“Democrats: The Other White Republicans” Campaign Starts Strong
Makeover for troubled Democrats could show big results
JUNIOR BACON
The neuftet of proto-Republican Democrats, mostly white, hoping they can trick people into voting for them the same way the GOP does.
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Stymied and Spankied by the post-Sept. 11th political climate and a lack of clear leadership, Democrats unveiled a paradigm-rattling new look at the first debate May 3 in Columbia, South Carolina.
At the University of South Carolina in Columbia, locally referred to as the book-learnin’ building, nine presidential hopefuls engaged in sharp verbal battles over key issues such as War—what is it good for? and Christ, don’t the health care system suck? But the real surprise of the night was the Democratic National Committee’s announcement of their 2004 makeover: “Democrats: The Other White Republicans.”
According to high-ranking Democrats and their corporate masters, the new slogan and the accompanying commercial campaign will try to unite faithful Democrats who have long stood by the party with the confused, unwashed masses who have no party affiliation and typically don’t vote in elections until they know which way the swing vote among the girls at Hooters is going. Also, some speculation remains that a new, stiffer image could even win over some moderate Republican voters who are a little turned off by the Bush administration’s lap-dog status to fundamentalist Christian groups and salivating Pentagon contractors.
“It is clearly a new era,” said obvious-stating University of South Carolina Professor and event organizer Hazburp “Hap” Golord. “Democrats who support social programs and not using the impoverished for stem-cell research are continually losing favor with the population. Questioning and challenging military and business industrial complexes is out, being whipped and brutalized with a smile is in. Never let it be said the Democrats can’t play ball—we’re the party of Bill Bradley, former pro ball player.”
Others, like the nine Democratic presidential candidates, echoed the sentiments.
“The day of the Kennedy Democrats is over,” said some unmemorable besuited candidate. “In fact, all the good Kennedys are dead. Even George Kennedy. Clinton knew how to make the voters clap along by doing a lot of the same things the Republicans did, but reminding them, ‘I feel your pain.’ Not that he made it stop. It was more like a mutual thing: ‘Ouch. Didn’t that hurt? Well, what are you gonna do?’”
It was at that point the unnamed candidate continued to wander off topic and event moderator George Stephanopoulos chided him with a firm but kind, “Don’t go there.”
Candidate and Missouri Rep. Dick Gephardt fervently agreed, while distancing himself from his opponent. “I say my friend, whose name I cannot recall, does not go far enough. The Democrats must distinguish themselves as a party more like the Republicans than ever before. I say more rhetoric! And when the public thinks that’s un-American, denounce the rhetoric you’ve already said. The time of seeking to stabilize our party with the votes of minorities is long gone. After all, if Florida is a key state once again, black voters will likely be as purposely disenfranchised as last time. It is up to us to seek the votes likely to go to Bush, the votes Florida will not throw away.”
Longshot candidate Al Sharpton appeared to have strident words to challenge Gephardt’s statement, but his reply was not heard as no one had really plugged his microphone in.
Sitting president and pretend military leader George W. Bush said he did not have comments prepared to respond to the Democratic critiques, believing the Democrats had been ousted from power by Operation Enduring Freedom.
the commune news hopes the Democrats fade away to make room for the long-awaited return of the Whigs—whatever they stood for, you gotta admit, “Whigs” would be cool to see on a ballot. Lil Duncan is the commune’s Washington correspondent, and typically gets all her news by raiding The Washington Post.
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