BAGEL'S MOM It's a shame he's never been photographed more than once.

“It’s a great honor, and a welcome surprise that I receive this award,” said Bagel, in a speech possibly plagiarized from one of this three previous speeches. “As the creator of the Yitmotty, I understand what it truly means to everyone, especially me. And that makes it mean all the more to receive this for the fourth time.”

The YTMOTY (or “Yitmotty,” as has never caught on with anyone but Bagel) ceremony doubled as a going-away party for departing Editor Bagel, who goes on to do whatever a sick person with delusions of grandeur does on his sabbatical, taking possible mummy Sampson L. Hartwig with him.

Despite having done little for the advancement of anything except paranoia during 2002, Red Bagel was unanimously chosen by a distinct panel consisting of Bagel himself, to no one’s surprise. In addition to publishing the commune and acting as its editor, Bagel spends too much time in bars and court, frequently drunk in both. 2002 was Bagel’s biggest yet, as he introduced a semi-monthly column where he proposed such ludicrous conspiracy theories as puppets being reincarnated dead people and a character from the movie Tron kidnapping his personnel.

As a new part of the ceremony this year, commune Editor Red Bagel had everyone from the staff give a short speech explaining why they voted for their choice for Man of the Year, i.e. Bagel himself. “Because if I don’t you’ll fire me” was disallowed as being a part of any speech, as this reporter found out during his presentation.

Highlights of the ceremony included Lil Duncan’s pregnancy test results (sparking a relieved sigh from the entire room), Rok Finger’s diatribe against wheat pennies, Boner Cunningham’s lively re-enactment of the famous Flashdance sequence, and Omar Bricks’ surprise fireworks display that sent three to the hospital, though at least one was most likely faking just to get out of the party early.

After the procession of obligatory praise, and after he himself had downed two bottles of Makers’ Mark, Red Bagel took the stage for his long-awaited speech, which considering he’s had three chances now to do it should have been better.

“Some men are followers and some men are leaders,” said Bagel, earning a laugh when the slurred “followers” came out sounding like “flowers.” “It’s clear by now that I am the leader. I have tried to do something new and different with the commune, and new and different is what I’ve done.” This reporter stressed the word “good” was appropriately absent from that description and was forced to finish listening to the speech bound and gagged.

“This year was a banner year for the commune. We’ve kept the quality of the commune news and reporting consistent from January to December,” continued Bagel, once again distinctly avoiding the word “good.” “From its humble beginnings the commune has crawled out of the mud with you parasites on its back, and we’re headed to the top. We’re no longer publishing on the back of previously-published pamphlets; that was getting a little expensive anyway. The internet has allowed us to move unreigned, unchecked, and I’m announcing here and now that 2004 will be the best year for the commune yet.”

Bagel then conveniently passed out and broke his Hawaiian tiki coffee table, leaving us to wonder whether he meant to suggest the correct year of 2003 or if we’re suffering through another lame year like 2002 until 2004 rolls around.

the commune news realizes it’s politically incorrect to have a “man of the year” award, but if you’re going to get on our back for gender insensitivity, there’s plenty of better places to start. Raoul Dunkin is the prodigal son of the commune, mostly since he plays his Prodigy CDs too loud in the newsroom.

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