Sandy Levine
Elmhurst, CT

Dear Sandy:

True, the commune may not have come out of the economic downturn unscathed; After all, few did. And some may argue, rightfully so, that when touring the commune offices the stench of desperation wafts up one’s nose like the smell of stale sweat on a freshly dead corpse. But if there is only one absolute in life, it is this: the commune will never, ever, not in a million years, not ever pay people to read the site. Nice try.

the commune

Dear commune:

What is the commune doing about the deplorable treatment of Dalmatian dogs in this country? Every year, thousands of families, fresh off the spotted-dog high of watching Disney’s 101 Dalmatians or one of the dozens of films in that series, bring home a Dalmatian from the pet store or registered breeder. There is much joy and love in the beginning, but the honeymoon is short: before long these families learn that they are ill-equipped to deal with these untrainable, couch-pissing, spontaneous nervous barfing beautiful dogs. And instead of shackling themselves to a lifetime of ruined furniture and canine servitude, the vow these families made to these dogs when they brought them home as innocent puppies, all too often the Dalmatians end up on death row at the pound or at the bottom of a lake inside a huge Tupperware container filled with rocks. These crimes against the Dalmation nation cannot stand, and it is up to the commune alone to be their advocate and protector!

Leelee Fromberg
Arlington, TX

Dear Leelee:

The staff of the commune was incredibly touched and moved by your letter. Except for Ramrod Hurley, who was in the can. Regardless, we here at the commune feel your pain and will do everything in our power to ensure that this inhumane treatment of Dominicans does not continue. It’s sad to think that in this day and age… Wait, did you say Dalmations? Jesus H. Christ, you got us all worked up over some freakin dogs? Shit, lady, I think I had some Dalmation in the noodle dish I had for lunch today. Whatever. Anyway, thanks for your letter and the tip about the Tupperware container, that’s a good one.

the commune

Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for those debilitating headaches you’ve been having lately. Contrary to what some doctors may think, the headaches are not caused by reading the commune’s cost-efficient, low-resolution fonts or images. In actuality, you have a brain tumor the size of a kiwi that your doctor is just too much of a pussy to tell you about. Have a nice day.

Volume 21
Since then it has been illegal for guests of any hotel in any country, so decided by the International Terror Conspiracy of Hotel Owners and Operators, to cook in any form or fashion in any room.

Volume 20
We must say, however, we disagree with your statements about humiliating and belittling your customer base. We've had no problems at all with it from the shitheads who read our work.

Volume 19
I and my drinking buddies pledge allegiance to the flag, that one right there, what a grand ol’ flag it is, with the stripes and all.

Volume 18
Please be kind enough to let us know if you ever decide to pull your head out of your ass, because we think the resultant sound might be loud enough to scare off our livestock and we’d appreciate some warning. Thanks.

Volume 17
Thank you for your delightful attempt at deception. In the future, might we suggest something like… oh, I don’t know… a picture included or something? It’s hard to say your beer-stained hand-scribbled letter actually had us fooled for longer than two seconds.