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commune Reporter Lil Duncan Contracts Syphilis

JUNIOR BACON for the commune
Duncan's skanky ass infected with the spirochete Treponema pallidum
“Terrorists will pay!” says outraged editor Red Bagel, noticeably worried. the commune's Ramon Nootles handles this story with gloves on.
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Interview: Treponema Expert Sugarhips Johnson
Little Kids Respond: Mark Doogle Sent Cooties in Passed Note

Top-Secret Hank Williams Jr. Song Will End Terrorism Forever
“I’ll tell you what: This is it. For all o’ them terrorists and whats.”
Poll Shows Americans Willing to Relinquish Rights
Drag bar partrons speak for nation



C O L U M N S


Giving You The Finger with Rok Finger: I Am A Failure As A Physical Trainer
It takes a lot to shame Rok Finger, friends. Three counts of indecent exposure, a national trial for treason and a bastard child in Spanish Harlem have all failed in the past.

My Friend Polio: Nice Try, Fanatical Cowpokers
Given the controversial nature of my views on artificial insemination, you can bet that Omar Bricks gets more than his share of the death threats and bullshit mail around here.

Sampson L. Hartwig Remembers
In my younger days I had a penpal named LeShandy. He was a boy roughly the same age and lived in a faraway place I had never heard of called Iceland.

Sausage Lozenge with Ned Nedmiller: Migglio the Monkey
Them Gypsies done built a little wooden cage for Ned, just big enough for him to crouch inside, with designs and little dancin’ bears painted all up it and down it.

This Space For Rent with Fred D. Roosevelt
We Have Quite a Lot to Fear, Actually


F E A T U R E S


Clarise Sickhead's Bedtime Stories For Children
Once upon a time there was a happy couple who could not, you know, have a kid. They went to doctor after doctor until they found one who told them he could help her get pregnant, but neither the husband nor wife were happy with his suggestion and she slapped him curtly.

Entertainment Police
Sweet Jesus America, are you back again already? It looks like Uncle Roland will have to dig deep into his bag of goodies for some tender morsels to keep you entertainment hounds happy!

Fanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the commune
We're not sure how you found out about our top-secret initiation ceremony, but we're not happy knowing we have a leak among our collective.

Fortune 500 Cookies
Growing up with snowflake, one learned to drink their sap in the morning.

the commune's Poetry Coroner
April be the month that’s meaner, Than a shot of carburetor cleaner, Or an icy, uncooked wiener, Said the raven: “Ned’s a Whore”.

Sittin' Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and Jeeter
Clem’s about the best ‘shine-stiller goin’ anymore, Shorty. Learnt it from his daddy, who learnt it from his daddy afore him. I guess that tradition goes way back.


G A M E S


Let's Promote Raoul Dunkin!
If you have any more suggestions for promotional titles that might bring Raoul Dunkin back on board the commune, let us know!

the commune's Manifestos of Fun
A trail guide or street weirdo, whatever the hell he was, anyway this guy who kept reaching into his pants named Lansford Hastings had produced a leaflet claming he had found a car-cleaning place that didn't charge extra for getting fried cashews out of your upholstery.



Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck


Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist

Free Virus Baggies

Take a Kitten, Please

the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks






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Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is likely to piss off her dad big-time.

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