October 14, 2002
Come quick, America, you've got to see this. Okay, well, maybe not, but the quicker we get to the movie reviews the quicker Roland McShyster can get back to the high-powered binoculars he picked up for a dollar at a yard sale. These things are great, who knew there was so much going on outside? If you don't already have a pair, I'd highly recommend them. Actually, they're probably pretty expensive, but if you ever find a freshly divorced woman selling all of her ex's stuff for a dollar at a yard sale then I say go for it. I also picked up this incredible sword… I mean, what am I going to do with a sword, right? But at the same time, a sword for a dollar? Don't tell me you'd pass that up. Plus, it looks pretty sharp on the wall and cuts french bread like you wouldn't believe.

Okay, let's get to the movies before the aerobics class down the street lets out, deal? On to the movies!

In Theaters

Abandon Katie Holmes
Wasn't this a video game first? I seem to remember something like that, one of those wish-fulfillment first-person PC games, like you ditch Katie Holmes while on a hiking trip in Yosemite and some nature freak cuts her head off and blames it on a talking field mouse. A strange game, but undeniably fun. The movie is okay, though I think they could have come up with some more interesting scenarios than leaving Katie at the mall or the hair salon. I know they were trying not to just duplicate the levels from the game, but Death Valley and Heritage, USA still would have been fun to see.

Brown Sugar
Technological advances have certainly improved the quality of our lives over the last several years, doing away with tedious non-electronic pets and allowing us to have phone sex while we drive. But sometimes you really have to wonder about the downside to all of this progress, especially when it only takes them about two days to turn a cell phone commercial into a feature film. They must have been getting some promising Nelson scores from that commercial where Ving Rhames steals the little girl’s milk, because before we could turn around to see who’s got their hands in our pockets they’ve brought it to the big screen. Yeah, I know it’s cute when little kids who used to play doctor are still friends as adults and they end up getting naked and playing “slutty stewardess and domineering airline pilot” or whatever, but please. If they were going to make a whole movie out of a dumb commercial they at least could have done the one with Donald Trump and that big Wendy’s muppet, now that could have been a fun buddy cop picture.

My Big Fat Geek Website
Am I the only one our there who wishes independent films would just go away? Sure, it’s great to have fresh ideas bleeding into the mix from the fringes of our culture, but honest to God, usually there’s a good reason these guys aren’t as well known as Spielberg or the guy who directed Goonies. This gem, which some 28 year-old Kinko’s employee wiped on his sleeve and decided to keep, illustrates my point perfectly. It’s too long, it has more inside jokes than a conversation with Charlie Manson, and it commits the fatal flaw of assuming anybody gives a hot goddamn about some sci-fi obsessed film nerd who works at a copy shop. There’s a reason you’re not popular in real life, guy, and it isn’t the lack of major studio backing.

The Trainspotter
Buckle up your seat belt, loosely, and slouch your way through a two-hour adventure with the world’s first heroin-addicted action hero. It’s no well-kept secret that Hollywood has been swinging from the heels this year, trying to breathe new life into the tired action movie genre with startling new innovations, like replacing semi-charismatic fifty year-old meatheads with semi-charismatic twenty year-old meatheads in the starring roles. But a few studios are going even further balls-out over the top, taking a blind-assed stab at substituting an even more motley assortment of wannabe heroes for the ripped Neanderthals of years gone by. Some, like Ben Damon’s dentist in The Bourne Dentist, work in a quirky kind of way, while others fall flat on their ill-conceived asses. Which end does The Trainspotter come out of? Try to picture an 84-pound pasty white guy girl-slapping a heavily tattooed Rastafarian bouncer in any kind of convincing way and you tell me.

White Oldtimer
It turns out that Eddie Murphy isn't the only fading 80's star who can strap on a couple tons of latex make-up and play a hilarious old person. Did anybody expect that Michelle Pfeiffer would be the next to machete her way through that path in the Hollywood jungle? No chance, and I give her serious points for seizing the element of surprise. The movie itself is a freeze-dried hunk of alien scat, with a twice-baked plot revolving around one of the girls from B*Witched running around and asking a hound dog and a bulldozer if they're her mother, but Pfeiffer is hilarious as the gassy old curmudgeon who gives the girl advice in her dreams and pulls his own finger. Hopefully for the sequel they'll trim the fat and just have Pfeiffer play several more funny old people.

Well, that's what they're calling a column these days folks. Pretty scary eh? If you want to file a complaint with the Surgeon General or whoever, I wouldn't hold it against you. But when you think about it, really it's all relative like reverse-inflation. Columns aren't what they used to be, sure, but have you turned on the radio lately? Good Goofy Christ, what happened to music? Compared to that kick in the nuts, this column is practically the Bible. So, you know, it's healthy to keep that in mind. If Western Civilization is on a fast track to decline, at least here at the commune we're taking the stairs. Catch up with you again in a few weeks, America!

September 30, 2002
Moonlight Miles, Red Dragon, Sweet Homo Alabama, The Tuxedo

September 16, 2002
Ask Roland, The Bang Your Sisters, Barbieshop, Igby Goes Down, Trapped

September 2, 2002
Ask Roland, City by the Sea, fear dot com, Swimfan

August 19, 2002
Adventures of Pluto Nash, One Hour Photo, Serving Sara, Simone, Undisputed

August 5, 2002
Blood Work, Full Frontal, Love and a Ballet, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio of Disguise, Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Diaries, XXX

July 22, 2002
Blue Crush, The Country Bears, Eight Legged Freaks, Halloween: Resuscitation, Signs

Summer Movie Preview Part Two
Austin Powers in Goldmember, The Crocodile Hunter: The Main Course, K-19: The Widowmaker, Like Mike, Men in Black Tubes, Milo & Stitch, Minority Depot, The Powerpuff Girls, Rain of Fire, Road to Perdition, Stuart Little 2

Summer Movie Preview Part One
Bad Company, The Bourne Dentist, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, Enough, Harvard Man, The Importance of Being Ernest, Insomnia, Scooby, Don’t!, Spirit: Stallion of the Cinnamon, The Sumbitch on All Fours, Undercover Brother, Windtalkers

April 29, 2002
Murder by Numbnuts, National Lampoon’s Gene Wilder, The Scorpion King, Star Wars 2: Attack of the Blondes, Band-its, Life is in tha House, The Man Who Wasn’t There, Original Sink, The Has-Beens, Ali McBeal, FIFA World Cup Soccer, Chessmaster 5500

April 1, 2002
All About the Berenstains, Ice Age, Mentident Evil, Picnic Room, Pig Trouble, Joy Ride, K-PAX, Sexy Bees