TED TED The complete box set, complete with incompleteness

The series, a perverse and strange trip through David Lynch’s psyche, stupid and yet compelling, had an attractive quality which made Ted Ted want to see it again recently. It’s only too bad the morons and/or cheats at Artisan Entertainment couldn’t get their shit together long enough to assemble a truly complete DVD version of the series.

“It fools a lot of people,” said Circuit City sales representative Brian. “They buy the box set here or somewhere and always go back and complain about it because it doesn’t say on the box or anything. Which is a real bitch.”

Brian, a Circuit City sales representative for four years, insisted Ted Ted is mistaken in where he purchased it and needs to produce a receipt for a full refund.

Kelly, an associate at Best Buy on Landers Road, regretted that Ted Ted could not return a product that was already opened and not defective. When Ted Ted insisted that a complete box set missing the pilot episode is defective, Kelly and her sales manager Jason disagreed.

Though all is not lost for Ted Ted’s hopes to see the Twin Peaks in its “complete” entirety again. According to an inside source at Blockbuster Video, who could be identified only as Steve, the much sought-after pilot episode of the series is available for sale through select retail outlets and some online stores.

“It’s weird,” Brian said, “but I think it’s available as an import DVD but you can’t get it in the states. So it may be more expensive. I know a place that carries it, it’s about $20.”

Bringing the total price tag to $74.99 for roughly ten hours of viewing, Ted Ted was even more insulted by the incomplete box set and its incorrect surface description. Things will inevitably get worse should he buy the complete series, including pilot, only to be reminded how unfulfilling it was in the first place. And it has recently occurred to Ted Ted, during the past paragraph, that the penultimate question of “Who killed Laura Palmer?” is not even answered during the first expensive 10 hours.

the commune news respectfully reminds you this is not a library. Ted Ted is the smallest of all commune staff members and fits in most reasonably-sized pockets.

Flaming Poop Bag Attacks Continue to Baffle Cops
Terrorism centered around crotchety neighborhood curmudgeons

Arafat Leaves Compound with New Suit, $100 Bill
Palestinian prisoner optimistic about new start after doing time

U.S. Students Dumber than Ever
Test results confirm nation's hopes, fears

Congress Approves Military Budget for "Whatever the President Thinks is Fair"
Literal blank check given to strengthen nation's defense

Future Bob: Star Wars, Episode III Kicks Ass Hard
Final installment in new Star Wars Trilogy will rock in year 2005