nce upon a time there was a happy couple who could not, you know, have a kid.
They went to doctor after doctor until they found one who told them he could
help her get pregnant, but neither the husband nor wife were happy with his
suggestion and she slapped him curtly. A magical fairy appeared to them one
night when they had downed a quart of Vermouth each and made them a promise.
“I can give you a son,” the fairy said, “but he will be a small boy. Though
smallish in stature, however, he will have the biggest heart you have ever seen.”
The couple profusely thanked the fairy and gave her a generous gratuity. Sure
enough, within a month the wife was pregnant.
When their son was born, months later, they were surprised as hell when the boy
was no bigger than a Claritin pill. The father said something to the effect of,
“Jesus, I know she said he’d be small, but I thought she meant Dudley Moore
small, not Tom & Jerry small…”
The boy was very loving, but his parents neglected him. They were not cruel
people, it was just so easy to forget about the boy no bigger than a Claritin
pill. He slept in a matchbox, he drove a Matchbox, and trying to shop for him,
well, forget it.
One day the fat evil landlord came to the old house and told the couple that
they could not keep their son in the house, it defied some sort of anarchist
zoning rule of the time and they would have to move or kick him out. It was
unbelievable to the couple, who did not want to lose their son or their house,
the house even more so.
Before they had a chance to make a decision, though, the boy no bigger than a
Claritin pill jumped down the throat of the fat landlord with a toothpick in
hand and began to wreak havoc on his gastro-intestinal track. The boy carved his
way through the fat man’s stomach, up though his lungs, and severed all the
cords to his heart, though by that time the sheer pain of it all had killed the
fat bastard.
Eventually the parents of the boy no bigger than a Claritin pill carved open the
landlord’s chest and retrieved their son, and by damn, sure enough, between his
teensy hands he had the biggest heart any of them had ever seen. They were much
appreciative, and more than a little terrified.
Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist
Free Virus Baggies
Take a Kitten, Please
the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
FAQ Shwartz |
Site Map's Somewhere in the Glovebox |
Search In Vain |
Contract Ick
Privacy Police |
Terms of Gary Busey |
Reprints & Persimmons |
Press Eject Now
The Cobbler's Son
Once upon a time, there lived a poor old cobbler who was very sad because he could have
no children. He would wander up and down the road kicking puppies into the street gutter
and praying to God to give him a child. Any child. Even someone else's child.
Noal, Choker of Meat
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful princess named Esmerelda and she lived
in a beautiful castle high above the kingdom, Buhtkrack, where her father was a
sovereign and noble man.
Peter and the Wagon
Once upon a time there lived a happy boy named Peter. Peter had his very own dog
and often he would teach it neat tricks like fetching the paper and playing dead and
frightening off the Internal Revenue Service Officials.