ANSEL EVANS Red-hot smokin' love levels entire forest.

The couple in question is U.S. Forest Service worker Terry Barton and her husband, whose identity has yet to be released by police. Barton and her husband came to the attention of the nation after Barton was recently named the prime suspect who started the fire that currently ravages through Colorado forest land.

Since the fire started June 8, it has destroyed many homes, required the evacuation of nearly 9,000 residents, and spread to 136,000 acres. The extent of the devastation is so vast it is the leading reason to doubt Barton’s assertion that she started the fire by accident after burning a letter from her estranged husband. It’s a new level of destruction caused by a postal delivery, especially for a letter containing no anthrax.

Upon Barton’s Thursday indictment, prosecutors in the case would detail no clear motive or Barton’s reasoning in setting the fire that has caused so much damage, but they did state Barton’s account of the fire accidentally escaping her control did not match forensic facts recovered at the scene.

FBI and other police agencies, however, have stated that they have re-opened previous wildfire files as arson cases. In particular, neighbors and acquaintances of Barton are being interviewed to discover the welfare of her lovelife around 1871, and if she was around Chicago at the time.

Police and media are working to put a negative spin on Barton’s actions, focusing on the damage to property and endangerment of innocent lives, but it’s hard to deny the romantic side of the story. Already, nationwide, fires are being set in the name of love, following Barton’s original response to her break-up.

“It sounds real cool to say, you know,” said 20-year-old college student Naomi Blooger. “I burned down half of Colorado because I love you so much. I mean, I key-scratched a guy’s car once, but I’ve never loved anybody enough to kill wildlife and clear major acreage.”

Others agreed with Blooger’s reaction.

“Who wouldn’t be impressed?” said Penelope Fitzsimmons. “I wish I had someone who loved me enough to torch miles and miles of forestry. I’ve got a new definition of true love.”

Despite the charm of the felony, prosecutors fail to see the human side of the crime and are instead focusing on displaced people and animals, as well as the countless numbers of both placed in jeopardy by Barton’s actions. Even worse, at the time of press, her actions had failed to woo back her husband. No telling at this time if Barton planned further vandalism or arson.

the commune news has always been fond of burnin’ love, but not burnin’ crotch pain. Kendra Beuttle is a commune correspondent who just wants to crawl into a bubblebath after a long hard day at work, and fortunately, Ramon Nootles has one.

Vicious Murder Now Quickest Path to Instant Celebrity
Right brutal act can make anyone a household name

Clinton Administration Trashed White House
Report confirms frat house antics

Junk E-Mail Almost Drives Ted Ted Apeshit
Mailbox clutter seriously close to unhinging reporter

Popular ‘80s Trend of Fearing Nuclear Annihilation Back
Atomic death scare no longer out of style

Stock Market Takes a Major Shit
Rich jerks run for cover

Gilbert Gottfried Cloned in Stem Cell Mishap
Researchers site ‘Wrath of God’

McDonald’s Settles Case Over Nasty Food
Gives $10 million to watchdog groups for labeling mistakes

Friends Cast Members Change Legal Names
Actors assume one-name identities of popular show characters