Destroy Japan
Berserk fans to riot, maybe watch soccer

Cocky Shit-Heel Wins Lottery
Total dick walks away with $25 million Powerball prize

Chandra Levy Case One Step Closer to Being Trivia
Personal, political tragedy becoming solid pop culture

Twin Peaks DVD Box Set A Complete Rip-Off
Pilot episode absent from "complete first season" collection