Judge Orders South Removed from Union
Entire U.S. South violates separation of church and state
ANSEL EVANS
Southern demonstrators burn Constitution, delicious BBQ ribs in protest
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U.S. District Judge Myron Thompson shocked the nation Friday, ruling that the entire South was in violation of the U.S. Constitution’s principle of separation of church and state, and ordering that all nine Southern states be removed from the Union immediately. Thompson, who incited national controversy the previous week when he ordered the removal of a 2.6-ton granite Ten Commandments monument from Alabama's state judicial building, defended his unprecedented action as merely a logical extension of federal law, dictated by the U.S. Constitution.
“South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, Arkansas and Tennessee have for years stood in clear violation of the separation of religion and government, a basic concept upon which America was founded. From the highest levels of state government down to local law enforcement, Christianity has not only been favored, but has virtually stood as the law of the land for generations,” said Thompson, explaining his ruling. As of press time, it was unclear whether all Southern residents would be required to leave the country, or if the U.S. would cut its chigger-infested losses and draw up new borders.
With the nine Southern states understandably resistant to the order, Thompson has threatened each state with a $5 billion fine per day until they comply with the order and presumably pack up their shit. While the fines are expected to wipe out most Southern states in the first fifteen minutes, Arkansas has already defiantly suggested that it will pay the fine, just as soon as its luck evens out on the pull-tabs.
“This ruling is an outrage!” shouted Alabama Gov. Bob Riley, to no one in particular. “The South has just as much right to be in this country as all those uppity pagan states that follow the Constitution. Besides, where are we supposed to go? Mexico? Those bean-burners is all godless Catholics, ain’t they?”
Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore, who came to local fame and prominence as the “Ten Commandments Judge” after refusing to remove a huge view-obstructing Ten Commandments bumpersticker from the windshield of his car, is credited with having sparked this series of events when he installed the offending monument in his courthouse. Moore took a break from selling homemade “I’m with Stupid & the Ten Commandments” t-shirts at local rock shows to organize several Constitution-burnings throughout the South this week.
“Yeah, this is a violation of our right to free speech, or something,” claimed a befuddled Moore. “Wait, can we go back to the Ten Commandments thing? I’m still pissed about that. This country’s laws were based on those Commandments! Mostly. And now we’ve got to hide ‘em in some back toilet? Sickening! No one can hide from that truth. ‘Thou shalt not kill?’ We got that law, don’t we? ‘Thou shalt not steal?’ Got that one too. ‘Thou shalt not…uh… fornicate… with… thy neighbor’s… uh, something…’ Anyway, you know where I’m going with this! Sickening!”
“And what about Kentucky, what’d they ever do that was so Constitutional?” questioned Gov. Riley when he realized the microphone was still on. “I always ‘spected they weren’t as God-fearing as the rest of us, and this just proves it. Well I hope you can have fun in your nice fancy country, Kentucky, when you’re burning in hell! Ha! Gotta admit I gotcha there.”
Despite an overabundance of spunk, legal experts agree that the Southern states are still likely to be evicted.
“Well, I guess on the bright side this means we can put our monument back,” mused Moore, looking around for a dolly.
the commune news has been kicked out of several Unions, but being expelled from the Local Ice Cream Eater’s 401 was the most unkindest cut of them all. Lil Duncan is a big fan of the Ten Commandments, their cute Irish bass player in particular.
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