WARNER BROS. Clockwise from left: Monica (Monica), Chandler (Chandler), Rachel (Rachel), Ross (Ross), Joey (Joey), and Phoebe (Phoebe).

Series stars Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox-Arquette, Lisa Kudrow, Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Perry, and David Schwimmer, will here by be known in future professional projects, and their personal lives as, respectively, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Ross. The declaration by a judge made the decision legally binding Friday.

“Why waste years that could be spent getting used to your typecasting denying the inevitable outcome?” said a spokesperson of the William Morris Agency, whose name we didn’t bother to get. “Kim Fields wasted valuable years before changing her name to Tootie. And most people assume Todd Bridges changed his name to Willis long ago. It just makes it easier on everybody, and you can capitalize on that fame without needing to remind people, ‘Do you know who I am? I used to get a million-plus an episode!’”

“It will make it a lot easier to do the last season of Friends at any rate,” said NBC executive Brian Norris. “We spent a bundle a few years ago just on the typeface to ‘Courtney Cox-Arquette’ alone. Now we can just say starring Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and Ross. Now people will have more brain space to remember which one is Will and which one is Grace.”

Of course, according to various reports, all members of the Friends cast are hopeful about future projects in film and other series after the show’s finale next year. But seriously, with their legal names at last intricately linked to their characters, the serious money for commercials, infomercials, state fair and car show appearances, and other forms of necessary income will be much easier while searching for elusive post-Friends success.

With luck, according to some insiders, Matt LeBlanc will be free of his Friends obligation in time to secure a spot on the fifth installment of Fox’s Celebrity Boxing program.

Even with the name change, some members of the cast are adamant about making the jump from television to movies.

“It’s not easy, no one’s saying that, but it has been done before by quite a few popular actors,” said Matthew Perry in a recent interview. “George Clooney is one example. Johnny Depp, another successful film actor. And Michael J. Fox, before he returned to television with Spin City. Don’t forget Tom Hanks. Although Bosom Buddies was never really a big hit or anything… hmm… Will Smith, the Fresh Prince himself. I guess, uh… Alan Alda? Shit. Why can’t I think of more people?”

Some fellow actors are not applauding the Friends cast’s decision.

“You can’t simply give up your humanity, who you are, to what people perceive you as. In the end it’s not going to improve your success, you’re just grasping to retain what had once been the peak of your fame,” said Mallory from Family Ties.

the commune news will be there for you, except between the hours of midnight and 8 a.m.—Christ, everybody has to sleep sometime. Kendra Beuttle is a freelance journalist and will cover any story for free if we sign her “Free Lance” petition.

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