Dick Cheney Written Out of Republican Party Unpopular Vice President denounced as “a bad idea from the get-go” BYLIL DUNCAN Washington, DC
Image courtesy of K-Mart Portrait Studio
Dick Cheney, unable to hear the axe falling
GOP leaders announced at a press conference yesterday that Vice President Dick
Cheney would be gradually written out of the Republican party over the next few
months.
“As everything progresses,” said President Bush, “you’ll be seeing less and less
of Dick Cheney until his contract expires. He’ll sink more into the background,
with the idea being eventually we’ll replace him entirely.”
Insiders say that disappointing approval ratings and a lack of appeal among female
constituents 18-49 led to the decision to do away with the Vice President. An
unidentified source, namely some guy we didn’t know, described the Vice President
as “a bad idea from the get-go.”
For months rumors persisted that the diminishing role of the Vice President was a
sign that producers of the Republican party were unhappy with his performance.
Continually the president denied such claims, but with recent announcements, many
are taking it as proof positive the Vice President failed to live up to
expectations. President Bush disagrees.
“Dick Cheney was fine for the time and place, he was instrumental to early
success of the Bush administration,” the president said. “But he’s grown
artistically, as we all have, and would prefer to pursue solo projects at this
time. And we in the administration feel like the Vice President position would
be better served by someone else as well, so the parting is amicable.”
GOP analyst Milton Monopoly has another version of the story.
“Let’s face it, the president is a much bigger hit than anyone expected. You got
this fairly young tough-guy president and who’s covering his back? An ancient
legislator,” Monopoly said. “Okay, he was interesting in the beginning, the
reckless young president and the wisened old congressman with the bad ticker,
sort of like a ‘Jake and the Fat Man’ team up, or ‘Hardcastle and McCormick.’
But he never pulled the ratings like Bush did, so they axed him. It was obvious
from a few months in he was on his way out, then when the terrorist plot was in
full steam he’s mysteriously missing all the time when as Vice President he should
be knee-deep in it like the president. Everybody in Washington knew Cheney was
being written out, especially Cheney.”
Monopoly suggested Cheney would be replaced immediately, and a replacement may
already be on the way in.
“Some people are saying Guiliani, but that’s unrealistic, the president won’t
have some guy who’s a huge threat to him. The more obvious choice, and what I
think they’re going to do, is Colin Powell. There’s a lot of excitement there,
with Powell being a former military man and Bush an administrator with not as
much ‘street’ experience. Plus, there’s always the exciting racial tension.
You’re talking a party that everybody will be tuning in to.”
the commune news thought you said LAUNCH, not LUNCH. Lil Duncan is a senior
correspondent for the commune and eats punks like you for breakfast.
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