PETER PANTS McDonald's posted an apology on their Web site Wednesday for misrepresenting its sandwiches as edible.

McDonald’s also posted an apology on its Web site, acknowledging that mistakes were made in communicating to customers about the edibility of its food. The worldwide chain has been selling burgers and sandwiches not suitable for adults since the early 1950’s.

“We sincerely apologize for any hardship or lousy meals that these miscommunications have caused among our billions of customers,” the company said in an apology posted June 1 on the Web site.

Seattle attorney Harish Bharti said Tuesday that a judge gave his tentative approval of the deal last month while bitterly chewing on a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. “This is McNasty,” the judge added.

McDonald’s spokeswoman Anna Rozenich said the money the company will be paying out will go to watchdog organizations that fight for truth in advertising and other issues linked to concerns raised by the consumers, including the poaching of endangered species and psychological trauma caused by life-sized ceramic clowns.

McDonald’s was first sued in Seattle last year by three customers who expected to be able to eat the Extra Value Meals they purchased at a Seattle-area McDonald’s restaurant, not realizing they were purchasing pet toys. The trend caught on, and lawsuits were subsequently filed in Illinois, California, New Jersey and Texas.

The lawsuits were filed on behalf of any customer who ate at a McDonald’s restaurant after 1971. That was the year the company first started showing adults eating McDonalds sandwiches in its ads and commercials, a feat considered impossible by many.

“Our slogan has long been, ‘Delivering the taste you’ve come to expect from McDonald’s’,” said Rozenich. “We still believe this to be a true statement. What that taste is has never been specified in a legal context.”

As part of the lawsuit, the consumer group Pants on Fire pushed to have McDonald’s slogan changed to the more accurate “Our fries are pretty good, but I’d stay away from anything claiming to contain meat,” which was turned down by the judge.

Pants on Fire first came into the public spotlight in 1996, when they sued to have Bank of America’s national slogan changed to “Fuck you and your piddling little checking account.”

McDonald’s customers nationwide reacted with joy at the news of the settlement. “It’s about fuckin’ time,” said Harvey McNeil of Des Plains, Iowa. “Look at that picture,” McNeil said, gesturing toward the menu, which pictured a succulent, juicy Big Mac sitting on a slab of marble next to a bushel of fresh tomatoes and lettuce. “Now look at this,” McNeil continued, opening his cardboard Big Mac container to reveal the pathetic, lopsided mess within. “It looks like somebody shit this out of a tube of Big Macs,” McNeil announced. “I’d take this back but they guy up there doesn’t speak any English.”

“The fast food industry is unique in that it has little accountability,” said attorney Bharti. “If you bought a toaster and found it to be malformed and unappealing inside the box, you’d take it back and demand a refund. The manufacturer could never stay in business. But fast food restaurants thrive on rushed customers and a reliably inept staff to prevent any kind of feedback loop that would hurt business. It’s an enviable racket.”

“McDonald’s listens to its customers and has vowed to make a change for the better,” claimed Rozenich with something close to a straight face. “This $10 million settlement is something McDonald’s takes very seriously, it will take us at least seven minutes to make that money back.”

the commune news is presented with closed captioning for the hearing impaired. What? It’s not? What? What? Sorry, we can’t hear you! Ramrod Hurley isn’t married to actress Elizabeth Hurley, but thanks you for the sexual fantasy material.

Friends Cast Members Change Legal Names
Actors assume one-name identities of popular show characters

U.S. Government Continues Strategy of Releasing Horrific Truth Bit by Bit
Policy of leaking alarming information slowly still working

World Cup to Destroy Japan
Berserk fans to riot, maybe watch soccer

Cocky Shit-Heel Wins Lottery
Total dick walks away with $25 million Powerball prize

Chandra Levy Case One Step Closer to Being Trivia
Personal, political tragedy becoming solid pop culture

Twin Peaks DVD Box Set A Complete Rip-Off
Pilot episode absent from "complete first season" collection